RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. Please help me.

posted 1 week ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

alwaysabridesmaid22 :  Don’t you wish you’d known the truth 2 years ago, so you could have avoided wasting another 2 years of your life with him hoping for something he isn’t willing to give you? Now think about being another 5 years older and in the future, and how you’ll feel to know you’re now 29 and having to start over because you didn’t prioritize yourself at 24 when you knew he wasn’t willing to commit. Imagine being 5 years down the line and having relocated your life and paid for his life all that time while he’s in school. If it’s hard to leave now, imagine how hard it will be when you’re 29 and more worried about fertility and timing and he’s 35!

Putting things off because they’re difficult just makes them bigger and more complicated and harder to extricate yourself from. 

Any 30 year old man who thinks that engagement after 4 years together is “rushing” is a commitment-phobe. 4 years! As soon as he said that was rushing, I would have been out faster than he could finish the sentence. 

Post # 47
Member
1476 posts
Bumble bee

knotyet :  that part about him saying it was rushing into it after 4 years(!!) got me too! 

“What’s the rush?”

– “What’s the fucking holdup?!”

Post # 48
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2020

This timeline is so confusing. If you all don’t want to get married until after he finished the 3 year program and he doesn’t start it for 1.5 to 2.5 more years, then why the heck would you be wanting to get engaged now? That’s 5 years off!

I think if he wanted to marry you he wouldn’t delay it another 5 years. He is stalling because he isn’t ready to commit. Just my 2 cents. I would consider whats important to you, staying with him feels like a longgggg road to a “maybe” engagement. 

Post # 49
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

It’s SO creepy that a 30-year-old “man” won’t spend the night with his girlfriend of 4 years because daddy doesn’t want him to. That alone would send me packing.

Post # 50
Member
6 posts
Newbee

He is just making excuses and will continue to do so as long as you let him. What incentive does he have to change? My husband and I both hadn’t graduated from college when we got married and then both got our master’s degrees afterwards. 

If you start to show you are serious about being a grownup and have high expectations for yourself he will either rise up to the task or leave. Either way you will be better off because you have a chance to be with someone more mature. 

Post # 51
Member
668 posts
Busy bee

WTF- he buys shoes for the resale value? Has he never heard of an IRA? Mutual funds? This is his savings plan?

Post # 52
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

personaperson :  I took it more as that he loves really fancy, expensive shoes and justifies his purchasing of them by telling others that he will be able to sell them for close to purchase price.  He is saying that shoes he is buying will hold their value and he will be able to resell them at close to retail value.    

Post # 53
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

You’re making excuses for him. You know you need to leave him but you won’t. I can say this because I was you. I am now divorced. Only you can choose your path to happiness. You can kick and scream and force this guy to marry you (which he clearly doesn’t) or break up, be really sad for a while and then pick yourself up. I wish I had wedding bee when I was going through this. I needed the tough love. Good Luck Bee!

Post # 54
Member
6917 posts
Busy Beekeeper

A 30 year old manchild who lives with his parents, a good job, no expenses, and has no savings because he spends all of his money on shoes?? RUN. He should have plenty of money to buy a ring or go back to school but plans to take out loans to live? When he could have banked all kinds of money over the past few years?? RUN, BEE, RUN. He is not a responsible human being, he is not quality husband material. And that’s aside from the fact that he does.not.want.to.marry.you. He’s comfortable right now. There is absolutely no reason that he hasn’t proposed except that he doesn’t want to. And that should be all you need to know. 

Post # 55
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

He is focused on his career. Marriage is not on his radar. Whatever you do, do not relocate and pay expenses for him. Engagements can be broken. Only move with him IF YOU ARE MARRIED. There would be plenty of time to get engaged and plan a wedding before he goes to school. He wants to focus on school. These type of nursing programs are 12 hour days where they go to class and study at night. He would be spending a lot of time in study groups around other women. Would you want that as a newlywed? I think the two of you have different priorities and dreams in life. You do not have compatible goals at this time. I think you might be better going your separate ways for now and dating other people.  If it is meant to be, you could reunite in the future. You can’t hold him back from his dream but he shouldn’t hold you back from your dream.  Spouses of people in medical/nursing schools are often unhappy and feel neglected. If you want children, that would also be postponed. I don’t think you should focus on getting engaged. The question should be what would my life be like if I was married to him? He will be in school and unavailable for companionship and fun while you foot the bills or you both go into debt. Is that what you truly want? 

Post # 56
Member
791 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Op you’ve probably never dated a grown man so you don’t realize how truly strange he is.  There is so much better out there

Post # 57
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Honestly, to even get a proposal after all that… it is not necessarily a good thing. I dislike a lot of what his reasonings are. When you love someone and decide you want to spend the rest of your lives together you just make that happen without even having to bring it up. First he mentions his parents not getting any older. And? That’s not why you get married. Then he’s saying see see so and so says don’t rush! And? Who cares what anyone says. You guys don’t have to wait for crap. You can just get engaged and married right away. He’s not going to do that though. He sounds like he’s got you on a very lengthy timeline of all this schooling. And? Again with the and. Because it just should not matter. Your mom made an excellent point about all the shoes. This guy is comfortable and that’s about it. Been. There. 

I clung onto my ex husband, waiting and taking all the little crumbs. Waiting for all these times and things that had to happen first. The money excuses. Even though we both were stable. Or when he was going back to school. He got me to wait over 10 years for that proposal. And after it all, he was the same guy who was immature about love and not all that into me and was really not who was best for me. It becomes easy to spot these kinds of people after you’ve lived it and also found out what real love is. 

Also, if he has no debt then he’s got a lot of money in the bank that he’s not telling you about. But maybe I’m mistaken and that is what he plans to use for living expenses when he continues school. It’s not all spent on shoes. He’s got money. He just doesn’t want to invest it in a future with you. Going back to school? Fine. Are his parents up his ass about schooling? It’s like he’s got his future planned but you’re not in it. 

Post # 58
Member
1195 posts
Bumble bee

I think you know the answer OP. He’s just throwing up excuse after excuse. I know many people who got married and had children during very intense university degrees and careers so I’m sorry I just think that’s BS on his part xo

Post # 59
Member
4548 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

alwaysabridesmaid22 :  “maybe a kick to the ass is what I need for a wake up call. I am 30.”

That statement there says it all. He doesn’t want to marry you but he knows that after 4 years in and at 30 he should theoretically get married to you. You should never ever want to marry someone who you have to kick in the ass to do so.

 

Post # 60
Member
345 posts
Helper bee

alwaysabridesmaid22 :  I’m sorry bee but I think you need to take a step back and look at both sides of the situation too. You seem very stubborn about what you will/will not do, and what you “deserve”. Why do you “deserve” a fiancée status? Plenty of healthy relationships don’t have a title on them, such as fiancée or wife. But the fact that you need those statuses in order to support your boyfriend sort of rings bells to me that you have trust issues with him. I don’t think four years is all that long to be dating somebody before marriage. Some bees here get married or engaged quickly, but I wonder how long those relationships really last. You are only 23, that is very young to be getting engaged/married. My husband knew he wanted to marry me, but he wasn’t quite ready as early as I was. Yes this initially bothered me, but when I realised he just needed time to process how BIG OF A DEAL marriage is, I left him be to choose when to propose to me. I appreciated how thoughtful and careful he was to be 100% confident in marrying me. Maybe your Boyfriend or Best Friend needs the same? 

just playing devils advocate here anyway. I hope all works out well with you 

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