RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. Please help me.

posted 1 week ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
11179 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

alwaysabridesmaid22 :  

Bee, when you start talking about how you *deserve* marriage, your relationship is pretty much sunk.  He does not *owe* you the high honor of wifery because you jumped at the chance to make a long string of foolish sacrifices for him.

This looks a lot like an old cliche; you’re the gf who gives her all to put her man through some kind of professional school only to be dumped when he graduates.

He does not want to get married.  At least right now, he doesn’t.  Fair enough.  That’s his right.

Unfortunately, he is hugely invested in keeping you around to make his life really easy.  I would suggest analyzing what he says through that filter.

The next issue is what makes you even want to marry this guy anyway?  He buys shoes for the *resale* value?  That’s really stupid.  Since he, apparently, is flush enough to be investing, introduce him to some good mutual funds.

He’s 30 and lives with mommy and daddy?  What?

None of this makes sense.

Post # 62
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

I just want to understand.. He is 30, has no real living expenses, and has a good job. Does he have any money in savings? You mentioned he does have SOME but would still need a loan to get through school and living expenses during that time. 

If he’s earning, say, $20/hr, that’s say $1200 every two weeks. How much of that is going to savings and how much is going to shoes?

Relationship aside, some of his lifestyle/financial choices are a bit baffling to me. He’s been working for 3 years at a good job. If he’s been living at home that whole time, he could’ve been saving $1000 a month (say 12k a year) for YEARS. So I’m just.. I’m trying to understand where he’s coming from and what his spending and such is like. 

I rent the loft over the garage from my parents – but it’s to pay off my student loans, and I do pay rent. Once done, originally the plan was an apartment, but since I got into a wonderful relationship, now it’s to move in with my bf and we then work together to buy a house. I’m just not sensing really solid financial goals from him beyond studying anesthesia.

Going back to living together.. I do find that weird. I get not wanting to rent since it’s not an investment. My boyfriend feels similarly. But he DOES rent. He doesn’t just live with his parents indefinitely. And he wants to live with me. After 4 years, not making real efforts to take the next step to live together.. that seems weird to me. Do you guys ever spend the nights together? At whose place? Do you cook together? Clean together? Are there any hints of a domesticated life together already?

That NO real ‘big’ step has occurred in 4 years – I get that some people find that normal and are in no rush, but it sounds like that doesn’t feel right for YOU (I would also be frustrated). I agree – you deserve someone who wants the same things. 

Do you guys talk about the future aside from vacations and his schooling prospects? Do you talk about wanting kids? Splitting finances? Where you want to live long term? Where you see yourselves in 5, 10, 20 years? Do you guys discuss decisions before making them, such as using each other for advice and support when buying a car, or other big decisions? If you guys still keep things 100% separate or never talk about the future in regards to a house, family, retirement, etc.. that doesn’t bode well, in my opinion. Not after FOUR years.

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