(Closed) Relationship Advice Please?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

In my opinion no, don’t go back. He’s acting nice to win you back – once he gets you back, he’ll go back to his old ways in due time. A man that truly loved you would give you the space you needed because he respected you, not text you repeatedly against your wishes.

It sounds like you’ve outgrown the relationship – and for good reasons. I’d move on if I were you. There’s lots of wonderful people out there who will love you even more than you ever thought possible.

And to make that break just rip it off like a band aid, end it and cut all contact. Remove him from  your phone/email/facebook/etc, and never look back.  Maybe some day down the line you could have a friendship later on, but for now no contact is a must!

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

They call if FIRST Love for a reason.

These are bitter sweet memories… but not a fully healthy or MATURE Relationship (too much jealousy, control issues, etc) … and because of the pattern of your “dance” (how you interact with each other, due to a long time together) changing the pattern is virtually impossible after years of being together

The ONLY thing that would change the pattern, would be if you both go off and grow up a lot and then find each other again down the road, when you both are substantially different people (individuals grow in leaps & bounds emotionally in the years between 15 and 35).

Ya leaving your first love behind hurts… and you’ll never forget them.  But these relationships rarely work out… there are really just a handful of people in my social circle at 50+ who have been a couple say since their teens / earlier 20s.  The odds are just stacked against that.

Life will get better for both of you… time will take care of that.

PS… Not sure WHY you are using your sister’s WBee account, when setting up one for yourself is sooo easy.

 

Post # 5
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

First of all, and not related to your post, you have to get your own account. Using your sister’s account violates the terms of service:

1. Exclusive Use. Your account is for your personal use only. You may not authorize others to use your account, and you may not assign or otherwise transfer your account to any other person or entity. You acknowledge that Internet Brands is not responsible for third party access to your account that results from theft or misappropriation of your user names and password.


Second of all,

The first three years of our relationship he excessively lied to me about going out and getting drunk with his friends and these chicks that hung around them. He lied about it literally every week because he knew I didn’t really like his friends.

Really? You’re still wondering if you should take him back? No. Do yourself a favor and get rid of him for good. He’s wasting your time and treating you like crap. 

Post # 6
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It sounds like you have outgrown him. And that’s OKAY. He sounds like he needs to mature quite a bit; (lying, momma’s boy, lazy)…

It seems like you want to cut the cord but since you are admittedly a bit insecure you’re afraid to. That’s normal, especially since it is your first relationship. BUT you shouldn’t have to settle because you’re afraid!!! You will find someone else! He will too, and it may sting at first but he’s going to be doing the same crap to her and you should think to yourself, “Glad, I’m not there anymore.” 

Of course he’s trying to be the perfect guy NOW because he’s getting nervous that you are serious. If you were to get back together he’ll be on top of his game, but I have a feeling it won’t last for more than a few weeks at most.

Be strong!!!

 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it’s the opposite way around.  I think he’s afraid that you won’t come back because no one else will put up with his crap like you did. 

I can’t tell you what your heart says though.  Yes, some people marry their 1st loves and live happily ever after.  Some people marry their 1st loves and regret not seeing “what else is out there”, and most people don’t and still find true love. 

There’s no exact science to love, it is what it is in many different forms. Only you can decide if what you had is worth going back to…

Post # 8
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

SO this guy won’t leave Mama and yet wants to dictate your actions? Time to move on honey – you’ve grown up and he hasn’t.

Post # 9
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Him being your first love doesn’t really count for much; I bet, at least in the USA, you will find far many more happy couples who practiced their relationship skills on other partners before entering their happy-forever relationship than those who are still with their first loves. So I would not factor that into the equation one bit.

If I were you, I’d ask myself what, if anything, you actually love about this man.  Then decide if the good outweighs the bad, and if the bad is the kind of bad that you can live with in the long term.  No man or woman is perfect and there will ALWAYS be a dose of bad along with the good; however, in a healthy relationship the good must outweigh the bad or it won’t last.

Post # 10
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

This relationship doesn’t sound happy or healthy.  Why would you put yourself back into a situation like that?  

 

Most people do not stay with their first love.  It’s perfectly normal and ok, and it’s pefectly normal and ok to realize that someone who was good for you 3 years ago isn’t good for you now.  Especially when you’re young and still learning about yourself!

Post # 11
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

No. I wouldn’t cling to this guy because he is your first true love. Things didn’t work out and it’s time to move on.

Trust me while i had boyfriend here and there, I had one long term relationship and he was a lot of firsts for me, and I clung to the relationship too long when we just wanted different things. Moving on has made me happier.

Post # 12
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@jwinnings:  Any relationship takes work, but it shouldn’t be THAT much work, you know? Your story is full of red flags – the lying, the codependency, his mom hating you, his inability to cut the cord with his mom, being controlling about where you go to school… I mean, I don’t even know you and I am POSITIVE that you can do better than that!

It’s always hard to move on from your first love, but in this case, it sounds like he’s not really ready to have a mature, adult relationship. It’s also easy to be flattered by all the attention he’s showing you now, but trust me, if you get back together, he’s going to be back to his old self within a week. My first boyfriend and I took a break, then broke up “for good” and both times, he was all up in my business and flattering me and being super sweet. Both times, I fell for it and we got back together, and then after the first few days, we were back to the same old problems. 

I’d recommend picking up a copy of “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.” It has a lot of good insight and helpful advice to get you through a breakup! 

Post # 13
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

I agree with all previous posters.  You have outgrown him.  You can do so much better!  Lying is a huge red flag for me… To be lied to on a regular basis is just not ok, even if it has stopped.  Good luck!!

Post # 14
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I can’t figure out why you’d want to go back. He’s living with his mom, put no effort into your relationship, holds a low-level job that stresses him to the point of needing several hours to recover, and lies constantly. Sounds like a keeper.

You say “clearly he loves me” but it sounds more like he loves having you around when he feels like it and when it’s convenient- ie not if he has to drive to see you, not if it cuts into his flirting with randoms at a bar with his friends, and only if he can keep you isolated from the rest of his life by not taking you out with his friends.

Seriously, don’t go back.

Post # 15
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t think you should take him back. Chances are he will revert back to his normal behaviour once things settle back down. You don’t sound like you love him all that much, it actually sounds like you resent the guy more then anything. 

You should continue focusing on yourself, you will meet the right man someday, I just don’t think this is the right man.

Post # 16
Member
9538 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

NO NO NO NO

Ugh, if i were to have married my “first love”…well…I know we would be divorced or I would be hating my life!  Just because he is your first love is NO reason to stay with him!  That guy sounds like a jerk and he has a lot of growing up to do.

You don’t deserve someone that treats you like that and hopefully someday you will see that.  Cut him out and never speak to him again.

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