Post # 1
First off, this isn’t my account, its my sister’s but she says you ladies are always very supportive and insightful and is letting me post this in hopes some of you may be good at relationship advice. I’m sorry this is a little bit long.
Ah, asking people over the internet for relationsip advice. What a pivitol moment in my life.
I didn’t date much in highschool but have dated my college boyfriend for four years and now we are currently “on a break”. Man, I can’t say that without thinking of Ross and Rachel, haha. Anyway, I guess you could say he is my first love and that would be the big factor in why I can’t seem to really break things off from him. I get a lot of “no relationship is perfect”, “your first love is always the best”, and “wouldn’t it be so cute to marry your first serious relationship?”. The feedback certainly makes me think.
Basically, I didn’t feel particularly connected to him anymore and was tired of his annoying crap. Maybe that’s selfish, but let me explain: The first three years of our relationship he excessively lied to me about going out and getting drunk with his friends and these chicks that hung around them. He lied about it literally every week because he knew I didn’t really like his friends. Really, I just didn’t like that he had to lie about being with them and did it so stupidly that I always caught him. For the past year the lying has stopped but then he just frustrated me in other ways. He finished college but said he wasn’t ready for a real job so continues to work at Costco and live at home with his mom. Costco is apparently so stressful that I wasn’t aloud to really talk to him for several hours after work and if he did work that would rule out all possibility to leave his mom’s house for the evening. I had my own apartment and offered him to live with me but he declined. I asked him to visit but he insisted I come to his mother’s house instead. His mom hates me. I decided to continue my education at a school an hour away and he said it was too long distance and threw a fit. He’s pretty codependant and often tries to dictate what I do, who I’m friends with, etc so it doesn’t interfere with me spending time with him. I had enough and insisted we spend some time apart. It’s nice being able to focus on myself for once and, if it’s not obvious, I’m a little bitter about all that’s happened.
We haven’t seen eachother in three months. I’ve honestly avoided seeing him again because I know it’ll be awkward and he’ll cry. I asked for complete space but he freaked out and still texts me everyday. I text back to avoid him calling me 15 times in a row until I talk to him. Sometimes I miss him/still think of him. He was a significant part of my life for quite some time. Since I started the break he has been much nicer, more respecful, almost annoyingly perfect in hopes of winning me back. He is truly going above and beyond to profess his love to me and I have to give him props for staying dedicated to me for months after I checked out. I’m not so sure any other guy would be that crazy about me. I also have insecurity in myself, afraid I’ll never find someone again.
Sorry for this novel but to wrap up this long story… Should I give him another chance? Clearly he loves me and is my first love (if that counts for anything). Also, I admit if I saw him with another girl my heart would break a tiny bit. Or, how do I finally cut the cord and move on with my life?
Post # 3
In my opinion no, don’t go back. He’s acting nice to win you back – once he gets you back, he’ll go back to his old ways in due time. A man that truly loved you would give you the space you needed because he respected you, not text you repeatedly against your wishes.
It sounds like you’ve outgrown the relationship – and for good reasons. I’d move on if I were you. There’s lots of wonderful people out there who will love you even more than you ever thought possible.
And to make that break just rip it off like a band aid, end it and cut all contact. Remove him from your phone/email/facebook/etc, and never look back. Maybe some day down the line you could have a friendship later on, but for now no contact is a must!
Post # 4
They call if FIRST Love for a reason.
These are bitter sweet memories… but not a fully healthy or MATURE Relationship (too much jealousy, control issues, etc) … and because of the pattern of your “dance” (how you interact with each other, due to a long time together) changing the pattern is virtually impossible after years of being together
The ONLY thing that would change the pattern, would be if you both go off and grow up a lot and then find each other again down the road, when you both are substantially different people (individuals grow in leaps & bounds emotionally in the years between 15 and 35).
Ya leaving your first love behind hurts… and you’ll never forget them. But these relationships rarely work out… there are really just a handful of people in my social circle at 50+ who have been a couple say since their teens / earlier 20s. The odds are just stacked against that.
Life will get better for both of you… time will take care of that.
PS… Not sure WHY you are using your sister’s WBee account, when setting up one for yourself is sooo easy.
Post # 5
First of all, and not related to your post, you have to get your own account. Using your sister’s account violates the terms of service:
1. Exclusive Use. Your account is for your personal use only. You may not authorize others to use your account, and you may not assign or otherwise transfer your account to any other person or entity. You acknowledge that Internet Brands is not responsible for third party access to your account that results from theft or misappropriation of your user names and password.
Second of all,
The first three years of our relationship he excessively lied to me about going out and getting drunk with his friends and these chicks that hung around them. He lied about it literally every week because he knew I didn’t really like his friends.
Really? You’re still wondering if you should take him back? No. Do yourself a favor and get rid of him for good. He’s wasting your time and treating you like crap.
Post # 6
It sounds like you have outgrown him. And that’s OKAY. He sounds like he needs to mature quite a bit; (lying, momma’s boy, lazy)…
It seems like you want to cut the cord but since you are admittedly a bit insecure you’re afraid to. That’s normal, especially since it is your first relationship. BUT you shouldn’t have to settle because you’re afraid!!! You will find someone else! He will too, and it may sting at first but he’s going to be doing the same crap to her and you should think to yourself, “Glad, I’m not there anymore.”
Of course he’s trying to be the perfect guy NOW because he’s getting nervous that you are serious. If you were to get back together he’ll be on top of his game, but I have a feeling it won’t last for more than a few weeks at most.
Post # 7
I think it’s the opposite way around. I think he’s afraid that you won’t come back because no one else will put up with his crap like you did.
I can’t tell you what your heart says though. Yes, some people marry their 1st loves and live happily ever after. Some people marry their 1st loves and regret not seeing “what else is out there”, and most people don’t and still find true love.
There’s no exact science to love, it is what it is in many different forms. Only you can decide if what you had is worth going back to…
Post # 8
SO this guy won’t leave Mama and yet wants to dictate your actions? Time to move on honey – you’ve grown up and he hasn’t.
Post # 9
Him being your first love doesn’t really count for much; I bet, at least in the USA, you will find far many more happy couples who practiced their relationship skills on other partners before entering their happy-forever relationship than those who are still with their first loves. So I would not factor that into the equation one bit.
If I were you, I’d ask myself what, if anything, you actually love about this man. Then decide if the good outweighs the bad, and if the bad is the kind of bad that you can live with in the long term. No man or woman is perfect and there will ALWAYS be a dose of bad along with the good; however, in a healthy relationship the good must outweigh the bad or it won’t last.
Post # 10
This relationship doesn’t sound happy or healthy. Why would you put yourself back into a situation like that?
Most people do not stay with their first love. It’s perfectly normal and ok, and it’s pefectly normal and ok to realize that someone who was good for you 3 years ago isn’t good for you now. Especially when you’re young and still learning about yourself!
Post # 11
No. I wouldn’t cling to this guy because he is your first true love. Things didn’t work out and it’s time to move on.
Trust me while i had boyfriend here and there, I had one long term relationship and he was a lot of firsts for me, and I clung to the relationship too long when we just wanted different things. Moving on has made me happier.
Post # 12
@jwinnings: Any relationship takes work, but it shouldn’t be THAT much work, you know? Your story is full of red flags – the lying, the codependency, his mom hating you, his inability to cut the cord with his mom, being controlling about where you go to school… I mean, I don’t even know you and I am POSITIVE that you can do better than that!
It’s always hard to move on from your first love, but in this case, it sounds like he’s not really ready to have a mature, adult relationship. It’s also easy to be flattered by all the attention he’s showing you now, but trust me, if you get back together, he’s going to be back to his old self within a week. My first boyfriend and I took a break, then broke up “for good” and both times, he was all up in my business and flattering me and being super sweet. Both times, I fell for it and we got back together, and then after the first few days, we were back to the same old problems.
I’d recommend picking up a copy of “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.” It has a lot of good insight and helpful advice to get you through a breakup!
Post # 13
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
I agree with all previous posters. You have outgrown him. You can do so much better! Lying is a huge red flag for me… To be lied to on a regular basis is just not ok, even if it has stopped. Good luck!!
Post # 14
I can’t figure out why you’d want to go back. He’s living with his mom, put no effort into your relationship, holds a low-level job that stresses him to the point of needing several hours to recover, and lies constantly. Sounds like a keeper.
You say “clearly he loves me” but it sounds more like he loves having you around when he feels like it and when it’s convenient- ie not if he has to drive to see you, not if it cuts into his flirting with randoms at a bar with his friends, and only if he can keep you isolated from the rest of his life by not taking you out with his friends.
Seriously, don’t go back.
Post # 15
I don’t think you should take him back. Chances are he will revert back to his normal behaviour once things settle back down. You don’t sound like you love him all that much, it actually sounds like you resent the guy more then anything.
You should continue focusing on yourself, you will meet the right man someday, I just don’t think this is the right man.
Post # 16
NO NO NO NO
Ugh, if i were to have married my “first love”…well…I know we would be divorced or I would be hating my life! Just because he is your first love is NO reason to stay with him! That guy sounds like a jerk and he has a lot of growing up to do.
You don’t deserve someone that treats you like that and hopefully someday you will see that. Cut him out and never speak to him again.