Post # 1
Hey guys! Just looking for some advice from some experienced people on here.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months, and have come to find a few things that sorta worry me.
Maybe I am over thinking it, not sure. Anyway. So I found out my boyfriends best friend of 4 years was his ex girlfriend. Well not really girlfriend I guess. They met on OKCupid and went on two dates, and then remained friends. I asked him to tell me about his friends and he was honest in saying how they met. He also said that he “cares deeply about her” and that she was his Robin. (How I met Your Mother Tv show reference ) So if you have not seen that show, the main character was madly in love with Robin and only married someone else because their relationship did not work out and then later he went back to dating Robin in the end.
He then proceeded to tell me that he and this friend made a deal that if they are not married by 40 they would marry each other? They talk constantly as well. My best friend is a male as well, however, I have never dated him or ever though marrying him. Not sure if that is something normal to say with opposite gender relationships.
I was kind of hurt that he told me that. 🙁 I feel like I there is no way I can compete with this girl. He insists they have no feelings for each other, but still. I am scared to be wasting my time if he secretly has feelings for this woman.
He also proceeded to tell me he was angry that I told him he cannot go to strip clubs. Saying I did not trust him? 🙁 I was hurt he even had to ask for permission. He also got mad I listed him as boyfriend on facebook because he is super private and hates attention. He did not take it down, though I got mad and did so anway because I was not trying to force him into it.
I don’t know. Some of the things he says makes me doubt that he really likes me……I mean he spends a lot of money on me and is at my place or I am at his every weekened. But I feel like that is only the case because he is in the army and he is stationed in this city, while all of his friends are halfway across the country.
This topic was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by enraous.
Post # 2
enraous: Welcome to the bee. Please find a man who puts you first, who takes your feelings and concerns seriously. Not to mention a man who is proud of you and of his relationship with you.
This guy sounds like the type who will always think the grass is greener elsewhere. You deserve someone who treats you with respect – not this guy.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
I can’t really give you advice. But your situation doesn’t give me the warm fuzzies.
Post # 4
I don’t have much to say about the Facebook thing. When did you list him as your boyfriend? If you were only casually dating the first few months, maybe he thinks it’s too soon?
I do have some input about his “Robin,” though. I am my best guy friend’s Robin. We’ve been best friends since junior high, went on a few awkward and terrible dates in high school, agreed that they were awkward and terrible and decided to remain friends. We had a similar agreement that we would get married at our 20-year reunion if neither of us married. I want to stress that this does not mean we have a romantic relationship or interest in each other! It just means we care about each other and find comfort in each other’s company. It’s a light-hearted “promise” that doesn’t even have much of a base and we probably wouldn’t even go through with it! When we would talk about how we’d get married, it wasn’t about sex (ew) or having children; it was just about not being lonely and having someone you care about in your everyday life.
We have remained friends through my relationship and engagement to Fiance and even though they are tense at times (not because my friend is flirting with me or anything, just because their personalities clash just a little and they think everything – EVERYTHING – is a competition), Fiance has never been uncomfortable with me spending time with him. Our texting and visiting has dwindled now that he has a long-term girlfriend. I don’t think she likes me much haha.
Especially if she is a member of your boyfriend’s overall friend group (not an isolated friendship: does that make sense?) then I think it is healthiest for you and your relationship to assume that it is platonic unless you have actual reason to think otherwise.
Post # 5
Oh geez. As someone who is almost 30 I can give some sound advice …. RUN!
He ADMITS that his ex is his “Robin” and they have a PACT to marry?!
He got mad you listed him as boyfriend on facebook?<br /><br />
Sorry but my motto is life is too short to waste on loser guys. I didnt listen and wasted 7 years of my life on the wrong loser. HARDEST DECISON EVER WE LIVED TOGETHER AND WERE ENGAGED.
I Left him in the middle of the night ( after I found out he cheated on me), and met the love of my life a year later.
Post # 6
To me, this doesn’t seem right.
I know FB shouldn’t be important.. but it is, especially to the younger generation. A relationship which cannot be “facebook official” in my experience has always had something to hide. Sad, but true.
All the things he said about his best friend… regardless of how he meant them are a big red flag due to the fact he disrespected you by even airing out these words. There are many people who have “the girl/guy they let get away” but still deeply love the person they are in a relationship with, but to actually say that to your partner is ridiculous.
Strip clubs – I won’t touch that subject as that’s a very controversial one… but may I ask what the occasion was? Was it a bucks party sort of thing or just because. Did someone else invite him or did he want to organise it?
To me, if you aren’t giddily happy at the 5 month mark, get out. This should be the happiest time of your relationship.
Post # 7
enraous: He doesn’t want you to be his facebook girlfriend? that sounds like a big red flag. A guy who is in love is happy to tell anyone.
The friendship with his “Robin” is wrong too.
And you may not get a lot of sympathy about strip clubs here, but I agree with you. A guy who respects his gf doesn’t go and look at other women naked, unless she’s ok with it.
Post # 8
Agree with PPs. He makes a point of telling you he has a special pact with his female friend to marry at 40, and gets mad when you out him as your Boyfriend or Best Friend on FB? Sounds like he is using you as a for-now girl until his “Robin” comes around. Ruuuuun!!!
Post # 9
There is nothing wrong with him having a friendship with a woman period. It doesn’t matter if they briefly dated or dated for months. They have defined what they have and it is friendship. There is nothing wrong with an individual deciding who they are or aren’t friends with. There is something wrong with a SO or internet strangers saying someones friendship is inappropriate just because they choose to view exes or the opposite sex as offlimits as friends.
What is wrong is that YOU are dating someone YOU are not compatible with. You don’t like strippers, he does. You like public declarations, he doesn’t. He see’s nothing wrong with a friendship with his ex, you find it inappropriate. YOU need to leave this relationship and find someone that shares your values/ideas about relationships.
Post # 10
The Robin thing is effing weird. Sorry, gonna say that cuz it is. No guy that respects the woman he’s with and the relationship he has tells her that another woman is his Robin. Like wtf?
The other things you mentioned I think are just misunderstandings/tiffs. Very few women applaud when their man goes to a strip club. Just understand that if he wants to go, he’ll go. All you can do is try to discuss it with him and set up boundaries (if he respects you, he’ll respect the boundaries).
Also, i’m uber private about my relationship too, so I guess I could see getting annoyed by my SO listing it on his facebook, but I wouldn’t get like pissy about it as tho I don’t want pple to know…I just don’t want pple who have no business knowing knowing, you know? lol Anyways, OP, if you’re feeling like he’s not 100% invested in your relationship, then maybe it’s time to call it quits. Have a talk with him first about your feelings, but if you don’t get any clarity or feel any better after, then leave. You deserve to feel secure in your relationship.
Post # 11
I don’t follow HIMYM very much, but I do know that the whole “he goes after Robin in the end” only JUST happened… what, 3 days ago? So I wouldn’t hold that against him if he was saying stuff like that before.
My Best Friend’s Wedding is all about a pact made for two friends to marry each other at 28, and then the guy finds a girlfriend/fiance. Guess who he ends up with? His fiance, not the best friend.
Regarding the strip club, I would be mad if my guy told me what I could and could not do. Your words: “I told him he cannot go to strip clubs.” Key word: told. It would be better if you had a sit-down discussion about how they make you feel uncomfortable, blah blah blah. You shouldn’t just say “Don’t go.”
As for FaceBook, maybe it’s an army thing. I have some friends who are in the navy or have SOs in the navy, and a lot of them prefer to keep their relationship status off FB. One couple is even married, but it’s not listed. I’m one of those “It’s only official if it’s on FB” people, but some people are very private.
That said, if you’re not happy and feel like he isn’t putting in enough effort, you need to talk to him and decide if being in this relationship is good for you.
Post # 12
Thanks for all of the advice! I was told the same thing buy a guy friends, about some people being very private and having issues with being “told” to do something. I didn’t mean to put it like that, I just think I am unsure with the whole dating and how exactly to set up boundries and discuss that without making it sound like commands.
I am going back and forth on whether I am just being too picky and unreasonable, or not. I just had a discussion with him last night that kind of worried me, but again, not sure if I should just give it a little more time.
He told me he loved me when he was a little drunk, and then I said it back the next day, and he said he did not remember and it never happened. It was a slap to the face. I didn’t believe he was that drunk because after sleeping for two hours we went shopping and he was fine. He remembered our other conversations during that time. So how could he NOT remember saying that? I brought that point up and he said “Next time wait when I am sober”.
So then I asked, “It’s been almost half a year, how do you feel about me?” And he said “I don’t know, but I am enjoying my time with you.”
Then later he said “I really like you, but I don’t know if you are the one for me because I am still getting to know you.” :/ Kinda made me feel horrible and embarrased, because was not expecting him to “not” remember saying I love you. I know you can’t rush feelings, but I am wondering what is a reasonable amount of time to wait for an “I love you” back? I care about him, but at the same time I am afraid to waste my time on a commitment phobe. He is also deploying in a month so I guess that makes me nervous as well.
Post # 13
enraous: ughh I am sorry you are dealing with this but IMO I would leave, they have to marry each other if they are not married by 40? So obviously there is feelings somewhere in there?
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
That whole “If we haven’t married when we reach 40 we’ll marry each other” is so My Best Friend’s Wedding….I would run for the hills.
Post # 15
Yeah the comment about marrying her if they aren’t by 40…would worry me too. I had said that to a male friend of mine (who I dated previously) while dating other guys that…well, I knew just weren’t really going to work out. I held a flame for that fella for a loooooong time. Some of the things you list seem too iffy and since you’re still early into the relationship, I don’t know if I would continue to invest myself in it.