(Closed) Relationship Ambivalence

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

dailydoubtingbee:  You have your answer. You can imagine that there is someone that is a better fit for you (and him). When you find the right person for you, even if your Fairy Godmother came down and said there is someone better for you, you can’t imagine it. I cannot imagine how anyone would be a better fit for me then Darling Husband. Maybe an exact copy who also won the lottery LOL

You know you have to leave him. You just want to do it in a way that no one get hurt. That’s not possible. Either you get big hurt now or you get little hurt every day as your soul begins to die. Then an even bigger hurt down the road when the stakes are higher, because at some point you will either cheat on him or divorce him. You already know this is not the man for you. He is a good man and you want to love him the way a husband should be loved, but you don’t. And you can’t think, beg, try your way into feeling that way. 

Post # 32
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, no matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.

Post # 34
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Marriage does NOT change relationship problems for the better. Never. If you’re not sure, don’t get married–postponing might cause some anguish, but it isn’t nearly as traumatic and expensive as a divorce down the road. 

Post # 35
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Also, this is your third thread about this problem in the past month–it seems like you might already know your answer, bee. 

Post # 36
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Don’t you want to marry someone you’re 100% sure about? The opportunity for that is definitely out there, don’t miss it because you’re settling for someone you feel ambivalent about. “Great on paper” is NOT a reason to marry someone. The certainty I have for my husband, even when I’m mad as hell at him, is something I have never wavered on. He is my person. Let this guy go so you can find yours.

Post # 37
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Yipeebee: I’m very jealous of your relationship. How long have you been together?

Post # 38
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m going through a divorce and had similar misgivings when I was getting married. Trust yourself. You are enough. I remember when I was contemplating breaking things off with my now ex, I wanted desperately to have someone tell me: You are enough. You don’t need anyone to complete you. 

I don’t know if that helps at all, but it’s true. You are so young, still figuring out what you want and need. I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way to you now, but it’s ok to choose yourself. Even if he is a perfect man, this relationship could still be wrong for you because something inside of you is telling you to walk away. Trust yourself and your life will open up for you. 

<3

Post # 39
Member
10 posts
Newbee

dailydoubtingbee:  I’m going to copy/paste something I wrote to another woman on these boards regarding a similar situation (with some changes to personalize it regarding ambivalence a bit): 

I just wanted to chime in to say that this can 100% be normal. God, if I could count how many times I’ve felt ambivalent towards my s/o,  I’d probably still be counting. 

I hate this mentality that people have to be over the moon and pooping rainbows when they get engaged and I HATE the phrase, “doubt means don’t.” No, it doesn’t. Various studies have shown that the honeymoon phase (the butterflies, excitement, etc) can end anywhere from 6months to 2yrs into a relationship (obviously there are exceptions). I have terrible anxiety (and depression) that has manifested itself in my relationship (due to both of my parents getting divorced when I was so young, a bounty of crappy relationships, and a chemical imbalance in my lovely lovely anxiety-riddled brain). It latched onto my relationship six months into us dating. I had doubts. “Have I fallen out of love with him?” “Maybe I love him, but I’m not IN love with him.” I went through periods where there was NO attraction or feelings of love for him at all. I would get SO afraid that I would cheat one day. Sometimes, I had to FORCE myself to stay. And, you know what? ALSO NORMAL. Relationships ebb and flow. I have been with my now fiancé for over 2.5 years. Six months in, the ambivalence started for me (which is, not so coincidentally, when I was like, “Holy crap, I could marry this guy!”). I was devastated because I was sure that meant that I didn’t love him “like that” anymore. It turns out, I had to change how I looked at love and I had to get in tune with myself and learn about myself and my expectations of what love is. 

Love is not a feeling. I repeat: Love. Is. Not. A. Feeling! Love is a choice through and through. I don’t believe in soulmates. Is there someone out there who is better for me? Maybe. Is there someone out there that is better for my fiancé? Probably. Could I/he be just as happy or happier with someone else? Yes. There are billions upon billions of people in this world. To assume that you are meant for ONE person is, in my mind, a bit farfetched. To me, what makes my relationship with my fiancé that much sweeter is that I choose HIM every single day even though I know he or I could be just as content with someone else. That makes love so much more wonderful; knowing that it is not a feeling but a choice. He CHOOSES to love me even when he can’t stand me. Sometimes, I want someone else. Sometimes he does. We’re human. We get annoyed with each other. But, we choose one another every day and we’ve made a commitment to always choose one another, even when we don’t like each other at all. I still, due to my anxiety, have moments of, “What if I’m making the wrong decision?” “What if I’m just comfortable?” I’ve learned how to silence those voices. They play a lot, but this my demon and we all have our demons.

Transitions are scary. People react to them differently. Not every person is stoked and over the moon about getting married. A lot of people experience exactly what you’re experiencing. I did/am/will be until I’m six feet under. What I’ve learned is that’s who I am and I will always go through periods where I’m uncertain and scared and confused, because it’s how I’m wired. When I think about our wedding, I become scared sh*tless (excited, but holy crap scared). It’s a massive commitment and the idea of being with one person for the rest of my life scares me to bits. Men are allowed to feel this way. The media celebrates it: the groom with the cold feet and the “only one lady bit forever” freakout. A LOT can arise when you’re about to get married. Some women throw themselves into wedding planning and never really connect with their feelings. Some women are filled with butterflies and stay that way until the day they die. We’re all so different and that’s okay. One of the most monumental things of this growing process over the years for me is that I learned that it’s okay to not feel okay. It doesn’t mean that your relationship is crappy. In my opinion, the fact that I was able to work through my confusion and the fact that I was able to choose love and to choose my s/o despite it all, sets me up to be in that percentage of marriages that do last. You’re not running from your feelings. You’re not hiding behind butterflies or centerpieces. You’re facing them head on. This is good!

TLDR: Yes, it’s normal to marry someone you’re not 100% passionate about because passion fades. Then, passion reignites. And then, passion fades again. Feelings, in themselves, are ephemeral. They are fleeting. This is why it’s important to choose love, not to wait for yourself to feel it. I’ve found when I choose love and I perform loving actions towards the man I’m with (even if I’m feeling ‘meh’), those butterflies reappear from time to time. Then, they flutter away again. It’s incredible how much more I appreciate them now that they don’t come up much as opposed to when I had them all of the time at the beginning of our relationship. If you’re in the mood for some more reading, I highly recommend, “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix. Chin up! You’ve got this! 

Post # 40
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

Yup, I’d postpone and work on your relationship before you marry. Better sorting now than marrying and finding out you can’t. I think that most things can be worked through when both are commited to working towards a common goal. If you’re feeling disconnected then start strenthening from the inside out. I haven’t read all the comments, have you tried individual counseling. You say you’ve read self help books, has he? Best of luck, this is never a feel good spot to be in  I think you’d both benefit from a little soul searching.

Post # 41
Member
10 posts
Newbee

walk_by_faith:  I’m a CT member too (joined Dec 2013)!!! Joining was the best decision I EVER made! Because of Sheryl’s work, not only have I saved and greatly strengthened my relationship, I’ve become a better, more confident, and *conscious* person. Yay! Sorry haha just excited to see another CT’er lol

Post # 42
Member
3244 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

lookingforadvice77:  about two and a half years but we’ve lived several lifetimes within that time frame. Luckily we have come out stronger and content in our lot even if many would consider it hell. Marry someone you know will be there in crisis, tragedy and unpredictability. That much is essential. 

Post # 43
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I was doubtful when we first got engaged. I’m the type of girl who doubts every decision I make. Even choosing food at a restaurant is hard for me , i’m soo indecisive! I think the doubt came from my personality, not cuase of him. However, as it got closer to the wedding i got more certain, and i am happy to say i am super in love, certain, and have a solid stable relationship with my spouse. I would recommend some heavy thinking before you commit though. 

Post # 44
Member
487 posts
Helper bee

I think most relationships have ups and downs, but your situation seems more serious than that.  I can’t imagine feeling “ambivalent” about my Fiance.  Does he do things that annoy me or piss me off?  Sure.  Even then, though, I love him deeply.  I agree that marriages require more than just love, but love needs to be there too.  Being engaged has been a little scary (like, whoa, am I adult enough for this?), but I always come back to the fact that I love my Fiance and truly believe we’re going to have a great future together.

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