- 3 years ago
Just looking for a bit of help/any coping techniques/similar stories….anything! I feel at such a loss and like he’s going to walk away.
Here’s my story….
Eight months ago I got back with my ex boyfriend. The beginning was amazing, I had my doubts and insecurities and he literally did everything he could to show his love and commitment, flowers on my door step, love letters, concert tickets, surprises here and there…it was lovely.
A few months ago he went out on a night out and i got a small worry in my head that he could have cheated on me on me (nothing at all happened to suggest this was true, it was simply a thought) from then on I have struggled massively to get that thought out my head which has turned into an overall fear that he may have cheated on me or done something to hurt me since we got back together. We’ve had numerous conversations about it (he’s always very reassuring) and now I’ve developed a fear that he could be lying to me and blaming my mental health.
I’ve now turned into a shadow of my former self. I’m on medication which I’ve just recently doubled, I’m getting therapy, paying for mental health books and apps. I’m going to the docs all the time because it’s had a knock on effect and effected my health anxiety too.
ive always had anxiety for as long as I can remember but this is the worst I’ve ever been, I’ve got myself in a horrible rut and pattern of negative thinking that I just can’t seem to get out of. When I’m not in an “episode” I know fine well there’s nothing to hurt me and actually look back in disbelief at the thoughts I had but when I’m in an episode it’s terrible.
i instantly go to my boyfriend for reassurance which at the start he was very patient and reassuring with but he’s now beginning to lose patience. A trigger came out of nowhere last night to which I told him how I was feeling and he got extremely angry and started shouting at me for ages which made me worse. After a few hours I asked if we could have a calming reassuring chat to which he refused, this hen resulted in me feeling anxious all day Today as I didn’t have the bring back to earth I needed. I’ve found that if he just brings me back to reality, reassures me in a soothing calming way we’re able to enjoy a day or night with little disruption and a onversation only lasting a few minutes, but when he gets angry it can last for days. He’s only human and I can see that he’s getting fed up and is on the verge of leaving, he put some up with probably three to four conversations a week and often dreads coming home in case I’m anxious and ask a question. This results in me feeling very along and like I have to stay quiet and put on a brace face.
we have had numerous text conversations about it and one thing I do when in an episode is spend hours And hours reading over texts to help myself but I know it just makes me worse. I’ll be at work and disappear for fifteen minute chunks to read over my texts and perform my checks. I then feel worse and have to go to the toilet numerous times, feel sick, get palpitations and unable to concentrate.
when I come out of an anxious episode I feel so determined to have the relationship we deserve and not slip into my fearful thoughts but they literally come out of nowhere. Hes actually over his mums tonight because last night was so bad so I’m in alone.
He says he’s sick of being questioned and I need to believe him….I try and explain that my thoughts aren’t rational and of course when I’m being me I do believe him but my anxiety takes over with my fears and I can’t see past them, I feel in a bubble.
ive started phone therapy but I am only on week one.
i think my anxiety is from past relationships and my first relationship with my now partner. I desperately just want to have a normal relationship with normal worries. Without this one issue we have an amazing loving relationship and it’s so sad because it s all just made up in my head and I’m not allowing us to enjoy each other.
i was just wondering if anybody had been through anything similar and how they got through it? Im in that much of a rut and pattern of behaviour now that I’m struggling to see past it and to a future with this ridiculous fear.