- 2 years ago
Hey ladies –
I’ve been feeling so stressed about this over the weekend, and I really just need a place to vent, bounce some ideas off some outsiders, and maybe do some self-therapy so I can gather my thoughts before I talk to my boyfriend about this. I’m going to try to keep my thoughts organized, but sorry in advance if all this just comes out as word vomit :\
So I’ve been seeing this guy for about 6 months and everything has been great! We agree on the major stuff (religion, kids, etc.), we respect eachother on smaller opinion issues that we don’t see eye-to-eye on, we have a great sex life, and we genuinely get along and like hanging out with each other. On top of that, he truly cares about the people in his life and has a heart of gold! I can really see things working out with him for the win. However, despite all the great stuff, I can’t get over this horrible relationship anxiety that I’ve been experiencing for the past few weeks. The whole thing that started it was a few comments he made about strip clubs.
One important note before I continue: He said that he has been to strip clubs in the past for bachelor parties and that he would want a stripper for his own bachelor party, but otherwise its not like he’s at the strip club every weekend, lol. So we’re just talking about a once-every-few-years thing.
He thinks that an attached guy going to a strip club every once in awhile is no big deal, and even told me he wouldn’t care if I ogled and fantasized about other guys as long as I came home to him. He even threw in a comment that its fine to go get turned on at a strip club and then come home and have great sex with his girlfriend…I took that as a major insult; that if he were to do that to me, it would make me feel like he needs to go get turned on by other girls in order to have sex with me, which feels like a giant slap in the face to me. I told him this, and he paused and sheepishly agreed that he could see my point, but then we just stopped talking about it.
I started to get anxiety the days following that short discussion; I began to wonder if he was actually trying to tell me that I’m not enough for him, which I know is irrational, but I couldn’t figure out how to turn those thoughts off. I feel like as a woman, my entire life has been “yeah you’re nice and you’re smart and you’re kind, but you’re just not pretty or thin enough; therefore YOU are not enough.” The rational side of me knows that that is complete bullcrap, but the anxious thoughts that keep coming up tells me that this is definitely, for sure, indeed, a true statement. Therefore, by that logic, if he feels that he wants to go to a strip club, then I am not enough for him. That logic made perfect sense, but after a few days, the anxiety subsided and I thought it was put to rest.
Fast forward to this past Friday, he was telling me some story about something, and a stripper rubbed her boobs in his face (this was years ago, way before we even met). I honestly don’t remember what the rest of the story was, all I heard was that a stripper rubbed her boobs in his face, and I got extremely annoyed and started messing around on my phone while he was mid-story (which I never do because I think it is incredibly rude but I just got SOOOO annoyed with hearing my boyfriend talk about having another woman’s breasts in his face, I couldn’t take it!). I honestly know for a fact that he wasn’t trying to upset me at all…but I also can’t figure out why in the world he thinks I have any interest in hearing about another woman rubbing her boobs in his face, lol.
I didn’t tell him that hearing about the boobs in his face bothered me because I didn’t want to rock the boat and ruin our night…so instead I just held it all inside and ruined MY night instead. Healthy, right? And then, all of Saturday and Sunday, I kept getting HORRIBLE anxiety attacks about our relationship! I’m talking about hyperventilating, crying, worst-case scenarios running through my head like a train for hours on end. I mean, it was BAD! But…its really nothing to do with him, its just that the more attached I get to him, the more scared I get of what can go wrong and how much he could hurt me if he really wanted to, and it scares the crap out of me to let my guard down and let him in. I mean things from my past just keep coming up and I can’t turn the thoughts off; my “evil ex”, as I like to call him, had cheated on me, lied to me constantly, stolen from me, used me, manipulated me, and even had the nerve to gaslight me and turn everything around on me whenever I would question him. I honestly felt like I was the problem, and then one day, 5 years into our relationhip, he comes home, packs a suitcase (that I bought, obvs), tells me its over, and moves in with his new girlfriend that night. It was, hands-down, the most painful night of my life. I stayed single for the past five years because I didn’t want to deal with the pain. I went on dates with a million guys during that period of course, but I was the asshole; I was the one who cut things off, I was the one who ghosted guys, I was just a selfish, undateable asshole. But of course, I wasn’t living a sustainable lifestyle, and by the time I met my current boyfriend, I was ready to settle back down and stop with the drunken nights of being single and carefree.
So I know that was a lot, but knowing all this, I try to keep in mind that a lot of the relationship anxiety that I get has absolutely nothing to do with my current boyfriend, and that its just me being scared of letting him in and being hurt all over again. The strip club thing started all this, but it didn’t take long for it to snowball into me completely breaking down and re-visiting allllll the painful memories of my ex. So now I’m worried that this will keep happening! But I’m torn because I can’t figure out how to make this anxiety stop; do I open up and tell him about all this relationship anxiety? Do I tell him about my evil ex, and why I’m so hypersensitive to the thought of being cheated on or lied to? Am I overreacting, is this no big deal? Do I just need to take a chill pill? Do I keep my insecurity to myself and work through with a therapist? I honestly can’t figure this out, I feel like I’m at a dead-end! He’s such a great guy, I don’t want to let my anxiety ruin a good thing 🙁