Relationship Anxiety + Me Not Knowing How to Communicate = ?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Well, I think that was a seriously stupid thing of your boyfriend to say, but I’m not sure if it warrants panic attacks. Listen, you need to remind yourself that everything will be OK! You survived the pretty much worst-case scenario with your ex. You are strong.

Nip the stupid comments in the bud with your current boyfriend. Mine said something jokingly once too that I side-eyed and just said “do you think you’re with one of your bros right now?” Message sent/received. If you do bring it up now that it’s in the past, just say, that was not really a sensitive/intelligent thing to say to your partner. Do not make excuses for why his comment upset you (“I was in a bad relationship before”) his comment was stupid, end of.

Good luck!

Post # 3
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I think therapy would be very helpful for you. It seems like your past negative experiences with your ex are heavily influencing the way you’re interpreting some of the things your boyfriend is saying. 

>”But…its really nothing to do with him, its just that the more attached I get to him, the more scared I get of what can go wrong and how much he could hurt me if he really wanted to, and it scares the crap out of me to let my guard down and let him in.”

I think this is very telling. You like this guy more and more every day and you’re terrified that he’s going to hurt you like your ex did. You know that there’s a direct correlation between how deeply you care about him, and how badly he can hurt you. A therapist will help you work through your feelings, resolve your past, and manage your anxiety. They can also help you learn how to effectively communicate your feelings with your boyfriend. I also have an abusive/cheater ex and diagnosed anxiety disorder, and I can remember feeling the way you felt early on in my relationship with my SO and reading into everything he said. It was pretty destructive. Now, I mostly have things under control and have gone completely off meds. So there’s definitely hope, you just have to be comfortable seeking help. Good luck, bee!

Post # 4
Member
2749 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I could not be with a guy who goes to strip clubs. I know plenty of girls who are ok with it. I have a friend who hired a stripper for her husband’s retirement party!! 

You have to decide what you are comfortable with and discuss this with your boyfriend. You have only been together 6 months. This might be a dealbreaker, but that’s up to you.

I’m so sorry about what happened to you in your past relationship. I had a long term boyfriend who was having an affair with a married woman. It was really awful for me. So, I get how you feel traumatized from that. 

Post # 5
Member
11349 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
nicole1121 :  

Sweetie, you are suffering way too much.  Have you been checked out for a possible anxiety disorder?  That is totally treatable is therapy and possibly meds.

Yes, what your bf said was certainly artless, but your anxiety sounds unmanageable.  That needs to be brought under control before you can make any relationship work.

 

Post # 6
Member
2988 posts
Sugar bee

For someone you haven’t been dating all that long, he sure does like to talk about strippers and going to strip clubs and having strippers rub their boobs on his body.

Frankly, I’d consider it a bit of a red flag that the topic comes up this much, and would wonder how much time he actually is spendng in strip clubs.  It’s odd to me that a guy you’ve only been dating 6 months had made a point of telling you he’s going to want a stripper at his bachelor party and he likes using strippers to get turned on.  Like he’s taking your temperature on the issue or tryign to slowly get you accustomed to the idea of him spending regular time in strip clubs.

Post # 7
Member
749 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
misslucy :  I agree with what you said here. It’s a red flag. Why is he so preoccupied with strip clubs? Who talks about this sort of thing so often? 

Personally I find strip clubs gross and disturbing and I would seriously question any guy who’s into that sort of thing. It’s just not a very attractive quality in a significant other. But that’s just me. You have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not. 

Post # 8
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

A few things:

1) I think that individual therapy would definitely be helpful for you. I think it would be healthy for you to talk things out with a neutral party and learn some ways to better cope with your anxiety. 

2) Definitely find a way to bring this up with your boyfriend. I’m sure he doesn’t even realize everything that’s been going on in your head and would feel terrible to know that you’ve been suffering with this anxiety. I’m sure he thinks you are beautiful and you are enough for him, and will tell you so if you just talk to him about it. This will probably help calm your fears a lot. 

However, for the record, I agree with you that I think going to a strip club to get turned on by other women, but then going home to your partner is a little insulting. I’m also kind of wondering why he keeps bringing up strip clubs so much though? I’ve never been in a relationship where it was a very frequent topic of discussion, so it just seems odd to me that he’s brought it up twice within a week or two, but it probably doesn’t really mean anything.

Post # 9
Member
11389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
nicole1121 :  honestly, I think the anxiety is trying to tell you something you’re refusing to look at. 

what I got from your post is you value a kind of fidelity that does not include using stippers to get excited to have sex with you. You shared your feelings and next thing you know, he is telling a story about a stripper.

that would make anyone with your values anxious, not because he is wrong but because he is telling you that this is his value and you know that is going to lead to pain for you because it clashes with yours.

Instead of standing up for yourself, you’re saying he didn’t mean it and trying to stuff your own feelings, which then double and triple until they look irrational and are even easier to dismiss.

 But none of this changes the fact that your values re strippers are clashing with his, and this is a problem for you. 

Don’t gaslight yourself and your feelings. This is not a communication problem, it’s a values problem. 

 

Post # 11
Member
6135 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Why is he bringing up strip clubs so often? Is it to test you, to make you feel uncomfortable? Is he getting kick out of letting you know he has a stripper tits in his face? I don’t know if your bf is such a great guy. He seems like an a**hole here. 

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