relationship anxiety

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

You’ve NEVER talked on the phone? WHAT??????????????? I need to understand this before I even comment further. This is CRAY CRAY to me. My man and I talk everyday on the phone and we’ve been together a year. I cannot imagine being satisfied otherwise. Then again, you’re a few years younger than me and Millenials can be that way. Uggh.

Post # 4
Member
500 posts
Busy bee

Every relationship is different but here are my concerns from what you’ve said:

-Only spending a few hours a week together at 8 months seems like not enough. If you have busy lives, that would make sense. I have a really busy schedule, but when I am dating someone the amount of time we want to spend together will gradually increase. If we can’t make it work in person, this is where we will start talking over the phone. A few years ago I was dating someone during a very busy period of my life. He would come take me out for breakfast, then drop me off at work. The same day he would meet me after work to hang out for a few hours before I had to head to my second job. Some days we would just come together at 11:30 at night when we were finally both done for the day just so we could cuddle and sleep in the same bed then get up together the next morning.

-For two people who are both looking for serious relationships it worries me that no I Love You has been exchanged yet at 8 months

-Where does his family live? If they are int he same city and there has been no offer to introduce that would bother me too

 

I know this sounds harsh, but in my experience if I have to question whether or not a man wants to be with me I already have my answer.

 

Post # 5
Member
34 posts
Newbee

I would suggest counseling. Counseling really helps to get your feelings out without putting them all on your boyfriend. Start calling him and talking some during the day. You will feel more connected. Also, I would ask him to take single off of Facebook! You don’t want to be overbearing but you also have to stand up for yourself. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I too am kind of shocked that you guys haven’t talked on the phone yet.  Is there a reason he can’t talk when at home?  Like someone else at home that he doesn’t want hearing him?

Post # 8
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

So, I don’t think it’s necessarily weird if someone prefers text over calls (and yes, to an extent it is a millenial thing) but what I do think is weird is that when you call, he returns with a text and never a subsequent call.

Like, okay you dial him up, he misses it…totally fine to send a text that says, “hey I just got out of the shower, call you in a minute:)” but totally weird to just send a text and then not ever call you or mention calling. Sure, it’s possible he has a phone aversion and doesn’t like to talk on the phone but still. I hate talking on the phone since it’s such a big part of my job, I don’t want to do it at home. But for my parents, sister, Darling Husband, and best friend I make exceptions because they’re priority to me.

If he hasn’t said I love you…have you said it? My Darling Husband hadn’t said it (nor had I) and we’d been together 8 months at that point and I’d been dying to say it for probably 6 of those 8 months, haha. I just didn’t want to freak him out…and as it turned out, he’d been feeling the same. So perhaps that’s the case here? 

I’d pay attention to how he acts when you’re together. Does he answer calls or make calls during your time together, or is he anti-phone with everyone?

It’s probably a good sign that you’ve hung out with his best friend’s girlfriend. I would THINK (and would hopefully be right!) that if anyone on his side knows about you, then he’s not sneaking around with you, you know? I would ask to meet his mom! Next time she sends you food, maybe send her a thank you note and say, “Thank you so much for the casserole. It was delicious, I’ll have to get the recipe from you. I would love to finally meet you–give me a call (111-222-3333) if you’d like to arrange something. Thank you again! K.”

The weirdest thing to me is that at this point you’re still only seeing each other 2x/week and you said for several hours at a time…that sounds to me like no sleeping over (or very few at least). That seems like so little time to be 8 months in. By this point I would think that 4-5 times per week and some spend the nights would be the norm, but maybe I’m wrong. This and the phone thing seem to be the weirdest parts to me.

Post # 9
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

The comment he made to you at 3 months concerns me – it’s great that he was honest with you but, to me, it seems he is showing you through his actions that he still feels the same way. I wouldn’t go as far as to say he’s sticking around out of boredom or just for the hell of it, but it’s clear he’s moving at a much slower pace than you and I’m not sure if he’s truly prioritizing this as a ‘serious’ relationship yet. By 8 months, at your ages, I would think you would’ve hit a lot of these ‘milestones’ (for lack of a better word).

You mentioned that you both discussed wanting marriage and children, but have you discussed your ideal individual timelines for these? Just because a man wants marriage and children eventually doesn’t mean he wants it anytime soon. Yes, you’ve had the “If you don’t want to marry me, let me know,” conversation, but honestly it doesn’t sound like that topic is really on his radar with you right now, so it seems he may be fine coasting for a while. I mean, 8 months and he hasn’t even said “I love you”? Gives me pause. 

You need to think about if this relationship is truly right for you – don’t stick it out for the sake of having a boyfriend or being afraid of being alone. You need to truly be okay with the pace/state of things, or move on and find someone more on the same page. 

Post # 10
Member
953 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think the biggest indicator for me would be whether or not you’ve addressed any of these things with him and what his reaction has been. The calling or the FB status, for example–if you’ve talked to him about it has he just brushed it off or been defensive? I think you need to be more upfront about your communication with him. It isn’t easy to bring up a topic where you fear what the answers might be, but at least then you’d know where you both stand. If he doesn’t know you’re thinking about these things or how you feel, it may just not be on his radar. 

Post # 14
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Does he see his family much? I would definitely be bothered if there have been plenty of times when he got together with them without you. He should be dying to introduce you. 

I too find the phone thing weird. I’m 34 and I text with friends, but I would want to actually talk to my bf. 

The I love you thing…. 8 months is a pretty long time. Usually you would know by then. Are you in love with him and waiting for him to say it first? Or do you not love him (yet, maybe)?

i don’t want to be negative, but it does sound like maybe he’s just not that into you. Sorry to say that 🙁 But that’s my outsider perspective. Just because he kinda love-bombed you at first with the settled down and married with kids talk, doesn’t mean his feelings have necessarily developed enough for that to become a reality. 

The other potential situation is that he DOES love you and wants to be with you, but this is just how he is in a relationship. A little standoffish, keeping you at arm’s length a little bit. If that’s the case, is this a standard that you would be happy with going forward? I know for me, I would need a little more obvious declaration / show of his feelings and commitment toward me. 

I agree with PP suggestion of seeing a counselor to talk about it. My good friend who is 35 and single and dating around does that, and it really helps her work through her feelings on various men AND on herself.  

Mainly, I think you should have The Talk. Better now than later, right? If he loves you, he’ll be happy to talk about his feelings and hopes for the future. If he doesn’t want to talk about it…well you don’t want to waste time with someone who’s not as into you as you are into him. 

Post # 15
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

krm1984 :  That timeline could certainly change if he feels he’s met the right person but, you should ask yourself, are you okay with and/or prepared to possibly wait 5 years for marriage and children?

With the Facebook thing – is he a pretty active user? My SO has Facebook but pretty much never posts anything. We had made the verbal declaration that our relationship was exclusive but I had to initiate the ‘Facebook official’ end of it.

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