- 2 years ago
Hi ladies! This is my first post, and I’m not engaged, but I’ve been reading some of the relationship posts here and everyone seems so supportive!
So here’s the sitch: I need some advice. I’ve got some pretty extreme relationshp anxiety that I KNOW I have no reason to be feeling. To set the scene, I’m 33 and in an AMAZING relationship and have been for almost 8 months now (he’s 31). We started dating in September of 2016 and it’s been awesome ever since – he’s attentive, supportive, affectionate, and funny. We’re genuinely best friends. However, I’ve started to become terrified that things won’t work out. I don’t know why but I’ve started overanalyzing text message tone/frequency and little things here and there – I know I shouldn’t, but I think it’s because at 8 months, I’m so invested, I just want it to work out so badly!
For context, in December 2014 I got out of a LONG 8 year relationship. We lived together for 6 years. He was a classic Peter Pan “man child” who would never verbally commit; I should have seen the signs. No financial investments together, he avoided letting me pay for furniture, etc., everything was “yours or mine.” When we broke up he basically accused me of pushing him into taking every progressive step in the relationship. Needless to say I’m a bit scarred from this experience and don’t want to waste any more time as I DO want to be married with kids and honestly, the clock is ticking. After getting out of this relationship I came to terms with the fact that my window may have closed; when I met my current guy, it was a last-ditch online dating effort and I didn’t expect it to work out. Imagine my surprise when it did! Within two weeks of meeting…let’s call him R…he told me he wanted to be married with kids in 5 years and asked if I felt the same. When I said yes, he said he was asking serious questions for a reason that he took very seriously – and asked me to be his girlfriend. YAY!
We’ve only had one “hiccup” and that was after three months (a time when I think a lot of people examine where they are) – he honestly approached me and said that he was worried that I was maybe more “into” the relationship than he was and that he felt guilty when he couldn’t text me back at work, etc. and he didn’t want me to feel that I was carrying the burden of the relationship. This was terrifying to hear, of course, but I listened attentively and thanked him for his honesty. I told him that I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) try to convince him that I was worth sticking around for, and that only he could decide whether he wanted to see where things went. I said that it was clear we both wanted to be married and have a family and that we should agree then and there that if we saw something in the other person that we felt disqualified them from playing that role, we would speak up. Done and done – conversation ended very well.
Fast forward to now, 8 months in, and things really are great. I’ve met his friends, we’ve gone to multiple parties together – I’ve even had a one on one girl hangout with his best friend’s girlfriend. We see each other about twice a week and text nearly every day. But there are a few things that have me nervous:
– He’s met my family but I haven’t met his; he keeps telling me his mom asks about me all the time, she’s even sent me food, but I haven’t met her yet. We’re going out with my brother and sister in law this weekend and he seems genuinely excited about it; he had asked me previously to meet them because we’re very close, so I finally set it up.
– We haven’t said “I love you.”
– We’ve never talked on the phone. (Is this a millenial thing? Like, just what people do these days?)
– His Facebook page still says he’s “single” (I realize this is maybe not that important and that social media creates unnecessary anxiety, but still).
– I mentioned taking a vacation about two months ago that he keeps saying he’ll get me dates for, but he hasn’t. He seemed super enthusiastic at the time (I mentioned a cabin in the woods and he went out of his way to suggest St. Thomas) but still hasn’t nailed down a date, despite being able to take off time for himself on multiple occasions.
I’m contemplating just asking him how he’s feeling about where we going as a general “temperature check” – but should I just chill out given the conversations we’ve already had? I just want to ensure we’re on the same page and heading towards the same goal. Our previous conversations lead me to believe that we are, but I guess I just need to hear it again – is that normal? Insecure? Help ladies! How do I create forward motion and progress without shooting myself in the foot?