relationship anxiety

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
11178 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

krm1984 :  

Relationships that are progressing are about *more*.  More time together, more involvement in each other’s daily lives, just more.  And it happens naturally, at its own pace.

Your relationship is stuck.  It’s not moving forward.  He tried to pull it back a bit when he warned you to slow your roll.

I think on some level you know it’s not progressing as it should and that’s causing you no end of anxiety.  That’s when we start pulling everything apart to examine it for clues.  We’re not at our most attractive.

Men sense our panic–they’re hard wired for it.  So it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Talk to him, Bee. He’s not a frail and delicate flower who will wilt if he has to have a conversation with you on the SAME day he meets your brother.

*All* you can do is talk to him.

Post # 32
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee

Yeah, talk to him next time you see him – why in the world would you put it off? Don’t put anything off. Seriously. 

Putting things off, finding excuses to not have the real/authentic talks… letting anxiety and fear guide your behavior just GROWS the anxiety and fear. Do the opposite of what the anxiety and fear want you to do. Every time. 

Post # 34
Member
11178 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

krm1984 :  

I’m always a bit skeptical of men who claim their exes were *awful* or *crazy*.  What was so awful about her?  Why did he stay with her for three years?

Just something you may want to know more about.

Post # 36
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’m still curious how his family can live five minutes away and yet you haven’t met them in eight months! Has that subject come up? Why do you think he hasn’t invited you? Does he see his family much?

Post # 37
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee

krm1984 :  My SO had the same deal. Horrible ex who conned him into staying with her for three years. And yeah, backed up by every single mutual friend they had who I’ve talked to. Actually, the friend who introduced them no longer talks to the ex because of how awful she finally realized she was. 

SO is a trusting people-pleaser who sees only the best in everyone. He accepted her for all her faults and excused away the truly terrible things, kept waiting for the relationship to improve, etc. I don’t blame him, because I was conned into staying in a terrible 3-year relationship in my early and mid 20’s, too. 

And I, like you, had been burned. I had moved states with my ex, we were discussing getting engaged and married, but then started fighting, and BAM, he just emotionally disengaged. Just like that – the entire future I’d built up in my head disappeared, and it took me a long time to actually let it go. 

So SO and I were starting from similar scarred places. But we pushed through and worked on our honesty, trust, faith, optimism, authenticity, etc together. When one stumbled and did something out of self-protection or fear, the other didn’t reply in kind and pull away. The other person summoned all of their own optimism and self-reliance and helped the other person through their struggle. In this way, we deepened our realtionship and learned that we could rely on each other, that we would be there for each other through tough times. You can’t build this sort of deep foundation and bond without taking a leap of faith and being authentic. 

I’m glad you’re feeling empowered! If you’re a reader (or have audible) definitely read The Power of Vulnerability!

Post # 39
Member
10085 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Hell, text him now and ask him whats up!

lol

Post # 41
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee

krm1984 :  Aww, I’m so glad I’ve helped! Feel free to PM me if you want to have a more off-line discussion, since our stories are so similar.

slomotion :  lol I seriously never waited to initiate the difficult conversations with SO!

I wanted to be SURE he could handle who I really was, how serious I can be, how over-analytical I can be. If something about the relationship felt “wrong” to me, or if I felt a vague sense of unhappiness, I would sit and think over it until I’d defined it clearly for myself. Then I’d figured out what would need to happen for the issue to be resolved.

Then I would call up SO, ask him if I could have a serious talk with him (so he didn’t feel ambushed), and calmly lay everything out for him.

I would’t blame him, I wouldn’t attack him. I’d just say such and such is happening, and unfortuntately, this need of mine is not being met. Can you meet that need? It’s an important need of mine, so if you can’t meet it, we aren’t compatible, and I want to know now rather than later.

I think making conversations about the respective feelings, needs, and expectations involved helps to keep it from feeling like a confrontation. 

Post # 44
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

 I feel like you should just bring this up to him. Reference the previous conversation you had a few months in and start there. Everyone on here is going to have different opinions of what his actions or non-actions mean but at the end of the day you are still going to be fretting about it until you hear it from him.

You are his girlfriend so he shouldn’t find anything strange about you bringing these things up to him. You can say something like “hey I know this might just be me overreacting but I just wanted to check in and see if we are still on the same page about where our relationship stands because lately I have been feeling that we aren’t.” And go from there. 

You know what you want – marriage, a family, etc. There is no use wasting your time with someone who is stringing you along if that’s what he’s doing. On the flip side, nothing good will come of letting these anxieties fester inside you – that will just create problems if there aren’t any!

 

Good luck!!

 

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