relationship anxiety

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
7669 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

krm1984 :  Is the reason you don’t sleep over at each others’ places because of religion/morals? Just curious, because to me the whole thing with only seeing each other a couple times a week when you’ve been together 8 months is so strange. I feel like by 8 months you shouldn’t just be going on “dates” or doing activities when you hang out…you should just kinda be living your life side by side. IDK…obviously there’s no one size fits all approach to relationships but this does seem very odd.

 

Post # 78
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

It’s good that things went well at dinner, but all of this is surface level stuff to me. People generally like relationships – it’s fun to be cute and romantic and sweet, but you can do that with anyone. You can do that with someone available until the “real” person comes along.

You asked if you would ever meet his mom and he said “yes”. Okay; WHEN? Why wasn’t it talked about, or set up, or a timeframe suggested? And why isn’t HE initiating it? If he’s future-minded and so sweet and doting (like he really seems to be!) why is the fb status still Single? (Admittedly, I know people who don’t even care or remember these, so it’s not HUGE, just a small piece of the puzzle).

I guess what I really want to drive home is: ACTIONS speak louder than words. Not feeding you off his plate… by introducing you to his family. By growing in intimacy and each others’ lives. By spending more time together, spending major holidays together, etc etc. I know you’re both busy, but don’t you both WANT to spend the time you DO have together? My boyfriend and I used to do semi-long distance (as in, hour and a half drives) and would even do that during the week there and back and go to work exhausted, just because it was worth it to see each other.

I wish you nothing but the best and hope this turns out great!

Post # 79
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - backyard

I want to comment and just offer my support. I was in a relationship with a guy who sounds very similar. He was a sweet, kind guy who brought up marriage within the first 5 months of our relationship. The problem was that we’d have a vague conversation and I’d think we were on the same page. I felt like it would ruffle feathers to have an honest conversation and I didn’t want to appear demanding. We were also in an interracial relationship and didn’t really talk very honestly about that either, which we would have needed to do if we were going to make it work long term! We finally broke up because I kept feeling like we were hitting a ceiling in the relationship, and we were! He didn’t want to move forward, even though he said he did, and I did want to move forward. When I was dating my now-husband, I brought a lot of those insecurities into my relationship but I actually told him about my fears instead of dealing with them on my own like I did with my ex. If you do have a serious, where is this headed type of conversation, tell your boyfriend about your fears and have a conversation about that too. In other words, tell him what you’re telling us! 🙂 

Post # 80
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

krm1984 :  Any update? Have you talked to him yet?

Post # 81
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Hi there, I don’t think that I’m saying anything that hasn’t been said, but your post has weighed on me and I want to chime in.

A little over a year ago, I was in your shoes. I was about 6 months out of an 8+ year relationship and met someone online. He was three years younger than me, and we connected right away. Our first date was amazing, and we saw each other 3 times in the first four days of dating. But something was just “off” after those first few dates. We live in the same city, but we would only see each other once a week, and rarely on the weekends.  I would stalk his Facebook and Instagram to see what he was up to. We had a conversation early on that we were only seeing each other, but there was no movement or progession to anything more serious. He wouldn’t meet my friends and didn’t invite me to meet his. I was trying so desparately to be the “chill” girl that I didn’t want to ask any questions. Finally, two months in when I got the nerve to have the conversation, he broke it off. He just wasn’t that into me.

And that’s the best thing that could have happened! I started dating my fiancé 6 weeks later. I have never questioned my fiancé’s feelings for me. From the moment we started dating, we were in sync. I never worried if he was going to return my texts or calls. We progressively spent more and more time together and moved in together 6 months into the relationship.

Most of your communication with your guy seems to be over text, even super serious stuff like how you want to raise your children. Those conversations are too important to not have in person. You really need to have the conversation with him sooner rather than later. He very well might be the one for you and just have trouble communicating, but you need to know for sure. If he’s not, there’s someone out there for you that you’ll never have to question. Don’t waste any more time with him if he’s not the one. I don’t mean for any of this to sound harsh. I hope you find the answers you deserve. Hugs! 

Post # 82
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I dont want you to take this the wrong way, bee. I’m just asking because this is something that I’ve struggled with as well, I’m just wondering if you have a hard time accepting affection/beleiving that you are worthy of love. It seems almost like you are expecting things not to work out again and are bracing yourself so you aren’t hurt in the same way. You sound like a kind and thoughtful person, who is maybe still building their confidence back up.  Definitely have The Talk, but if it goes well, you need to rest for a while and know that you are valued.

It sounds like your man might be a little oblivious to your internal timeline, but he seems affectionate. It could be that your relationship seems like it’s lagging behing because you don’t spend a lot of time together during the week. 8 months to you may feel like 6 to him since you aren’t together every day. As for the facebook thing, I’d just ask him to remove his relationship status all together and then delete the post showing the update.

Post # 84
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

I think shewantsthedigges makes some really good points here. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, Bee, and I’m rooting for you, but I would still gently point out that you seem to rely an awful lot on men to validate some of your feelings and actions (and to invalidate some of your worries) — not just partners, but the “guys”/male friends, and your brother. If you don’t feel comfortable pressing your boyfriend right now about where your relationship is going, that’s of course your call, but this might be a broader pattern worth keeping in mind however you choose to go forward here.

Post # 85
Member
6854 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

krm1984 :  I know he’s your brother and everything, but I REALLY disagree with some of the advice he’s been giving you. 

“His take on it was that guys simply don’t think to discuss things when in their minds, they’re good, and don’t generally think to discuss real commitment until the one year mark.”

I have no idea why he thinks this is true. I’ve never heard one guy that I’ve dated or been friends with say that guys in general never think to discuss commitment until the one year mark.

“He also said that “I love you” isn’t anything to worry about either as guys simply don’t view verbal commitments like that as a big deal; it simply doesn’t register if they’re happy.”

Again, what? 

“My brother specifically said that I was going to “blow if” if I pushed too hard.”

No one is saying that you need to sit him down for any type of interrogation, but if you simply wanting to talk about where you’re heading makes him “blow” then that’s a problem. I know you’re scared and your brother is giving you an easy out to not actually have the conversation you want to have. I get it. But simply asking him how things are going and if he’s happy is not going to get the questions you have answered. 

I hope you asking the question of if he’s happy opens up an actual honest conversation about your relationship. 

Post # 86
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

llevinso :  Yeah, I agree, that advice really doesn’t sit well with me… I generally hate it when people say that women are one way, men are another way, because that’s stereotyping and just not fair. Besides, especially in this circumstance, I don’t think it’s true. Saying that guys don’t view saying “I love you” as a big deal?? Or that they have no need to express how they feel if they’re happy?? That’s absolutely false! And a really dangerous perspective, honestly. I know zero guys who feel that way.

I’m glad your brother is looking out for you and that you two are close enough to discuss all this, but I think you should take his perspective with a grain of salt instead of as absolute fact. Your boyfriend is a different person than your brother and may or may not share his views. 

You should do what you feel is right and not have a conversation that you are truly uncomfortable with. But if you’re dying to know how he’s feeling and it’s keeping you up at night and making you really anxious/nervous (which it clearly is based on the title of this thread and the fact that you are seeking therapy for your anxiety about it — though I’m not at all knocking therapy, I think that’s a really smart idea for you to do, and I’m actually doing the same regarding my own stress/anxiety levels), you should talk to him. Asking him if he’s considered a future with you 8 months into a relationship when you’re both in your 30s is not going to blow anything, and if it does, he’s not the one. If he’s scared off by a gentle conversation asking where his head’s at, he’s definitely not the guy you’re looking for. 

I do hope this conversation tonight works out well, and that he is vocal about how he feels about your relationship and your future. And that if he feels positively, you can come up with a system to spend more time together to progress this from a casual relationship to a serious one! Everyone’s busy. You just have to make time for what’s important. 🙂 

Post # 87
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

I strongly disagree with your brother. I’ve never met a man who did not feel verbal commitment was a big deal. If a man is serious about you he will want to make sure you are on the same page. 

And blowing it up by “pushing too hard”? What?? You couldn’t be farther from pushing too hard. 

Post # 88
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

krm1984 :  any update? 🤞 I’ve been following. 🙂 

Post # 90
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

krm1984 :  

Honestly, I don’t think 8 months is a long time and I don’t think that he needs to be ready to say I love you or talk marriage so soon. Some people move slower than others and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. My now Fiance and I were long distance and weren’t able to spend a lot of physical time together. We didn’t say I love you till 9 months in or start discussing marriage until maybe a year and a half in. 

I definitely understand wanting things to be quicker because of wanting children but sometimes starting things with somebody takes more time than expected.

I don’t like that you haven’t met his mom when she’s in town. And if he actually uses Facebook regularly it is weird that he’s still ‘single.’ I’m not huge on Facebook and my Fiance and I didn’t have a FB relationship status until we got engaged 2 years and 3 months into our relationship but at the same time my status wasn’t single, I didn’t have a relationship status at all. 

But that’s good that you’re taking your time to discuss these things with him. I wouldn’t assume that he’s a bad guy or has bad intentions. 8 months isn’t a long time at all and I wouldn’t expect most people to be marriage ready by then. 

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