relationship anxiety

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 92
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

krm1984 :  Did he invite you to go out of town to watch him in his competition?

Post # 93
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I don’t think anyone is suggesting OP starts talking about marriage with the guy or pushing for a commitment??  Not sure where that idea came from.  That would be crazy, given the circumstances (7-8 months in, no I Love Yous, no phone calls, she hasn’t met his family who live in the same town, 2-3 nights together a week, etc).

It’s just that from some of those circumstances that you described, it seems as though your anxiety about him not being as into you as you are into him could maybe be legitimate.  Or, it could be totally unfounded, and he just moves slowly.  I think people are just interested in seeing you have an honest talk with him about how you feel about each other and what you might envision for the future.

I hope it goes well when you do have your talk.  Hopefully it comes as naturally and easily as the discussion of past relationships and insecurities, etc.  

Post # 94
Member
6856 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

lolot :  “I don’t think anyone is suggesting OP starts talking about marriage with the guy or pushing for a commitment??  Not sure where that idea came from.”

Right? This isn’t about sitting him down for some sort of timeline discussion or ultimatum or push for marriage. This is about just simply talking to him about how you feel and where this may be going. OP keeps speculating left and right about his level of interest and commitment but until she actually has that conversation with him, it’s all just guessing! 

OP, I sincerely hope you do get the courage to actually talk to him about this stuff. I think you’ve basically freaking yourself out and it could be for absolutely no reason. 

Post # 95
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Maybe you should hold off on the talk. With each update, the way you describe your interactions and your relationship, the more I feel like you two really don’t know each other at all, that it’s still so new. I think you need to spend a lot more time together. 7 or 8 months seems so long to some of us (myself included!). But it truly isn’t that much at all if you don’t talk on the phone and see each otheir so seldom. Almost like an LDR. 

To be honest you sort of sound like a teenage girl talking about her best guy friend, and that she wants to convince to ask him to be exclusive with but isn’t sure how to bring it up. I’m not being mean and judgey, at all, I swear! just not sure how else to describe it really.

I guess what I’m trying to say – take your time. But definitely communicate a lot more than you are currently or this will truly not progress at all. Have some deep meaningful talks about important life topics that involve your futures, and get to spend more time getting to know one another.

If in a few months you still haven’t exchanged “I love yous” I’d really second guess this entire relationship. I’d start to feel like a friend with benefits. 

Just my 2 cents. Take care! Maybe your therapist will be able to provide insight as well. 

Post # 98
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

lolot and llevinso make very good points, so not much else to offer here other than to repeat that it’s worth very little that everyone says you’re “insane to second guess anything.” For that matter, what I think is worth very little too — but I do think your cautiousness here is bordering on angst that isn’t necessary, angst that could be mitigated with the very conversation you’re cautious about. You say that things will work out, but working things out involves concrete work on your part and his. Like others, I hope you end up having an honest conversation, and that it goes well for you especially since you seem like such a kind person.

Post # 99
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

My worry is that you are trying so so hard to be the breezy, casual girl who doesn’t want to put any pressure on him in the slightest, so much so that you are taking all of that pressure and putting it directly on yourself. You’re coming across to him as light and fun and as the “cool girl” who doesn’t need to talk about the future or hard issues, but in reality, you’re anxious and “trying to just breathe” because all of this is very very stressful for you. I completely get why you are nervous about everything, and I completely get why you wish you weren’t. But feeling one way and pretending to be another, especially around a guy you would like to be with long-term, is not healthy. If you feel something, say something! Relationships are built on open communication and vulnerability. He was vulnerable to you by talking about his ex — it’s time for you to reciprocate and really truly tell him how you’re feeling and have this conversation.

If knowing his thoughts on your relationship didn’t matter to you one way or another, my advice might be different. But your thread is called “relationship anxiety”, and you just said you’re struggling to remind yourself to breathe because of how much this is affecting you. It doesn’t make you annoying to want to know the general direction your relationship is heading. You aren’t nagging him just to ask what he’s thinking, and find out how he’s been feeling — especially since a few months ago, you had a conversation about him not being as into this as you. Checking in 4ish months after that is absolutely reasonable! Sacrificing your own mental health just to come across as a different and more easygoing person to him is not worth it, and is a misrepresentation of who you are and how you feel. 

If you want to be in a serious relationship with this man, a good first step is being honest and yourself with him. FWIW, you seem like a lovely person, and if expressing your fears and concerns makes this man flinch, you deserve better — someone who wants to hear what you have to say and quell your anxiety and express his feelings openly. I hope that this guy does all of those things for you though, and that this conversation goes swimmingly and you’ll wonder why you were ever worried about having an honest conversation with him.

Post # 101
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’ve been thinking about you/this thread! Sending warm vibes…!

Post # 103
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

Oh man, I was in this relationship for over two years. Seriously, some of the stuff you’ve said I thought and experienced verbatim – meeting the family, social media, patiently listening to how awful his ex was, the lack of “I love you”… all the while trying to convince myself that I was overthinking it and just being anxious when everything was okay.

what ended up happening was he started dropping hints that he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to get married or have kids -with anyone, not just me, of course. (Also of course – didn’t turn out to be true.) After about six months of this he finally came out and said we had no future, period – but he didn’t want to break up. I should have broken up with him right there and then but for whatever reason I hung onto stupid hope and stayed two more months, before I finally did dump him.

I feel incredibly pathetic saying this, but it’s been almost two and a half years since we broke up and it’s almost completely scared me off dating. I’ve been out with three guys since then, none of them lasted more than a date or two and they were all set ups by friends. At this point I’m trying to accept that I might be the person who stays single, which is scary, but honestly – it’s less painful that being in the relationship that I constantly questioned.

The infuriating part of these situations is that these guys aren’t bad guys – they’re not mean or abusive, they’re not trying to hurt you, they’re even funny, sweet, and wonderful to be around. It’s that they can see the convenience of the relationship for themselves and they don’t notice the effect it has on you. Right now, it’s good for him – he gets the affection, the attention, and the companionship when it’s convenient. It’s like car insurance – it’s there when you need it, and it’s good to have around, but unless some really amazing deal comes along, or your coverage starts to inconvenience you, you just stick with what’s there because it’s easier than making a change. Same way with relationships – he’s probably very comfortable now, but as soon as it’s not comfy for him he’ll probably break it off, or subtly change the situation in ways you don’t like in hopes that you dump him and then he doesn’t need to be the “bad” one. And once again, it’s not even to be hurtful to you (even though it is) – they are 100% concentrating on what they want and they don’t even see you or your needs.

You sound like a good lady – very intelligent, hard working, empathetic, sexy runner, devoted – you deserve someone who is going to mirror all those good traits back to you and then some.

Post # 104
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I think it’s a really good sign that he doesn’t go off the grid when he’s out of town and instead is keeping in touch (and being the one to initiate it all I assume).

I suppose you should just try moving the relationship forward and see how he reacts: things like sleeping over, meeting the family, etc. at 8/9 months this should be completely normal and NOT at all clingy or too much

Post # 105
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I honestly think you need to sit down with him and bring up all of your concerns… in a nice and kind manner (not pushy or annoyed). You are both in your 30’s and been together for 8 months, so I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask where your relationship stands and what each of you think. 

You can get all of the advice and discussion you want from here, but if you are anything like me, your anxiety will not completely go away until you know the answers to your concerns for sure, which will come directly from him.

I wish you the best of luck! You sound like a really great person and I hope you get your relationship figured out! 

P.s. I am a millennial and I talk on the phone daily with my SO lol

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