Post # 106
Hey Bees, quick update:
Saw him last night post-trip and it was really great. I had worked myself up about having this “talk” and I was really excited to finally feel him out; I brought dinner to his house after work (he’s still unpacking) and between bites of chicken I’m like, re-running in my head what I want to say, etc.! I’m taking a breath to literally begin my little speech when all of a sudden he goes: “Didn’t you want to do something in June?” I sort of looked at him for a second and then recovered, saying “We’d talked a while ago about taking a trip but I sort of gave up on that.”
Well he hadn’t – he’s chosen the last weekend in June to FINALLY nail down a date for this vacation! We’re spending 4 days in the Carribean and I’m so excited. This was one of the signs I was looking for when it comes to relationship progress. He’s obviously really excited too, and told me to go ahead and get the time off work, and he’d plan everything else. He even gave me a choice, Puerto Rico or St. Thomas. I can’t quite believe it! Add to that the fact that when we sat down to dinner between snuggles and “I miss yous,” he was telling me about a business he’s thinking of purchasing, asking for my thoughts and showing me all the tax documents. He was talking about this investment and this future like it was OURS which really meant a lot to me.
Those two things sort of told me all I need to know for now – without forcing the issue. I KNOW we’ll talk on vacation because we’ll have four uninterrupted days together, which I’m really looking forward to. Right now I’m just sort of on a cloud because this wonderful development got dropped into my lap without having to do anything! He was so casual about it too, like, of course we would go, and explained he just isn’t a planner – and here I was, working myself literally into a sickness over nothing.
Anyway, thanks so much ladies for the support, but things are looking UP! 🙂
Post # 107
Ok Bees, another udpate! You were all so kind and supportive I felt like I needed to let you know.
Last night over dinner we were commenting on how many families there were with young kids/babies. So I don’t know what I got into me, but I said “When we first started dating, you said you wanted to be married with a couple of kids in five years; you still feel that way?” He responded that he didn’t really believe in “timelines” but that 5-7 years seemed good, he wanted two kids, a couple of years apart, etc. etc. He then sort of nervously goes “What about you?” Almost like he didn’t know what I would say or where I was going with the question since I haven’t been very aggressive about our future. I responded that in 7 years, I’d be 40 years old, and I wasn’t really keen on being nearly 60 when my kid graduates from high school – . – We continued in this vein of discussing how it’s such a big responsibility, whether you should ever really wait until you feel “ready” to do something (because who ever feels ready?), the fluidity of things happening when they’re supposed to vs. when you want, etc. I told him I appreciated being told of his “updated” timeline and that it was food for thought.
WELL, it’s almost like he was RELIEVED to hear I wanted kids sooner – like when he responded to the question, he wasn’t sure what track I was taking. After we left dinner he was SUPER affectionate, acted like everything I said was the most charming/hilarious thing he’d ever heard, etc. etc. It was really strange. A definite marked difference. Then in the car, super casually, he goes “Well, if you can’t get out to see your mom tomorrow, do you want to come to my mom’s house for dinner?”
< insert peeing of pants >
So I am going to his mom’s house tonight to meet his mom, step dad, sister, and a couple of his mom’s closest friends!!! I can’t quite believe it!!! In the span of three weeks he has: 1) met my brother and his wife; 2) planned a trip for us to St. Thomas; 3) invited me to meet his entire family. It’s like he knew I was stressing about all of these things, OR felt (like I did) that the time was right to take a few steps forward.
FINALLY!! It’s happening!! 🙂
Post # 108
It’s weird he originally started your relationship with this 5 year timeline and now suddenly saying he doesn’t believe in timelines. BUT it’s GREAT news that he’s invited you to meet so much close family! So I’d say YAY!
Post # 109
I’ve had a quick read through here, and some of you Bees are full-on! I think we put in a societal expectation, rather than an organic progression of a relationship sometimes! Not everyone is going to feel ready, or ought to “feel ready” at 8 months. The one thing I agree on, is K you need to talk to him more. Don’t shut your feelings and needs – it’s OK to have them, and it’s even more OK to express them.
K, to give you some context – I am almost 29 and my partner is 27. We have been together for almost two years and living together for 9 months. I dropped the “L” bomb six months into our relationship, after much deliberating and feeling so scared and vulnerable to do so. At that point in time, he was not ready to tell me; it was four months later that he reciprocated, the night I moved into my house and the night that we made the decision to move in together. I appreicated his honesty, and him honouring how he felt and respecting me enough to tell me the truth. I’m his first serious relationship, first woman to say “I love you” to him, and he wanted to be 110% sure about his feelings, because when he says something or committs to it, he does it for life. He’s a deep thinker and doesn’t say something for the hell of it. Now almost two years down the track, we’re talking kids, engagement (he has the ring and we’re going to Europe in a couple of weeks!), marriage and buying a house. He knows he is in this for the long-haul and he knows I am as well.
My point is, girl you know who you’re dating. Only you can evaluate where things are up to, and how to approach these with him. I had a shitty breakup with my ex too – he was an alcoholic, who cheated on me and completely dessimated my self-worth, and self-respect in many ways. I felt broken for a long time afterwards. I too had counselling, and it helped. But, I knew my (now) man; I knew his character, I knew his heart, and I knew his morals and his values. I knew he is not onet to be rushed, but when he gets there, he is there for life. We had the “talks” on a couple of occasions, just to check in with each other and make sure we’re on the same page, and sometimes you might hear things that sucks at the time, but you either take it at face value and meet them half-way, or you make the deicison that it’s not where you want to be.
The talks can be hard, but dammit they’re necessary. I wish you all the best for the future <3
Post # 110
So dinner last night was really, really, REALLY amazing. I can honestly see why he waited to introduce me to everyone – his family is obviously VERY close and I was welcomed with open arms. Everyone specifically called me by name, asked me things based on information he had obviously already given them (he’s been talking about me!), and generally making me feel like I belonged. I got hugs when I left and was told to come back anytime, and was called “darling” by his mother (squeal!!).
Over dinner there were multiple references that led me to believe that his family, in no uncertain terms, expects marriage and kids. His sister said “If you get married…” (as she sits right across from me) and his mom made a few references to keepsakes that she has that she wants to pass on to her grandkids. I really felt that the way they were all talking to me, trying to make me feel included, laughing with me, implied that they wanted me to be a part of this very special and tight-knit group. I got to see all of his baby photos, hear all about what an academically superior kid he was, as his mom gushed about her “pride and joy” and he blushed with embarassment 😀 It was really and truly everything I could have ever hoped for.
SO – long story short – since my original post, dumping all of my fears out in one big word-vomit-fest, SO much progress has been made, and in an organic way where I’ve intimated my expectations and desires without laying out any sort of ultimatums. I really feel like the tone of our relationship has changed after this dinner, as it was not only an opportunity for me to meet everyone, but a holiday where his mother was being specifically celebrated and I was included. I felt really surrounded by familial love and respect and just really amazing energy. I feel like how we move forward now, specifically to this trip in June, will be impacted in a really positive way.
THANK YOU ALL for your support and encouragement!! To anyone else out there who’s anxious, I hope I can be an example that sometimes, it really will all be ok. 🙂
Post # 111
Glad to hear it. Having a slower or different pace isn’t necessarily a bad thing. At 8 months, my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I saw each other twice a week (with sleepovers), hadn’t said “I love you,” (that took 1 year and 2 months),had probably never or rarely spoke on the phone (and we were 38 and 39, so definitely not millenials), and had just become FB friends. However, I had no doubt that it was a serious relationship heading towards marriage.