Post # 1
I have posted on here before on my real screen name but I feel the need to go anonymous. I live with my boyfriend and have been with him for over a year. We have been friends for two years. My boyfriend is divorced, and his divorced was finalized while we were together. As I think about it, I think that we never had a solid ground to build off of as we always had drama going on from the situation with him and his ex. Since we have been living together, it has been good and bad. For example he has threatened to move out or said that he would leave (3x), but then when I told him that I would not stop him from leaving he got upset. He claimed he didn’t mean it when he said he would leave, yet I meant it when I said I wouldn’t hold him hostage, so that hurt him (wtf right?) However, the next day he is quick to tell me that he cannot wait to marry me and that he will be proposing soon. I told my mother half of what is/was going on and after beating it out of her, she admitted that he said that he would be proposing in the near feature.
Tuesday was the final straw. He got upset because he claimed that I insinuated that he and his ex girlfriend (not ex wife) were still involved. I have no problems with him being friends with the ex girlfriend. She is a very nice girl and I don’t think they are messing around. This led into a huge argument him asking me “Do you think we should just see other people? You act like that’s what you want.” as a way to get my attention and entice me into having a converstation about why he was pissed off. He is so effing sensitive. I am even starting to suspect that he may have boderline personality disorder. It also led to him demanding an apology from me. I refused and told him that I was not going to play into his game of bullshit trumped up charges. I know from what I have been told that he and his ex wife played the break up to make up game numerous times and that sometimes led to her flying across country to be with her family while one of them begged the other back.
We barely talked following the arugment, and yesterday when I came home from the gym I see dinner freshley prepared and he even took me out to get a glass of wine at our favorite sushi bar afterwards.
Things are still tense around us and I am so confused about my feelings. I love him and I want to work it out. But another part of me is so over the drama and really tired of trying to understand why he does things the way that he does. I used to be so happy before, but now I realize that I am not. How can someone be ready to purpose, but yet be so cruel in arguments and threaten leaving and/or suggesting that we should see other people.
I am so lost now because it feels inauthentic whereas I used to feel good about things and could see myself marrying him. He has told me previously that he cannot be sure if I would say yes when he purposes, and now I think that he may be correct. I would love to say yes if he is the man that I first knew him to be. But if I have to contemplate being with him and he is this argumentative, always threatens to leave, boo hoo I’m a victim… I know that our marriage will not last long. I can’t stop crying because it hurts to admit that I’m not happy.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2012 - Iowa
I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about how him threatening to leave or walk out is not okay. I think if you do really truly love each other and want to make it work than you can; but he has to try to change first – before you can marry this man.
I know my DH and I have had issues in the past but we were able to grow from them and learn from them. There was even a time when I thought it was going to end as well, but we moved past it and I love him dearly and am so glad to have him as my husband. The problems that were an issue then, are not now and haven’t been since.
Working past issues like this though does take work – so he and you need to commit to that and talk about it. He needs to know he can’t ‘throw away’ your relationship just because of an argument, and that he should not turn it around on you. You need to learn how to ‘fight’ the right way…
Post # 4
@imustconfess: doesn’t sound like you are right for each other and I would probably move on…I hate to say it but could you possible be a fall back from his wife? He may have needed someone while life was changing and you were there for him. He may hate the idea of being alone and is therefore unable to walk away. I think this reason explains his need to say he will leave and then choose to do otherwise.
If this is a relationship you want to save then I suggest communication, communication, communication! Your paths aren’t crossing and messages aren’t being recieved, something has go to give.
Post # 5
@imustconfess: I have felt like that before. It was awful. I decided I did not want to live the rest of my life feeling like that. Getting away was hard, because he would get angry whenever I suggested parting ways. Fortunately, we did not live together 🙁
Post # 6
He sounds very insecure. The threatening leaving and getting upset when you don’t stop him, classic sign of insecurity. It sounds like he needs to do some soul searching. Figure out why he is lacking in confidence.
Post # 7
@imustconfess: When a relationship becomes like this no matter how much you love him you need to put a fork in it…..it’s done. I’m finally in my 35th year of my life in a great, easy, trusting fantastic relationship with someone that is perfect for me. I kissed A LOT of FROGS. Any man that acts like this is not the man for you. It’s just that simple.
Post # 8
@imustconfess: aw im so sorry. It is not an easy thing to admit, it took me a long time in my previous relationship to realize it was never going to be what it was.
Your SO sounds very immature. Much like my ex except that he would suck me into the drama and bull shit, where as you are smart enough to realize what he is doing when he is trying to get your attention. They can be soooo loving and amazing, but they have a whole other side that craves “passion” and the problem is passion can easily be confused. They think when you have these huge fights and they storm out and you chase after them proclaiming your love is passion, but it is unhealthy.
I hope you find what makes you happy whether that is leaving or staying.
Post # 9
+1 to the idea of drama and passion being confused with love.
I honestly think the two of you need to completely shelve the proposal thing for a while. I can’t imagine that the added pressure of a ring and finalizing a date, dodging questions from excited relatives etc will in any way help your admittedly strained relationship.
If you are dedicated to staying then I’d suggest therapy and some honest communication. Tell him the threats need to stop immediately.
Good luck with everything. You seem like a strong independent mature woman who isn’t about to engage in childish games. 🙂
Post # 10
Honestly, if my SO threatened to leave me every time we got into a little spat I would never feel any sort of stability at all. I don’t think I’d ever be able to tell him anything, get upset around him, or share my feelings with him without him threatening to leave me. It’s time you have a serious talk with him because this isn’t how a relationship should work. That’s already failed him once, and it is about to again.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
It kind of sounds like he thrives off drama and that he thinks that big fights and reconsilations add up to a passionate relationship. Of course, this gets old quickly. It sounds to me that it’s really looking for some reassurance that you love him deeply, but it going about getting it all the wrong way. He obviously wanted you to be upset at the suggestion of him leaving or jealous that he hangs out with his ex.
Maybe some relationship counciling would help?
Post # 12
@imustconfess: It sounds as if he is addicted to drama. You obviously are not. There are going to be problems until he realizes that the drama drives you away (since he likes it, he probably has no understanding of how it makes you feel)
Post # 13
Thank you all so kindly for sharing your opinions with me. I am thinking about putting the whole proposal thing on the shelf, I just don’t know how to tell him. I want to have a talk with him, but I don’t know how to go about bringing up the situation. We have talked multiple times about being better communicators, but it’s like nothing changes at all. He hears what he wants to hear when you speak to him. This morning I asked him why he was leaving early for work and he looked at me and said, “What I can’t leave early for work?” He tried to make it seem like I was being suspicious and then he said, “you’re acting weird.”
When we had the last argument, you guys I found myself sitting in the car and not even wanting to go inside the house. I kept thinking, what the hell? why can’t I walk into my own apartment? I think accepting that I am no longer happy is a huge step for me, I was in denial for a very long time. I have even been thinking of telling him that I am not happy, but knowing this guy, it will lead to another row about how he trys his hardest and he bends over backwards for me every single day of his life and I don’t appreciate him. He is always the victim and it’s sickening. In the beginning (and this is my fault) I used to placate him and feed his ego and insecurities. Now that it annoys me, I just tell him off and let him sulk.
Maybe a break in our relationship will be what we need. I need him to not be around for a few days so that I can center myself and figure out what it is that I need to do. I don’t know if it is because I am hormonal or what, but it hurts so bad.
My mother told me that if I was to accept a proposal that I should do a year engagement.
Post # 14
I too believe he likes drama. The argument that we had the other day could have been settled Tuesday night if he would have spoke up. Yet he chose to be passive aggressive, leave the house for four hours on Wednesday with no mention of where he was going (we DO NOT do that), and then start an argument when he returned home that Wednesday evening. When he left I did not try to call him or track him down so I guess he had to get attention somehow.
Post # 15
Wow, real love is NOT this hard or this dramatic. Time to move on, I think.
Post # 16
I think you two are just very different. You want a stable, mature, mellow relationship and he needs drama so he can get attention, and test how much you love or want him. A break probably would do you some good.