(Closed) Relationship Frustrations (Arrgghhh) – Advice????

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
2840 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@lovemoore:  I can see the paragraphs. No worries. The bee has been weird like that lately.

He is a grown man and he can use an alarm clock. You are not responsible to make sure he gets up and is on time.  You even woke him twice.  He is being childish about that.

I also think it was childish of him to not get you anything for Christmas or Valentine’s day.  It seems like he is trying to punish you and blame everything on you. That is not okay. He is part of the relationship and needs to own up to his part of the problems you two are having.

Honestly, I think some time away from each other would be healthy. He’s getting rather hostile and that’s not okay.

Post # 5
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am not sure what to tell you (sorry), but your feelings need to be heard without you fearing that it will end in a huge fight, or that he will then put the blame on you for other, idiotic things like the dog(s) issues.

You did not really touch upon what part of the relationship conversation made him angry and defensive?! 

With that said, there is a good chance you are more anxious because you are feeling pretty vulnerable to make things ‘perfect’ and NOT fight with him, so that he proposes to you.  Which, would make sense, because those are his excuses for not doing it when he said he would.

Here is the thing, a proposal is not something that should or is decided minute to minute in any relationship.  One minute things are good, so yes, I will propose.  And then the next they are not, so no, I cannot.  It is a decision based upon a want and desire to be with that person thru the good times and bads.  His excuses are manipulative and poor.  It would leave any woman on a timeline feeling anxious and definitely insecure.

How can he call you inconsiderate when he could not even get you SOMEthing for Christmas?! 

In any relationship we must learn to fight fair…period. He sounds as if he is lacking in that department, whether it be immaturity or lack of consideration…:(

Post # 6
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

I honestly don’t understand what you are getting out of that relationship.  I can’t imagine staying in a relationship where name calling occurs (that is a huge no-no), and blame always has to be assigned.

I guess you could try not engaging him in fights–if he calls you a name, if he raises his voice, if he tries to assign blame, don’t respond in kind–and see if that changes the dynamic.  My Fiance and I have had 1 good fight, and his response was to just let me say my piece with my raised voice and get it out of my system, and to reach out to me in a loving way.  That really took away my steam–I was expecting him to get defensive and “fight” back, and when he didn’t, things settled down relatively quickly. I got stuff off my chest and let him know how I felt. He apologized and heard what I was saying and feeling, and we both learned from it and moved on, no damage done.

 

Post # 7
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would suggest some time away too. To show him that your serious and not his rag doll. I think he needs a little reminder of how good he has it with you 🙂 Best of luck!

Post # 8
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m not liking how he treats you 🙁  This is a red flag to me…..  

Post # 9
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I agree that maybe some time apart would be a good thing for both of you. Is there anyway you can stay with your parents or a friend for a few days? I think you both need to re-evaluate what you want.

If you guys decide you want to work things out, then it might be benefical for you guys to see a counselor. That way you can learn effective communication methods and that sort of thing.

Post # 10
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yeah, I would give him some space too. Sounds like you both need some breathing room. And you’re right here, he’s being childish. You’re not his mom, it’s not your job to wake him up for work. AND he can take care of the dogs…it won’t kill him.

Post # 12
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@lovemoore:  My bf and I have been together/living together about the same amt of times as you guys. And we have a similar problem with him blaming things on me. The difference though is that you guys seem to have some pretty heated yelling matches and we just don’t do that. So even when it happens it takes less time to cool down so maybe you could try that first of all.

Second, you have to tell him that him always blaming things on you is making you unhappy. Every time he blames something on you (even for something small like putting the ketchup in the wrong place in the fridge when you don’t even eat ketchup) you can remind him that he’s doing it. I always say “Stop blaming everything on me” really calm and over time he has drastically improved. He might not apologize (mine never does) and he might not see it your way at first, but over time he may realize how much it happens.

If you are telling him to his face it makes you unhappy/hurts your self esteem and he isn’t willing to work on it, I think you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it. I know I was ready to walk away until I noticed SO was really making an effort at it.

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

He sounds like he has a lot of excuses. He doesn’t sound like he is responsible for his own actions (not getting you gifts, being late, etc).

He doesn’t sound like a real winner. I’d exit the relationship. The things he is saying to are disrespectful and rude. People don’t talk to eachother like that in a loving relationship – even if they are upset.

Post # 16
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@lovemoore:  I totally hear you. This was me. I really hope he stops doing it. All I can tell you is to give him a chance to correct it (I’m so glad I did) but also respect yourself and know when he’s damaging you. And I’m NOT saying you are doing anything wrong, but it can only make you feel better to really pay attention to your actions. If you can be positive his complaints about the way you treat him aren’t validated (instead of thinking ‘hmm, maybe I do that’) then you will feel much more sane and you will know if/when he is trying to manipulate you.

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