(Closed) Relationship Frustrations (Arrgghhh) – Advice????

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Based on your updates I might suggest instead of taking time apart, maybe go on a date. Do something together that has nothing to do with weddings. Don’t bring up anything you have talked about. Treat it like a date you have when you are fist starting out. You said that you don’t spend a lot of time toghet on the weekends. You do errands and socialize with others while he just sits and plays video games. I think spending some stress free time together, maybe doing something active, might remind you why you are together or even help you decide if being with him is what you really want. 

Post # 37
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@lovemoore:  He should want to spend time with you. That is what a loving relationship is about. You should never have to beg him to spend time with you even if you just had a fight. I guess in this case I agree that you need to go stay somewhere else for a while to decide what you want. Stop thinking about your relationship and just starting thinking about yourself. Do what will make you happy instead of worrying how he might react. 

Post # 38
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

So sorry that your day has went down hill. I am with some of the other bees and I truly believe that there are a lot of red flags in this relationship.

 

It sounds like you have tried numerous times in a positive way to express what you are feeling. He seems to be the one that isn’t opening up.

 

With me and the Fiance are arguing, sometimes I write him an email or a letter telling him how I am feeling etc. This serves many purposes. One, I can get it out the way I want to say it “you never do..” “you, you, you” then, fix it the way it should be said “this is how I am feeling”, “Whenever I do this it seems that everytime you respond ___” and therefore, I am not blaming or sending accusations in my tone as I would if I were fighting with him face to face. Also, he can’t say I said something when we both can go back and look at exactly what i said. Also, my Fiance isn’t the best listener in all the world when he is mad (in fairness, who is?) and this gives him the opportunity to at least see my entire point and read it before he can respond.

 

Finally, I would suggest if you can to look into counseling. Even a pastor would help. Someone who can make the both of you sit down and talk it out.

 

Good luck. I can certainly understand your side of this and I wish you all the best!

Post # 39
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@lovemoore:  Hey there – I have a loooong-term boyfriend (now fiance) and I understand how relationships can go through phases where you get in the habit of treating each other like shit or jumping to the worst conclusion about each other.  Been there, done that, it sucked.  Here is my advice:

What worked for us is to have a serious heart-to-heart about what was wrong, what each of us were feeling, how we felt the other person was treating us unfairly, and also listening to the other perspective.  We both made a conscious effort to understand the other person’s emotions and perspective, and to change what we were doing that was perceived to be wrong/hurtful by the other.  It’s hard to do that, but it makes it easier if you know the other person is also working hard to improve their behavior.  And it really worked.  Those patterns are pretty much gone now and we are happier than even when we first fell in love 13 years ago.

I wonder, can you both vow to each other to do that also?  And if you don’t think you can work through it yourselves but do want to both commit to improving, then couples counseling?  If not, things are not just going to magically get better.  :/  Good luck!  xox

 

Post # 42
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lovemoore:  “I’m not so sure he really wants to spend time with me, and I’m not feeling the whole I want to beg to spend time with him.”

That makes me soooo sad to hear. Girl, I was going to suggest (as a PP did) to go out on a date with him, just him, and to spend time together. Nothing makes me feel 1,000% better about things (anything in my life really) quite like going out with just my husband. Knowing he likes it too is really what does it for me. I wish that you could do just that and make everything better.

Since you think that maybe won’t work, I agree with the heart-to-heart conversation that was suggested. He’s gotta be open to it, though, for it to go anywhere.

Post # 43
Member
6117 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Beware of man-children!  They do not grow up!  They like to make you feel you’re to blame for things that go wrong (hello, use an alarm clock?) and don’t take much responsibility for themselves.

 

I am just going to say – think about this one.

 

We have had, what I would imagine, is a fairly normal relationship with ups and downs. We’ve had really great periods, and then not so great periods, but overall a pretty normal relationship of getting to know and live with each other.

I always have to go hmmm when people say not so great periods and relatonship is classified with ups and downs. 

When you have talks with him – do you feel that you just aren’t saying it right and if you only knew how to say it right THEN he would finally get it?  But deep down you do think you’re saying it right?  It should not be hard to discuss your relationship with each other.

Post # 46
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

sorry, double post.

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