Relationship heart-ache. Desperate for advice

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Is it me or is OP gaslighting herself?

Bee, I get it….you don’t want to lose him.   This is just a symptom of your very low self esteem.  You don’t need couples counseling….you need individual therapy so you can find out why you’re selling yourself so short.

Post # 48
Member
1476 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

It’s so, SO hard to leave a relationship where you’re not being valued or respected but it’s so, SO necessary.  I also understand the heartbreak associated with having poured two years into trying to make something great with someone, and having them pretend like it all doesn’t matter.  

But if he can’t pull it together, then he doesn’t get you.  I don’t think he’s going to change, bee.  There is ZERO reason to stay with someone who won’t listen to your concerns and is acting in a way that makes you doubtful and depressed.  Having been in those situations before, my best advice is to tell him you’re done.  If he really cares, he’ll do something about it.

Post # 49
Member
1502 posts
Bumble bee

If you told someone this story irl, what do you think they would say?

This guy gets the gaslighting award. He even got you to gaslight yourself so he doesnt have to even bother hiding his affair. It’s all in plain sight. 

Wake up!

Post # 50
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

Wow, bee, please wake up! You don’t owe him ANYTHING! He owed you his integrity, loyalty and faithfulness and he didn’t give you any of them. He ABSOLUTELY would do this to you again , because you let him get away with it the first time! My ex cheated, we lived together (he had 2 children from his previous marriage that we had every other weekend) , AND he had me quit my position and come work for his company, and he held my face in his hands and said “would I let you help me raise my children and have you involved in my kids lives if I was cheating on you? Would I have you live here? Would I have had you quit your job and work for me if I was cheating??” Well the answer to all of those was YES, yes he would. He was cheating for a year. So YES, your guy WOULD do that to you, he IS doing that to you. You deserve better, please stop accepting scraps and get yourself better so that you can move on and find your perfect guy, don’t waste more years with him

Post # 51
Member
3889 posts
Honey bee

OP, you need to fish your self-esteem out of the gutter where you left it. Throw the blinders in the trash. Now get real, this drinks and sleepover is bullshit. (And seriously, people who are into fitness do not get too wasted to drive on a regular basis. They’re very particular about what they put in their bodies). You mention that you “owe this relationship” more blah blah blah. False. Not only false, but stupid.

You teach people how to treat you and right now you’re saying it’s ok to pull the wool over your eyes and lie his ass off to you. 

Post # 52
Member
14913 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

So guys point of view: I read this to my husband… when I got to going out for drinks serveral nights a weeks, he said “whoa, that’s kinda disrespectful” and then when I got to and then stays over at her place he said “they have got to be banging.  that’s not normal”

Post # 53
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Honey. He is not just cheating on you, he is in a full on relationship with this woman.

Post # 54
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

From someone who’s cheated on more boyfriends than I care to admit (admittedly, before by FH), I can say with almost certainty that I would be incredibly surprised if they weren’t together. I do guarantee that he’s being 100% emotionally unfaithful to you. 

I also understand thinking your man is honest. I have full faith that my fiance would never cheat on me, but if I was shown the signs that you are, I would be forced to believe it. 

Post # 55
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

sunburn :  I also agree that people who take their fitness don’t drink, and meticulously monitor their food intake. That’s not wine & tapas at your girlfriend’s house. If you’re in training, especially for a race or competition, there’s no alcohol.

Post # 56
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

Oh bee I’m sorry about all of this, I really don’t like to get into another people businesses but you asked for advice (I still feel weird, I’m kind of new to this site) so I think you should demand an explanation, ask for his phone, if he doesn’t want to show it to you, you’ll then know what’s going on. 

I don’t know another woman who wants to make male friends at the gym, the only explanation I see in wanting to look for a guy at the gym is to look for a boyfriend because if they are working out then they should be healthy guys that don’t go out and drink, etc etc. I definitely didn’t made male friends at the gym before my fiancé and I were boyfriend and girlfriend (or now) because I don’t want anyone to be looking at me when I work out. That’s super creepy for ME. 

And I also read this to my fiancé and he says that’s not normal and he is definitely cheating. He said that he doesn’t even want to look another women anywhere and also that’s disrespectful to them and to me and he can’t imagine telling me that he is going to a girl’s apartment for drinks, that’s just nuts. I’m not against him having girl friends but he doesn’t want to have them and he thinks the only girl friends he should have are his old friends from school. Him making girl friends and me making boy friends at this age is weird and the only ones we have are couples. Also you don’t want to play with fire.

(sorry for my English, is not my first language)

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