(Closed) Relationship hurt by waiting?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@GamerGirl:  I did, but I’m finally over that hump. Things that helped: becoming busy with work, creating and maintaining my friendships, starting a weekly “date night” with SO, and eventually getting more information on a proposal timeline and ring budget.

The last part is what really helped. SO and I have been through so much, and it made me feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I discovered that it was the light that I really needed right now.

Post # 4
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

I just recently broke off my relationship due to the “waiting game”  However, I blame myself.  I stayed with him for 5 years and didnt have “the talk” with him until we had been together for 5 years.  I should’ve asked sooner because I would’ve known sooner that he had no intention on marrying anyone.  If your SO cant even have the conversation with you, then it may be time to tell him no future, no relationship.  I feel like sometimes we stay with them in hopes that they will change their minds and see what amazing people we are, but it doesnt always work out.  You should at least be able to have the discussion, and if he is too fearful to even do that, maybe it’s time to show him you mean business

Post # 5
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

@GamerGirl:  In your other posts you talk about him proposing by a date in August? Is that no longer the case?

If it is you just have to power through these next couple months and then you’ll finally be able to move onto the next chapter of your life together.

If the ‘Bee is contributing to your frustration then maybe a bit of a break would be a good idea?

No other advice per say but I do hope the time flies by and you get your proposal!

Post # 6
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@GamerGirl:  I felt that way for several months, we have a house together, 2 dogs, stable careers, and we’re in our early 30’s.  I thought that once we bought our house over 2 years ago that we would get engaged, but for the first year and a bit I kept getting we’re still adjusting to living together.  What helped was finally sitting down and having a talk about where the relationship was headed.  I needed confirmation that we both wanted the same thing, marriage and kids.  He said that after we bought the house he felt a huge amount of pressure to propose from everyone around us and it made him second guess our future because he felt the decision to get married wasn’t ours but was coming from everyone around us.  Now that everyone has backed off the marriage talk, I started focusing more on myself, my career, spending time with friends, meeting new friends, exercising etc. he’s finally at the point to propose and bought the ring a couple months ago.

What got me through all this was reminding myself why I’m in the relationship in the first place.  I love him and want to build a future with him.  Sitting down and having a serious conversation about our future and our shared goals really helped to calm me down and know that we both wanted the same thing, me a little sooner but he just needed sometime to get there.  I started the conversation by saying it wasn’t about pressure or a timeline but confirmation that we had the same wants in life, he was actually the one that brought up when he he saw everything happening.  It’s gone a little slower than the timeline that he’s given me but I’m just happy to be with him.

Post # 7
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

((hugs))

 

I think your feelings are totally normal. I go in waves of feeling like you are right now, to feeling apathetic, to feeling at peace, to feeling hopeful/excited It’s a terrible rollercoaster of emotions and I geniunely hope that I (and the rest of us!) come out of it on the other side without any bitterness or resentment. I’m not really sure what the answer is other than trying to focus on other things. 

Post # 8
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

@GonnaBeAFind:  +1

He said that after we bought the house he felt a huge amount of pressure to propose from everyone around us and it made him second guess our future because he felt the decision to get married wasn’t ours but was coming from everyone around us.


My SO and I had the same conversation about 6 months ago. It seemed like us getting married was something that everyone else wanted, it was expected at that point in our relationship, and he wanted it to be on our terms. Since then, I’ve stopped bringing it up, and let him be the one that talks about it and it’s made such a difference. Having that initial “feeling pressured” conversation really helped us in getting on the same page and knowing that marriage was something that we wanted…even if it was what everyone else wanted for us too. I know it’s coming very soon, so I’m just enjoying our relationship in “the now” rather than obsessing over when it will happen.

@GamerGirl:  Hang in there…waiting sucks, but if you’re in an otherwise good relationship, don’t let not being engaged bring you down. When I realized that I was really getting miserable, I turned that into putting more effort into our relationship. Doing little things– reminding him why I was the person that he wants to spend the rest of his life with 🙂

Post # 9
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@GamerGirl:  You can’t have your whole life and happiness tied to one person, or one event. If you have a great relationship, like you say, and are happy with your SO, than that is what is important and what you need to focus on.

Being miserable and passive aggressively destroying your relationship is a ticket to never getting a proposal. Showing him rather than telling him is the best way to demonstrate to a man that you’re wife material. Who wants to marry someone they had to force into it anyway?

It’s not like it’s another item to check off the to do list – marriage is a big deal and the decision cant be rushed or taken lightly. Keep busying living your own life, enjoying life with your SO, and let nature take its course!

Post # 10
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Yeah, I think it can ruin a relationship. If one person wants one thing and the other wants something else, I’d say the relationship is in trouble

Post # 11
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yes, I experienced that for almost a year and a half.  When we got engaged, everything was fine again.

Post # 12
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yes, I did feel like that, still feel like that. So we had an epic fight last night, and I thought I ruined everything. Then I realized I’m sick of walking on eggshells and this idea that talking about a future together is “putting pressure on it”. His best friend (he is dating my friend, so for some reason she told him how I was feeling) even came to me and told me to be patient and pretty much to shut up until my SO decides when it was going to happen. I told him that if  my SO had talked marriage and asked me six months ago (like I did) and that I was still undecided and saying that I’ll tell him when I made up my mind and that I want him to shut up in the meantime, well he (the friend) would have come to me and tell me to stop toying with his friend and if I loved him, to make up my mind already. He was a bit shocked, but I think he couldn’t deny it. So I decided now that I want to take that off the table, it’s been too far, my SO has to stop thinking about what others want (he told me he had to make a big proposal and respect all kinds of traditions, which are not mine by the way, couldn’t care less about all that). So I came to the conclusion that now I want to wait. I want to figure all that out and I want BOTH of us to be in the loop, not him steering the whole thing while I’m wondering if he even forgot about it! That concerns me too! 

Good luck with your waiting, I hope you don’t get to the point I just got. In a way, I am happy to take a little control back on myself and my hapiness, even if it means delaying the engagement. If he agrees to do it together or at least keep me in the loop, there will be an engagement. If not, well, we’ll see… But I’m not having our lives run by other people’s expectations like that! I wanted to get married in the first place so no one else could control our lives!

Post # 13
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Reading other posts on the Bee by girls who have been waiting for a long time and are miserable because of it always makes me sad. 

Guys do things on their own time and it doesn’t seem to mesh with our own timelines, usually. 

It sucks and I always feel for the girl in that situation. On one hand, I’m like “Seriously, why is the guy torturing her like this? Just propose already!” And on the other hand, I can understand the guy’s viewpoint, that he has to be ready for it and do it his way. 

I hope I never get to that point of waiting miserably. But to those girls that are, I wish you the best of luck and I hope that your SO proposes soon! 

Post # 14
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It can only ruin the relationship if you let it. You have to think about your dealbreakers. Do you believe he is in this for life, with or without marriage? Can you love him and spend your life with him without marriage? If you do some soul-searching and can come up with yes to both those questions, then you can make the choice to stay. Choosing is empowering. Don’t stay because he might change his mind and propose one day; stay because you want to be with him no matter what. Every man is different and every woman is different. If it’s a deal breaker, then go and find someone who is on the same page as you. 

Post # 15
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

We had some pretty emotional talks and arguments due to my emotions on waiting, but all along he had other stuff going on which I knew about that he had to take care of first (finances) before he could get on with things.  When we got engaged, all that resentment and “when is he going to do it??” stopped and I felt myself again and closer to him than ever. Hang in there…

Post # 16
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

@GamerGirl:  I definitely feel my relationship suffers. My SO is the only man I could ever picture being with and he is my best friend. We do everything together…but he hasn’t proposed and he acts like a child when the topic is brought up. Seeing as how we have been together for over 4 years now, I feel it is time to move forward and I know that he feels that way deep down, too. He has been really struggling with proper communication in our relationship and I have felt a lot of resentment because I feel insulted and humiliated and I want to have more control/input/open communication. I think waiting inherently makes us resentful because we are the ones who are being emotionally neglected in a way and have to play this stupid “keep your desires quiet and don’t bring it up while you wait around” game. I hope that when the proposal finally comes that I will not feel as resentful… I want him to love me as much as I love him…and actually SHOW it and not act like it is all a game. 

I think I finally got through to him this past weekend, though, and he is making minor improvements on his communication skills. Hopefully it lasts haha.

Your miserable feelings will probably go away when the excitement of the engagement sets in (hopefully sooner rather than later). 🙂

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