Post # 1
Hello All, this is my first post here on weddingbee. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years and 5 months since we were 15. Now at 23, he is in the NYPD and I am a receptionist/ medical assistant and we are living on our own. HWe’ve decided on an engagement prior to december 31st 2012 and a wedding sometime in 2014.
The problem is he’s been acting distant lately and i’m not sure if it is job stress or him trying to back out of the relationship. First off, I caught him on the couch at 2 am watching porn. we both agreed we do not do that unless we are together. another night, i woke up to him standing over me in bed trying to have sex with me claiming hethought i was awake. (we have sex 1-2x per week due to opposite schedules). also, he has friended his ex on facebook(he would NOT be happy if i did this) and lastly, he waited until the last day possible to put down the down payment on my ring to keep the intrest rate at 0%. (i refused to wear the ring knowing we could not afford a 29% interest rate.
as you can tell december is fast approaching and the ring is purchased but not on my finger…Am i over reacting? does it seem like he is not taking this seriuosly? advice would be AMAZING.
Post # 3
He waited until the last day possible to put down the down payment on my ring to keep the intrest rate at 0%
Lots of people pay things at the last minute. I wouldn’t draw conclusions from that.
The sex stuff I’m not really sure how to interpret. I just hope he isn’t forcing himself on you. If you’re not available/interested, I don’t really see the problem with him taking care of things himself (by that I don’t mean cheating, I mean him doing things alone).
Post # 4
Uhhh, I wouldn’t read too much into the ring payment…that’s just typical money stuff…sexually men can be pretty strange at times, and I know you guys had the agreement about porn viewing…maybe take some time out to have a fun “movie night” with him? I would imagine it’s all stress and things changing, it never hurts to check in, but remember, life isn’t all about dull things and responsibilities…have some fun together, it’s going to be ok!
Post # 5
i really appreciate you taking the time to comment! i think im confusing his job stress and taking it personally
Post # 6
Talk to him about it. My man recentely had a sexual outburst so to speak, we don’t live together so we don’t get to have it that often. Like nona99 said, they can be strange.
Post # 7
@berrixblonde: I would be FAR less worried about the ring than the fact that he is attempting to have sex with you while your sleeping?!
Post # 8
“another night, i woke up to him standing over me in bed trying to have sex with me claiming hethought i was awake.”
what? idk how he could “think you were awake” if you were sleeping.
Post # 9
I don’t think the porn is a big deal if you really do work opposite schedules. Guys like porn. I still pay wedding things off at the last possible moment and we’re definitely going through with it, so I wouldn’t read into that. I’m friends with exes on FB – not the ones with bad breakups or who still carry a flame, but there are still a handful on there.
But I would be freaked the F out if Fiance ever tried to have sex with me when I wasn’t awake. There’s no gray area there. That’s super creepy. Is he on any sleep medicine? Is he drinking when he gets home? I can’t imagine a guy just randomly decides to start forcing himself on his Fiance without something else going on.
Post # 10
Yikes, the trying to have sex with you while you were asleep sounds like a potential big problem. Talk to him and let him know that that’s not OK with you– you get to control your own body, and that includes determining when you have sex! (Very important! Plus there are extremely strict laws concerning sexual consent in many places now.) Of course, maybe you were talking to him in your sleep or something and he really didn’t know that you were sleeping! Sometimes when my SO comes to bed late and I’m asleep, he tells me the next AM that I was talking to him and cuddling for a few minutes, when I have absolutely no memory of doing so.
The porn at 2 am only sounds bad in light of the fact that you guys have an agreement to not watch porn except when you are together. Men can be weird about watching/looking at porn, but breaking your agreement about it is not respectful. Address this with your SO, as well, as the way you’ve presented this situation makes it sound to me like he’s been doing things that break the trust between you two.
The ring money thing is probably not a big deal. I’m a last-minute bill-payer myself.
I’d suggest having a serious conversation about sexual/trust boundaries and make sure your SO knows exactly what’s OK and what isn’t with you. It’s possible that stress has something to do with his behavior (I imagine the distant-ness is likely job and coming engagement stress), and possibly simple misunderstanding, but make sure he is aware of what you expect from a respectful and trustworthy partner, and is willing/able to follow up on that knowledge.
Post # 11
@li612: i woke up and said there was no way he thought i was sleeping. hes a COP after all. deff not a stupid person
Post # 12
@MidwestBride2012: no sleep medicine, no drinking, drugs etc. he claimed i was responding to him. the only thing i can think of is that his sleep schedule is different than mine and that is when he is horniest but that’s no excuse to be weird and scare me while im asleep
Post # 13
Did you talk to him about standing over you the next morning? Sometimes my fiancee does strange things in his sleep and doesn’t remember it the next day. He once woke me up because he was singing and I had a whole conversation with him right then but the next day he didn’t remember a thing!
What gets me is that he hasn’t proposed, even though the ring has been purchased. Do you have an anniversary or special date coming up? Maybe a Christmas present? My fiancee had the ring for less than 12 hours before he proposed. We were both really sick and he dragged us off the couch and out to our special place even though we could both barely move. He just couldn’t hold it back any longer. Hope it works out for you!