Relationship issue

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10554 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

She has 65,000 dollars in student loan debt and works part time at a makeup counter? What degree was the 65,000 for?! What is she doing with it?

I would be really hesitant to move in with her. It sounds like she just wants you to fund her life.

Post # 4
Member
6974 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I mean…what’s her long-term plan for a career/finances? My guess is she’s making minimum wage or possibly a little more? How is she affording things right now? Does she still live with her parents or what?

Post # 6
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

Doesn’t seem fair to me personally. I have about 40k in student loans and so does Fiance. So that’s 80k combined. However, we are both in total agreement that we are to both work FULL TIME and pay off our debt. It def would not fly with me if Fiance decided he only wanted to work part time and stick me with the rent. 

Post # 7
Member
1060 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

At this point she has her own money and her own debt.  You’re not engaged or married.  Tell her how much she’d have to contribute and leave it at that.  If she’s financially irresponsible you’re not going to change that, but you shouldn’t sign your name with hers either.  So anything you rent together make sure you could afford it by yourself.

If her financial issues don’t change then you may have to rethink your relationship, but at this point I don’t think it’s your business as long as she’s paying her bills and you’re not planning on making your relationship permanent. 

Post # 8
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

What @supernurse and @mikaylaauel said

i just don’t think it’s fair that she doesn’t have that same mindset as you. It’s HER debt. She should be doing the most to pay it off. Not you. And yes you’re right, that goal of being a homeowner will be even further away without her helping out. Not to be rude but she needs to grow up and learn that she’s accumulated 65k in debt that eventually has to be paid off, and her grown ass has to make more money and the financial stability does not all depend on her man. She can most definitely still work 25hrs at the Mac counter, AND have another job/make up gigs. She can contribute more IMO.

Post # 9
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

What’s she doing with the rest of her week?

Post # 11
Hostess
9020 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

View original reply
Marcel1 :  You are not in the wrong, I think you are being very reasonable. As someone who bank rolled an ex so he could follow his dream all it ended up being was me being hospitalised due to working 2 jobs myself and being absolutely skint when we broke up. She needs to stand on her own two feet and get a full time job and maybe even a part time job as well as a full time job!

Post # 12
Member
651 posts
Busy bee

She just needs to work full time. Me and my SO agreed before I sold my home and moved in, that before getting engaged/married, I could tackle all my school loans ASAP which meant no paying bills on my end (except car, food, insurance etc). So I am paying $26k off in ~1.5 years. That was us both working full time before and after the relationship began and me on my feet. I put most if not all my income into my loans and keep my SO updated on how much I have paid and is left, because I feel like he deserves to know I am not dicking around with this and wasting his time and money.

She needs (or should have already) to step up and create an action plan for herself. She should be working with you.

Post # 13
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Honestly, you’re being more than reasonable and accommodating. It’s appalling that she seems to have no interest in paying down her debt. There’s no way she will get on top of it working 25 h per week, even if you’re paying the shared costs of living (which I 100% don’t recommend you do). 

This would definitely be a deal breaker for me (I graduated with a doctorate and about $100k in debt). What happens to your relationship if you get sick or hurt and cannot provide? Or worse, laid off or have to relocate? It’s definitely worth having those tough conversations now, even if it means that she gets upset. It sounds as though she has been enabled to have this life style, which honestly doesn’t do either of you any good. If she loves make up, that can be her hobby and she needs a full time job. Lots of people don’t love what they do, but they are financially responsible and understand that they need to work to generate the income.

Lastly, how would her debt reflect on you for credit check and shared large expenses? Maybe schedule an appointment for both of you with a financial advisor. If I were you I would be focusing on your own savings and having your girlfriend pay 50% of expenses to learn financial responsibility…. plus paying off her own debt. Then offer a more generous solution to help her, but only if you see she’s actually working on it herself first (or you are just continuing to enable her).

Post # 15
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You and she are not on the same page when it comes to finances.  She obviously doesn’t appreciate that you’re willing to foot most of the bills if she brings up her own finances.  Its clear that you should not mingle finances and until you can come up with a plan you both can agree to then maybe moving in together is not a good idea.  You have every right to protect yourself in this situation but you also can’t dictate another’s financial responsibility.  They have to be adult enough to do that on their own.

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