Relationship issue

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Marcel1 :  Right. But if she’s not ambitous enough in the first place to figure this out? There are resources everywhere. She is, in fact, surrounded by them. They are called your clients. If she can’t bulid a good client base, they have no reason to refer her (called word of mouth). 

I know plenty of 20 something young women and men who work in the beauty biz, they get by working full time in hair salons, working part time in retail and make up stores. They don’t make excuses and they pay their rent on time, go on vacations, get married, have cars. 

It honestly sounds to me like your gf isn’t willing to put the work required into an equally responsibly partnership. 

 It’s okay to push someone to be better and be their advocate, but it’s not OK if you’re the driving force because then you’re like a babysitter, not a boyfriend. 

Good luck to you!

Post # 48
Member
713 posts
Busy bee

I also want to add that it is very likely the amount is OVER 65k now. I don’t know what her interest rates are but I accumulated 2k in interest in 4 years. Plus, if she only pays the miminum payment or has been paying only the minimum payment she’s not actually making any sort of dent in the principle, she’s just paying the interest. It’s very likely she’ll end up paying 90k for her 65k loan if she doesn’t make large payments on it. 

Post # 49
Member
6789 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Marcel1 :  The more you type the more you two don’t seem very compatible. 

Post # 51
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Marcel1 :  Exactly the issue. it will be YOUR responsibility to shoulder the majority of paying for said family, filling up the retirement fund, and ensuring you have a strong financial future while she pulls in a few bucks. 

If you are ok with that, go for it. I just know my husband wouldn’t be thrilled if he was sacrificing his time, energy, and money while I didn’t really care to help or have interest in supporting him. Sure, he looks past my occasional shopping trips to Sak’s when he thinks I don’t really NEED a new handbag (but of COURSE I do! lol)…but he knows we have the same end goals for our life.

You both need to really be on the same page, whatever that is. Otherwise you are looking for a lifetime of resentment. And not saying she needs to come to your side. can you look at it as though you can pull in most of the money while she takes care of the kids? Can she work more to pay off the debt then put some more into retirement or a house savings?

Basically, you 2 are on two different financial trains, and you need to come together.

Post # 53
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have a fine arts degree in oil painting. She is living a fantasy life if she thinks she can just freelance as a career- it is insanely difficult and you have to work very very hard. I know very few art graduates who support themselves via their art. She can start by making more art and trying to get a following on instagram and selling prints of her work.

Post # 54
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee

Well, then maybe you two aren’t compatible long-term.  Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you are meant to be with that someone long-term.  You seem to value work ethic and financial stability.  She appears to not share those values and somehow expects a full-time freelance career is just going to magically fall in her lap.  

Speaking as someone trying to break into a freelance situation while working full-time 40-50+ hours in a traditional work setting (and until recently also in school full-time) as well as someone with numerous artist friends who eventually found a way to quit their day jobs and make money off their art – jewelry, clothing design, theater, photography…they work longer and harder hours than a traditional 9-5 to make that happen.  It involves juggling projects constantly, maintaining a portfolio, hitting the streets and networking, and just plain old hustle to pull in even a fraction of the income and benefits a traditional job will give.  My friends who are doing this full-time as their sole income are putting in 60-70 hours a week minimum and most were putting in at least 30-40 hours on top of the 40 at their day job until they were making enough money at their art to quit the day job. And the first couple years after quitting were tough and financially rocky.  So unless you are seeing her put in that kind of drive and hustle into this art thing or taking a more realistic approach of getting herself a full-time job and pursuing the art as a hobby…then you need to ask yourself if you are okay with a lifetime of lackluster drive, vague plans, and having to be the adult in the relationship.  

And it is okay to be okay with that, but you need to be realistic about the fact that that is how it will be and you aren’t going to be able to change her.  It is also okay to not be okay with that and find someone who shares the same values and goals as you.

Post # 55
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Marcel1 :  Don’t move in with her. You two aren’t even in the same book. 

 

I was in a similar boat as you, only my husband was motivated to pay his debt down. We took Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University when we were dating. We started that January 2015. Got engaged January 2016. Married summer of 2017. We didn’t combine finances until after we were married, but we were living together. During that time period my husband paid down most of the $100k of student loan/car/credit card debt. We both saved and cash flowed our wedding. And then I had some to put towards his debt after we were married. We finished it all by December 2017. 

 

We accomplished a lot together during that time period, ate a lot of cheap food and bonded in our tiny attic apartment. Your situation can be positive, but it won’t be if she’s not on board. We had to come up with our why. Why do we want to be out of debt? We didn’t want the burden, we wanted a house, kids and to retire early. 

 

You need to get her on the same page. Do not move in with her unless that happens. 

 

ETA: no idea why my font is huge 😶

Post # 56
Member
5071 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

anthonyswife :  Not to derail this thread but I am really intrigued and excited to see that you and your husband successfully paid off a large amount of debt through Dave Ramsey’s teachings/methods.  While I have not applied them in real life I did take a college course in Financial Life Coaching last year which was solely based on Dave Ramsey’s book The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness.

I agree, OP and his girlfriend are not on the same page and from what has been shared, the future does not look promising.  Girlfriend isn’t even concerned with paying down her debt, instead she is prepared to live with it.  She is settling and OP will settle if he chooses a future with her, UNLESS she does a 360 and changes her mindset.  OP is looking for an equal partner and as it stands his girlfriend isn’t even a contributing partner.  She will continue to take, he will continue to give and resentment and hardship will follow.  Sure, go a head and add children to that mix.

Post # 57
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

j9marie :  it’s all about that budget! EveryDollar really upped our game when they launched that. 

Post # 58
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

j9marie :  also, that’s not including what we cashflowed for our wedding. We went all out there. Worth every penny. 

Post # 59
Member
5071 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

anthonyswife :  That’s awesome and really great to hear!  I can’t wait to tell my husband later of your story.  We share different views regarding finances but since taking the course I have caught him more than once watching some of Ramsey’s videos on youtube.

Post # 60
Member
1457 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Marcel1 :  ahhh so she is using the repayment assistance plan and purposely limiting her hours so she earning only a small amount so she doesn’t need to make real payments?!?!?

How can she not care about the future? A home for the children she’d like to have? Retirement? Not only should she be tackling her debt, she should obviously be saving for retirement too since there’s no pension for a 25 h per week cosmetic counter job…

sorry im still appalled. You defend her a great deal, so I think you’re a good guy… but she needs to learn she needs to go up and it’s time to be an adult and take over her own financial responsibility.

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