(Closed) relationship make it or break it time..

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow.  While I don’t know the intricacies of your relationship, I kind of cringed a little while reading your post. I mean, it just doesn’t sound like he’s emotionally ‘there’…present.  And this is only after dating for 1 1/2 years.  You know, I’ve made some VERY bad choices in my 20s with who I dated and now being 37, I could kick myself for wasting all of that time with those people when I know I would’ve been happier with just myself. 

I would flat out tell him you both need to have a talk about what you both want out of your relationship and where you see it going.  And if you come to the realization that you’re not, I would seriously think about parting ways.

Post # 4
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

That he doesn’t know if I’m the one he wants all that with and I should be happy with the fact that we live together.

 

That’s a big red flag there. He doesn’t know if he wants all that with you? That would freak me out. I know you don’t want it now so that’s not the issue but you DO want it with him when the time is right. He should be on the same page or be inching towards the same page. I’d be incredibly hurt if a guy I had such feelings for told me the same words.

Post # 5
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree with bRooklynRocks…he’s not sure if you’re the one he wants all that with? what?! you’ve been together a year and a half, you’ve lived together all this time, and he isn’t sure? He sounds like he’s old enough to settle down, I mean you said he is set in his career and owns a house etc, so it’s not like he’s some 20 yr old who wants to live it up and explore his options right?

I hate to say this, and I know not everything is black and white, but if a boyfriend was acting this way towards me I’d probably say “well adios then. call me when you’re ready, but I can’t guarantee you I’ll be available or interested.” maybe some time apart can show him what he’d be missing out on.

Post # 6
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ohhh I’ve been there!  Sometimes just staying where you are because its comfortable and the easiest is the nice thing to do.  It’s wrong.  Him being with you because he thinks you should be grateful for the living arrangement is not fair to you or him.  That does not sound like a super healthy relationship at this point.  I’ve been in your situation and it sounds like he’s trying to get you to break up with him.  Ignoring your questions, being evasive, not hinting at a future.  That way he has no blame and since you want a future with a husband and family he can get out without hurting you.  If you dump him it’s your fault.  That is the cheap way out.

Find out where he wants to go and what you each have as goals for your relationship.  Make a smart healthy choice for you.

Post # 7
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I would have a big problem with the fact that he’s not sure he wants that with you, but an even bigger one with the part where he tells you you should be happy to be living together…
Why should he get to tell you how to feel? Why should you be happy just living together and not thinking about the future? Because he’s so incredibly awesome that every second spent with him is a blessing, so you should consider yourself lucky for what you have and not plan a future with him?

I’m sorry, this just rubs me the wrong way. He is not listening to you, shutting you out and basically enjoying all the bonuses of being married without having to commit. Not fair to you at all.

Post # 8
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

It looks like break it time.

Post # 9
Member
33 posts
Newbee

I say don’t necessarily break up with him, but move out.  It is very vulnerable for you and a lot of pressure for him to be living together under his roof.  If you move out, regain your own life and independence some, and take the relationship back a couple of notches, he’ll either start sending you flowers again or not.  If he does, you’re back on track and where you want to be.  If he doesn’t, you’re in a much better position to move on than you are right now.  Just my thoughts….

By the way, I know it sucks.  Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

you know, there are great men out there who will love you unconditionally and will actually WANT to marry you and have kids with you – not tell you that you should be happy to be living with him.

A year and a half is enough time to know how you feel about each other and he should be including you in his plans for the future and wanting to do things together with you. If he is refusing, well he himself is giving you the answer.

I think you need to concentrate on yourself and making you happy. Perhaps it is time to start looking at moving out?

Post # 12
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

All guys hate the words ” We need to talk” but you seriously need to talk to him and he needs to listen. Hear what he says, hopefully he sees you in his life in his future and talks about plans for your relationship growing; if not consider moving out and taking things slow. Good Luck. By The Way you are not crazy

Post # 13
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

i agree that you need to talk and figure out if you guys want the same things for your future or not

Post # 14
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like deep down you know the answer.  How much of your life are you willing to put on hold waiting for him to change – which may very well not happen. You sound like you have your head together and you know what your goals in life are.  Time to cut your losses and move on.  There is a great guy out there who wants the same things you do but you won’t find him unless you leave your b/f.  At the very least, would you consider moving out and taking a break from the realtionship?

Post # 15
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

It sounds as though you’ve given him ample time to show you what he wants out of life, and life with you- without pressure of ultimatums or timelines. Even a shy guy would have a time to say he wants kids and a life with you. There’s a saying that a woman is ready for a family when she meets the right person, and a guy is ready when he finds the right time. It sounds like he’s not ready to include anyone in his future talk, and while I think counseling might be a good forum to bring up some of your issues, it doesn’t sound like he’s doing much to keep you around. If you go to couseling, there’s an unbiased third party to communicate with, and should hopefully get him talking. Until then, I’d work on moving out and learning to thrive on your own again (because every relationship needs some alone time).

Post # 16
Member
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

That he doesn’t know if I’m the one he wants all that with and I should be happy with the fact that we live together. 

I agree that that is a HUGE red flag. Fiance and I moved in together after dating for 2 months. He didn’t propose until a year later. I was ready a little sooner and he wasn’t. However, he never doubted that I was the one he wanted to marry. He always made that clear. He just wasn’t quite ready.

I think it’s very telling that he feels you should be happy just living together and that he doesn’t know if you’re the one he wants everything with. At his age, with all the time you’ve been living together he should know. Maybe not be ready to be engaged/get married but he should know if you’re “the one” or not. If I were you, I would move out and figure out what he really wants while making sure you’re taking care of yourself and doing what’s best for you.

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