Post # 32
Jeez. Most people would call his behavior “crazy.”
The best thing would have been for you to not have met him in the first place, but you couldn’t have known, and there’s no sense in thinking about bygones. But I do think you got the second-best thing. Can you imagine if you’d actually married this guy?
He seems like someone who will always want what he doesn’t have. I think if she is ever divorced and he wears her down enough to give him a chance, it will be like Scarlett O’Hara with Ashley Wilkes.
Post # 33
I’m so sorry about all this. It takes a special kind of asshole not to analyze his feelings sooner and not waste your time for 3 years. I can’t imagine how this must feel, and I know it will be hard to stop loving him, but try to remember that he is NOT who you thought. Take your feelings back and reserve them for someone else. You will find and be with someone 100000000 times better!
Post # 34
+1 To dodging a bullet
OP I’m sorry this is your first post too–But we are here for you!! You were absolutely right that you did seem like a runner up and trust me—you will be the STAR in some man’s life, the only #1, and I’m sorry that you are dealing with this!!!!!
Hang in there and stay strong!! Type it out!!!
Post # 35
I wouldn’t be worried about going over to the house. It wouldn’t cross my mind that he’d have the potential for violence. I’d be potentially ready to divert any attempts of his to “play nice.” Get your stuff and get out of there, but be cordial. If he even wants to try to talk it out, just tell him that as much as you still love him, you need time to think about things and that you’ll talk eventually. At least then, you get to buy yourself some time.
Post # 36
Thanks. Someone else mentioned him being drunk, and if I said he was drunk I am sorry. He just said he’d been drinking, I don’t know if he was drunk or not. In my mind he was, but to be fair, he just said he’d been drinking, but with that said, I don’t think he should have been driving period.
Post # 37
*hugs* I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation. My ex completely blindsided me and told me he was not over his ex wife even though he explained to me time and time again why he left her and why they didn’t work out. He said he was “torn” between us. Even though he was to blame, I wanted to rip her throat out. So I told him to go &*%( himself and pick her and never to contact me again. I was not about to play second fiddle to some other gal. And neither should you. Cut your losses and move on. He will realize one day what he missed out on because he was too busy living in the past and fantasizing about what could have been. And when that day comes, girlfriend, you will have moved on and you can confidently tell him to kiss your butt!
Post # 38
I am glad you said that, because here I was starting to feel guilty. Ugh I hate being an emotional wreck.
I like that analogy. I kind of wish I knew A, I feel like this might be easier if I did. Who knows though, it might make things worse. I really do mean it when I say that I hope A and her husband have a happy life together.
I am looking forward to the day when I am someone’s A.
Thank you. I really felt bad about being a lurker and then just coming in and dropping this bomb, but I am so glad that I knew so much about this community because it made it a lot easier to type it out.
Well he said he wouldn’t be there, so I hope he stays true to his word. If he is, I will try your suggestions, though I really don’t think I want to talk to him. He’s hurt me too many times for any apology to mean anything other than empty words.
Post # 39
@Melibear: I’m so sorry for your pain. Take care of yourself – it seems you are able to see the larger picture and I wish you strength during the healing process.
You deserve someone far better, who appreciates you and holds you above all others. He didn’t, and if it hadn’t been A there would have been someone else you were second best to. You are well rid of him.
Your head will win out, in time. *big hugs*
Post # 40
@Melibear: If she’d just told him in high school that she didn’t actually love him then he wouldn’t have been obsessed.
Or that may have propelled him to want her more. You will never know, and you know what? That is ok. Even if he siad he loved you, would you settle for being second best? Or when you have an arguement being compared to another woman who doesn’t give two shits about this guy?
Instead of being mad at her, you should be more upset with him. It isn’t her fault for leading him on (well it kind of is) but more so his fault for being so immature to hang on to someone he never had. If that is how he wants to go through life–alone–then let him.
You will find someone that puts you first and love you and has learned to let go of people. You will truly find someone invested in you and your relationship.
Post # 41
Thank you, big hugs back!
Oh I know, I was only speaking from a place of hurt. It’s not fair to her, but at the same time, it is really hard not to project my feelings on to someone I don’t know. It’s not her fault at all, I just had to get everything off my chest.
Thank you all for being so kind and supportive during this time. I am going to take a little break and spend some time with my mom. She wants me to get out and go shopping. We’re going to get stuff to make my favorite meal. I’m glad that I am so surrounded with love (in real life and here). I feel a lot better already. Being able to talk about it and know that people actually care about you is something that I think some people might not appreciate until they are in need.
Again thank you! ((hugs to all))
Post # 42
I’m so sorry to hear all that you’ve went through. Other bees are right that you definitely dodged a bullet.
Be aware that he may come crawling back to you in the future, saying he screwed up, how sorry he is, that he really did love you and what was he thinking… It wouldn’t be the first time a situation like that happened.
Be prepared for that, and know that you will stand your ground and not fall for it, because you are STRONG and you are a woman DESERVING 1st place in a man’s life! Shame on him.
Post # 43
Have fun shopping and getting some girl time in with your mom. I wasn’t torn up after my breakup with my ex, but it helps to be surrounded by people who love and support you. Good luck.
Post # 44
I am in a very, very similar situation except in my case I am “A”. I am sorry you are going thorugh this kind of hurt, I bet A would feel terrible if she ever hears about this. But at the end of the day this is all in your ex’s head and he has put her on a pedestal that she herself does not want to be on.
*hugs* Time does heal all pain and you will find someone who sees you as his one true love.
Post # 45
Hugs to you too and feel better!
This hive is a helpful bunch, don’t be surprised if you check in later and there is more advice
Post # 46
YES +1000. The ex definitely sounds delusional and frankly kind of creepy stalkerish. I really hope he leaves this other woman alone and doesn’t escalate his obsession with her.