Post # 1
I was referred to this site to maybe get some insight. Here goes.
So, my sister was married to a guy we will call Lance three years ago. They divorced because my sister was unfaithful; Lance was a wonderful husband to her and she basically treated him like shit. They divorced and then right after Lance and I formed a stronger friendship than the one we had when they were married. We were strictly platonic for the first few months and then one night we ended up kissing which ultimately ended up with us in bed. I came clean to my sister the next day and she told me she did not care “at all” (her words). Fast forward to three years later and my sister is just now voicing concerns about our relationship. Even though we have been in a serious relationship for almost three years, have been living together for one year my sister is just NOW saying she feels uncomfortable with us dating. I asked her repeatedly in the beginning if she was ok with it, it was always “I don’t care at all”. I think what it is, is now my sister is single again and jealous that I am happy. Lance has brought up the subject of marriage and my sister has said that she will not come to my wedding if that is the case and will hold a serious grudge against any family member that does show up. Her and Lance have a 5 year old son together who him and I raise full-time (and have since he was a toddler), as my sister is more concerned with partying than motherhood and now she is saying I am trying to ‘take over as his Mom’ which is beyond false. I have lost count of how many times she has promised to take him to the movies, park, out to eat etc and has either made up an excuse to not go or has just not shown up, period. She has never gone to a school-play of his, or anything of that nature. She is only concerned with getting enough Facebook and Instagram pictures of the two of them so it looks like she is involved. His son (we will call Brandon) knows that I am not his mom, but I love him just the same. Brandon has never once called me “Mom”. My sister has point-blank told Lance and I both that she does not enjoy motherhood and regrets having Brandon. She suggested to me just recently that if I dump Lance, she will sign over custody of Brandon to me. Obviously Brandon has no idea about any of this drama, but it is causing real stress on mine and Lance’s relationship. I am almost considering just dumping him (even though I love him very much) so I can raise Brandon in peace. Lance has told me that if we broke up, he would still share custody of Brandon with me because it is so clear my sister wants very little to do with their son. This is all over the place, but any advice is appreciated.
Post # 2
Wait wut? You are with your sister’s ex husband? Ok, odd enough if true (and certainly not saying it’s right buts what is done is done)… but if you are happy with your ex BIL/boyfriend, why disrupt your son/nephew’s life even more just due to your sister? Surely you know that with an involved dad in the picture, your sister can’t just sign over all rights to you.
If you and Lance are happy, then cut your sister out, and raise Brandon in piece that way. Let Brandon have somewhat of a relationship with his mom to keep ties, but otherwise just go on your merry way without the sister. She certainly isn’t putting you first, why put her and HER desires first in YOUR life? Maybe you and Lance need to get married, then have her formally grant full custody to the two of you
Post # 3
thumbtack09 : I’m going to assume that there is a custody arrangement that was entered with the court as a result of the divorce. If so, does she actually follow it and take her residential time with her son? Or does she regularly and consistently not show? If so, Lance needs to lawyer up and try to get custody changed based on her abandonment/disinterest in her child.
You should both only communicate with her in writing (text, email) so you have proof of all of the things she says about not wanting to be a mom, etc. I’d refuse to communicate with her via other methods from now on.
Frankly, I say if you guys want to get married then go ahead and get married. Then, take her to court for primary custody (it’s unlikely you’ll ever get “full” custody. That just doesn’t exist without her having severe substance issues/violence issues etc.) but generally, she sounds like she’s bluffing. If you guys get married, what’s she gonna do? Go to court for primary custody of a kid she doesn’t want? And if there’s no custody arrangements on paper in the first place, there needs to be ASAP. If you’re raising him, then you need to petition the court for custody. Without that, you have zero rights.
Post # 4
I’m sure she was fine at the start because she figured it wouldn’t last. You’re with her ex husband. You chose this, you live with the consequences 🤷🏻♀️
Let her do her thing, and you continue on with your life. I wouldn’t end the relationship because of her, what if she doesn’t even follow through, signing away her rights, after you end the relationship
Post # 5
thumbtack09 : This is very strange. Would Lance prefer you have custody over your sister? If so, what would stop you and he from colluding by pretending to break up, having your sister sign over her rights, and then getting back together? Also, regardless, I would let Lance know about this.
Post # 6
WHUT?!! You realize that marrying your ex-BIL is going to be of no benefit to Brandon at all right? Continue to be there/raise Brandon and find a partner who isn’t one degree of separation from all this.
Post # 7
So, if you and Lance have kids… Brandon will have half siblings/cousins…
Yeah, you had to have known things were going to get messy if you decided to date your ex bil. You guys/Lance need to get the formal paperwork and custody of Brandon in place.
Post # 8
This is definitely an unusual arrangement but I do not think you need to end your relationship with Lance (if it’s healthy and positive) just because your sister has now decided she has a problem with the situation. It may be worth the effort for all of you to go to counseling together (or at least for you and your sister and then you and Lance to go to counseling together)- all of you are a strange but solidly connected family. You need to reach a place of peace for yourself and for the 5 year old that doesn’t get a choice in all of this.
If your sister is someone who is perpetually dissatisfied or disruptive, nothing you do is going to make her happy longterm and it makes even less sense for you to break up with Lance because your sister has demanded it. The least reliable or stable person does not get to dictate to the people picking up her slack what they do in their lives. She does get to be heard but once you’ve heard her out, you aren’t obligated to do anything. “I’ve heard what you said and I’ll take it into consideration.” and then you need to think about yourself and “Brandon” and “Lance” and choose the option that best suits the most people.
Also- stop waiting for your sister to give her approval and stop needing it. Get comfortable with her having an opinion that contradicts your choices and do your life.
Post # 9
The situation isn’t ideal but you guys are together and have been so that’s done. Do not break up with him for your sister. You’d be crazy to think she’d ever sign custody over to you, especially if she’s so bitter and resentful of your relationship. She is just saying whatever she thinks might break you guys up.
Continue to live your lives and move towards marriage if that is what you both want. She has no idea what she needs to be happy right now, so don’t let her take your happiness away just because she’s can’t find hers. She is selfish, irresponsible, and is only looking to make you as unhappy as she is.
Post # 10
Keep doing what you are doing. Accept your relationship with your sister will never be normal or really great. Just try to let lance be the one who deals with communicating with her about their child and stay out of that. Pull back from your relationship with her and try to just live your life and continue to be a good aunt to her son.
Post # 11
I don’t agree with marrying your sisters ex husband in any capacity, I don’t care what the situation is there’s millions of others guys out there other than a siblings ex SPOUSE. And with a child involved, you were inviting drama into your life in some form one way or the other. But here you are years later very much in that role so why change it now? What would that accomplish?
Post # 12
I simply cannot imagine how you thought it would be acceptable to be with your sister’s ex-husband in any capacity – especially when there was a child involved. That’s all sorts of dysfunctional, and only invites issues for the child, too. Other people might not say anything to your face, but don’t bet on them not saying anything in “private”. It is their children who will hear those things and then bring them to school, and Brandon will bear the brunt of that judgement and be faced with all sorts of questions he cannot answer.
Let the legal system figure out the child’s custody because anything the two of you “agree” to means nothing in the eyes of the law unless it is documented by attorneys and signed with a notary or handed down by a court.
Post # 13
There are seven billion people in this world, and you chose to be with your sister’s ex-husband?
Post # 14
Besides the obvious banjos playing stepmom/aunt thing…and possible future brother/cousins… yikes… your sister can’t “sign over” her son to you when there’s an active father in the picture. That’s not how it works. So get any thought of that out of your head.
Post # 15
Didn’t make it past the first “paragraph”. Good luck on this site girl.