- Katie Koekblik
- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2004
Hi, I need to vent/need guidance/just need to bounce this off other females.
My best friend is going through a very difficult time. In short, her MIL died after a very long battle with cancer. MIL & FIL lives with BFF and her husband. So, she was very closely involved with taking care of MIL on a day-to-day basis. She is a stay-at-home mother, having given up her job after she and her husband agreed that it will be more beneficial for the kids (2) is she is at home. Her husband is a great guy – very outgoing, social, likes to party. She is more grounded and they compliment each other well. However, since his mother’s health took a turn for the worst (January 2014) and after her subsequent death (end of January 2014) he has been a bit of a mess. Emotional at times, going out – staying out late, coming home (drunk) the next morning. My friend has tried to be supportive, but she is hurting as well and, now, two weeks ago he tells her he is unhappy, bored with his life, he feels like she is holding him back and he wants his freedom. She really loves him and understands he is going through a difficult time, so they go for counseling and everything is going well until Tuesday this week when he just packs a suitcase and leaves – telling her he is going (not saying where). so she is hurting, the kids are confused, he turns up the next evening, not saying anything… he is skipping work and night before last she sends me a message after 1h30am telling me that he sneaked out of the house again at 22h30 when he thought she was asleep and he is not home, is not answering his phone, not responding to messages. So, she is in a state and decides to take the kids to go to her mother (because she is really emotional, everything is falling apart). since then her phone has been off.
i tried phoning her, phone off, no luck. next i try phoning him, his phone also off and he didn’t pitch at work. so, I become concerned that he maybe did something to himself (because he has really not been himself lately. I mean, he is usually such a NICE guy and all of this is so out of character for him. and I think to myself that with his mother’s illness and death, he is maybe a bit depressed and confused and now he is questioning everything (life, his relationships) and maybe he should just go to a doctor to check him out etc. so, I finally go to their home and he is there and he drops the following bombshell – after I expressed relief that he is okay (after not being at work, phone being off – after disappearing the previous night) – he tells me – he is not attracted to his wife, he doesn’t care for her. he wants to leave her, because he has met someone else. they have been together for a month and she “gets” him.
So I ended up telling him that he should talk to his wife, because his behaviour is not fair and that there is no space in a marriage (healthy or troubled) for a third person. and, that he should make a decision either way, because he can’t have it both ways – go out partying with a girlfriend, while leaving your wife at home alone to worry. eventually he agreed to go to the doctor, after saying he is confused and nothing makes sense anymore. I then offered to take him this morning – because, really – all of this is SO out of character. and, when I pitch at their home this morning at the agreed time to collect him for the Dr’s appointment…. he is not home, he spent the night elsewhere.
Now, ultimately this is none of my business, but I really don’t want to hurt my friend by telling her that her husband is seeing another woman. I want to support her, but ultimately, if they stay together I don’t want to be the person who “tried to make trouble”… but, I also don’t want her finding out I know and then resenting me afterwards.
Before I found out the truth about what he has been up to, she and I did talk at length and I told her that, above all else, she deserves to be happy and to be respected and loved… and if she is not getting that from her husband and he continues drawing away from her… she should do what is best for her in the long run.
I just feel I CAN”T tell her, but also at the same time I feel asif I CAN’T NOT tell her. I don’t want her to hurt more. He of course also made me promise that I wouldn’t tell her, but I think he is secretly hoping that I WILL tell her, so that he doesn’t have to do the dirty work… because he knows that we share everything. I am just so SO conflicted. I feel like I could stab him or just slap him until he bleeds.
This is just so wrong on so many levels. I don’t even really think he realises what he is giving up… he somehow thinks that his life will be “better” if he is with the other woman (who is a couple of years older, divorced, with kids in their early twenties).
I could throw about round about now.