Post # 1
DH has one older brother. He’s not particular close to him, but has maintained a distant relationship through his mom. DH’s brother is married and has 2 kids. His brother and his family didn’t attend our wedding due to religious reasons (they are Jehovah’s Witnesses). This really hurt DH, but I know he isn’t holding a grudge. The hurtful thing is they told him at the very last minute (after we were scrambling for RSVP’s). I had always wondered if they would attend – but they never said anything in our 14 month engagement.
I received an email from DH’s SIL a couple months after the wedding asking if we were angry with them and apologizing for not attending and that she hoped we understood. I sent her a very nice reply, simply stating that DH was disappointed they couldn’t be there but there were no hard feelings, etc.
I didn’t hear back from her until recently. She said she was going through old emails and came accross mine. She said she’d like to get togehter with me (and her 3-year old daughter) for lunch. No mention of everyone getting together (which I thought was kind of odd).
I was getting ready to email her a bunch of dates that were options so we could plan something… and I mentioned the email to DH and he pretty much told me not to bother getting together with her.
I feel like I’m at a total crossroads. I know that DH nor his brother will take it upon themselves to forge a relationship. And I feel like DH’s SIL is at least trying. DH thinks she’s a big flake and it’s not worth my time.
My question to the hive is: do you think I should just let DH make this decision and not repsond to his SIL’s email? On one hand I feel he knows the situation best, as he has the relationship with her and not me. I think he’s also feeling slighted by his brother (since I think he views it as his brother picking the church over family).
OR do you think I should push the conversation with DH and tell him I really want to meet up with her and her daughter for lunch? I think if I broached it that way, he’d be on board… but, I wonder if I’m just opening up a can of worms.
Post # 3
I think if you want to meet up with her for lunch then you should. Just because DH doesn’t have a significant relationship with his brother and SIL doesn’t mean you can’t unless DH has a valid reason. I think you have the right to determine for yourself if she’s flaky.
Also – I realized recently that I don’t have to have the same relationship with my in laws as my husband does. My husband is ok with going long periods of time without speaking but I like something more than that. For example, his neice moved away and I’ve been taking his queue so we haven’t spoken to her in months but after talking to him about it I realized I can call her myself if I want to! And then you know what? The day that I set up the skype date he rushed home from work so he could be on the call as well.
ETA: In my situation though DH just doesn’t think about it. But I also don’t try to force him to have any more relationship then he wants to have.
Post # 4
I think you should meet up with her if you want to.
Post # 5
What have you got to loose? It’s just lunch. And in the process you could be gaining a whole new relationship with some family members. I say go. Your DH is just hurt.
Post # 6
@oracle: There is nothing wrong with Lunch, I say see what she has to say
Post # 7
Tell him you would like to meet them for lunch. If he is not ok with it at all then I would find out why. Obviously I wouldn’t go behind his back, but maybe he thinks you expect him to attend as well. Make sure he knows it would be a ladies luncheon.
Post # 8
I agree with this. You can’t know if you want a relationship with her if you don’t meet with her.
Post # 9
Generally I think each partner should decide how to deal with their side of the family, but I think getting to know your SIL might be a good idea. I wouldn’t try to hide it in any way from your DH though, and definitely let him know beforehand.
Post # 10
Meet up… but let your DH know you want to ahead of time so there are no surprises. Yes, he may not like her but I’d give her a chance if it seemed she wanted to get to know you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.