Relationship with my MIL – Insecure DIL Spinoff

posted 2 weeks ago in Family
Post # 18
Member
4298 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@villanelle:  When I was growing up, my parents were super close with their in-laws. My mom always says that my dad’s mom was like her best friend. When my now husband and I started dating, I sort of expected to have that same relationship. I put in 100% of the effort with his family. Birthday gifts, calls, attending events, attending events WITHOUT DH if he was working, talking to his mom, etc. In the end, they still treated me like crap. It was a waste of time. Now, I have no relationship with them and I am NOT losing sleep/crying over it. Mother-In-Law prefers my SIL? Okay, cool. I prefer the Starbucks barista over my Mother-In-Law. 

Now, we see in-laws at holidays and I have zero relationship with them. I am perfectly content with that.

Post # 19
Member
678 posts
Busy bee

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@MrsMeowton:  I wouldn’t even see her at holidays.  Send your husband to spend time with her on the holiday and do something more satisfying for you.  Go see your own family, or just lounge around at home.

Post # 20
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I think some boundaries and distance are actually desirable. With the exception of my stepdaughter, who I genuinely love, I don’t want to join a whole new family; I’m fine just getting along with my husband’s relatives.

My ILs and I are friendly, but not friends. They are very nice people, but there’s a language barrier there. We can chat about our days, but we can’t have deep conversations. And it seems for the most part that all we have in common is we all love my husband.

I’m 100% fine with this, since I’ve seen the Mother-In-Law thing blow up in a bad way for my brother. When he met his wife, my mother REALLY wanted to welcome her as a new daughter. She insisted on giving the girl her car (she didn’t want it; my mother pretty much forced it on her), calling her every night and made a point of telling me “I love her as much as I love you.” Naturally, this was unsustainable. SIL tried to establish boundaries, mom pushed against them, SIL pushed back harder, etc. Then SIL had a mental health crisis (not caused by my mother, though she certainly didn’t help) and things were said that can never be unsaid. My mother doesn’t speak to SIL at all now, and barely speaks to my brother, who was very much her favorite child and pride and joy. She has no relationship with her grandsons. It’s sad for everyone involved.

If a loving relationship develops organically, that’s a great thing. But if you’re find with distance and civility, then that’s a perfectly healthy MIL/DIL dynamic. Don’t borrow trouble by worrying about future regrets. At least you’ll never have to regret getting too enmeshed with each other.

 

 

Post # 21
Member
3037 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I may be in the minority but I think this is a great Mother-In-Law / DIL relationship compared to the horror shows out there. You may have minimal contact with each other but the interactions are respectful. That means your Mother-In-Law is not intruding into your life, disregarding boundaries, manipulating etc. Be grateful for that. I can share horror stories about my in laws… so if you want a closer connection with her and more contact (and since you admit that you’re an extrovert), just reach out to her and express your genuine desire to get to know her more. If not, carry on with business as usual. 

Post # 22
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

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@mrsssb: 

Don’t want to high jack OPs post but I am genuinely curious about this. When it comes to inlaws do you feel it’s acceptable for your Mother-In-Law to tell your husband if you did so.ething that upset her and vice versa? I’ve always heard that you should go through your spouse first if there is a problem. 

Post # 23
Member
10009 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

She’s probably closer to the other SIL because of the grandchildren. I know we see both sets of our parents far more than our siblings do, and it’s not because they want to see us lol…it’s because they want to see our kids.

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