- 5 years ago
Hello my fellow bees,
I am in a need of an advice regarding parents in law…I am not sure whether my expectations are just set way too high or i am just not as lucky with the in-laws area as some other bees…I really cannot help it, but I feel a large feeling of disappointment when it comes to my parents in law..
Perhaps my idea of what relationships with in-laws should be like VS the reality of how it is in the real life is skewed in some way, so i would love to hear from others and their experience !
My husband and i just recently got married and planned an amazing destination wedding. Throughout the wedding planning, his parents did not help at all. I am not even talking about the money… Granted i had a lot of things under the control and knew what our vision was. etc, but it would have meant the world to me if they would at least expressed some interest throughout the process, reach out to me or asked some questions /offered help along the way.
We have paid for every single thing ourselves and they basically just came there. They don’t have much money so i was not expecting for any financial assistance anyway. Both my husband and I have great jobs and were lucky to have the ability to pay for everything ourselves. I was not looking for financial help, i was really craving attention or emotional support and etc, but my Mother-In-Law was just not there…They live in a different state than we do, so i knew she could not come to things like dress shopping and etc, but does that mean that you cannot have a long distance relationship of some sort? It’s not like she expressed any interest in the process or asked me for pictures, etc… Unless I reach out to her myself about something specifically she would not do so herself.. In this day and age, things like Skype, text, Facetime, etc. do exist and its REALLY easy to stay in touch if you WANT to.
A month or two before the actual wedding my Father-In-Law called me and basically apologized for them being so absent from the entire process and etc and said they will try to do better in the future. It really made my day to hear that, but of course that did not last… That was probably the last time i had him reach out to me…
Its been 6 months since the wedding and the only time we talk is when my husband and I reach out to them (for a skype chat, etc- like every other month maybe). They live in a different state, so we don’t see them unless its a holiday , etc . My relationship with my Mother-In-Law is her hitting “like” button on my FB posts and occasionally commenting on that.. that is pretty much it … My Father-In-Law is just absent altogether…
I really thought that once we get married they would want to have a relationship with their new DIL and future mother of their grandchildren, but it is just not this way at all.. Dont get me wrong, they are always very nice to me, never talk bad about me, but that’s pretty much it. I feel like they would be this way to a stranger (just polite and nice) , but is it really what relationship with in laws is all about? Them just being nice to you and not talking crap behind your back?
They always say how much they “love” me and “care “ about me… But to me, it feels like words ONLY because their actions or should I say lack of actions suggest otherwise. If you care about someone or love them , you SHOW it. I dotn care how busy you are , you make the time. Its really the matter of priorities. Personally if this was me, I don’t care if someone lives far, if I care about them, I would make the time to grow a relationship if it is important to me.
Maybe i should consider myself lucky… I know that some in-laws are terrible and disrespect their DIL or SIL and are way over the top and annoying, but i really feel like mine are just absent… I really would love to have a better relationship and feel good when i have to refer to them “as my family” but every time i have to say that out loud, i almost choke b/c i truly feel likethey do not act the way that makes me want to refer to them as FAMILY, due to them being so removed and not putting any effort into our relationship…
I also do feel pretty bitter about their complete and total absence from any planning or anything that had to do with our wedding too. I feel truly hurt by that.
I wanted to hear how your relationships are with your MIL/FIL and if you have any advise for me in this situation.
I don’t know if I should just give up and not care or else….