"Relationships are hard work"

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4007 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I agree with you. There are definitely days when it requires effort on both of our parts to see the other’s point of view in certain situations because we both can be stubborn, but we have been together for almost 10 years (married almost 4) and I don’t think it has ever been hard work. If you have to force something, then that’s probably a sign it isn’t meant to be. 

Post # 3
Member
10540 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. It hasn’t been hard work yet.

We’ve dealt with hard things but our relationship has been the thing that makes those hard things easier. He’s my partner who carries half the load so I’m not as weighted down. Being with him has always felt natural, easy, and right. 

Post # 4
Member
7706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I agree completely. Usually if things are “difficult” or “tense” between us, it is because one of us is going through something stressful at work, and it usually only takes a silly argument beginning for one of us to realize that it is all about US and not the other person. In other words, there are times when anyone speaking to me about anything is annoying because I’m on edge due to something completely unrelated. We then usually discuss the stressful situation with each other and feel better, both about the situation and about each other. 

In my mind, if a relationship is “hard work”, then you’re with the wrong person. Prior to dating Dh, I’d always felt “butterflies” about the person I was dating. It wasn’t until I met Dh that I realized that those “butterflies” were actually anxiety in the pit of my stomach over not being able to trust someone or wondering what they were thinking. With Dh, I didn’t have to wonder because he was open, honest and trustworthy, and it felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I’d never before realized that a relationship could make a person feel happy and good instead of insecure or wildly “up” or down.

Post # 5
Member
4501 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Been together about 10 years, married 8, would never say it is hard work. My other long term relationships prior? Now they were hard freaking work yell

Post # 6
Member
4793 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
sboom :  totally agree. My relationship is the easiest part of my life. It has never been hard work and its my happy place that I take refuge and support during those periods when life decides its fun to pelt you with  rotten eggs.

I still believe that we keep being given that message that its not true love unless you can overcome an obstacle.The fairy tales we read ro our kids are all about being rescued or overcoming a barrier to love. A lot of movies based on relationships have an obstacle to finding happiness. The popular Harlequin romances follow the formula too (rescue the damsel in distress, fix the broken man who can’t commit, overcome a misunderstanding or obstacle together, then ride off into the sunset together) We keep being reinforced by literature that any relationship worth having has to have an element of hard work. If it doesn’t then its not passionate or right. The only reason literature pushes this story is because a book/movie/fairytale would be boring as heck to read if everyone just got along and it was all smooth sailing. A lot of people don’t know how to separate fact from fiction. A relationship shouldn’t be hard work despite what we’ve been led to believe our whole lives….

Post # 7
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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sboom :  DH and I have been together for 7 years and it has never felt like hard work BUT we don’t have children yet.

In my experience, people who say relationships are hard work usually have small children, or multiples under 5, and/or have limited family help.  From observing friends and family, even the most stable relationships can struggle when the children come along.  You have to start carving out time specifically for you as a couple, less/no sex or other forms of intimacy(sometimes), dealing with financial strain, sleep deprivation, parenting skills, tonnes more laundry, childcare etc etc. 

Post # 8
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee

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sboom :  “no matter how tired I am, sharing my home with him is the easiest thing I do. It takes absolutely no effort for me to want to see him when I get home or to want to crawl into bed with him.”

That’s a nice sentiment, Bee. 🙂

Post # 9
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I used to believe this, too. My last relationship left me feeling like I was a difficult person to be with and live with, that being with me took incredible amounts of patience and work. When I met my fiancé, that is what I told him, just to make sure he was up for the challenge. Turns out that our relationship DOES need some effort and care but it isn’t hard work at all. Sure, there’s the need to communicate and compromise but it’s loving and easy.

Post # 10
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee

After almost 30 years, which have included serious illness, death, a child with mental health issues, job loss & money worries….I would say that it’s been the hardest work I’ve done. 

Not because I don’t love my husband & get along with him. But because when you are truly hit with the most stressful things from ‘outside’ of the marriage, you constantly need to re-adjust & remember you are on the same team. No matter how much you love each other, it’s hard work.

My husband & I always remember that we are both committed to making this work & we do. 

But there have been times when it’s hard work. 

Post # 11
Member
4348 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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Hereforthecake :  this.

weve been together for 10 years, married for almost 2 and it can be hard work mostly because of outside situations impacting our relationship.

We’ve gone through some insanely stressful times since we’ve been together, my Father-In-Law was very sick for 7 months befor he passed in April. I’ve been in an intense grad program while working full time having to take care of my in laws dog who is not well behaved. My SIL was no help at all and I’ve built up a ton of resentment because of it. My sister and mother both have severe mental illness and were close to death many times over the last few years.

Things have been especially difficult since my Father-In-Law died. He was my DHs best friend and I was very close to him as well. We are just kind of lost and trying to navigate things together but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard work. It is. But we are not giving up. We have a solid foundation and friendship above all else and that definitely helps. 

Just because it’s hard work doesn’t mean he’s not the one for me. I know he is. We have difficulty separating outside stresses from our relationship since it directly impacts our lives. Idk I wish I had the answers but I don’t. 

Post # 12
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s naive to think a lifetime together with a partner is never going to be hard work.  Especially to think this before even being married to said partner.  A lifetime together will likely throw much more than bad moods at a relationship.  Job losses, illness, death of parents and possibly extended care for them, complicated family issues, children, child illness, infidelity, money problems or ongoing disagreements, etc.  

I have never understood how people can’t comprehend that a marriage can be hard work when they are still standing at the bottom of the hill of marriage.  I find it to be a short sighted outlook.  None of us know all that is coming down the pike for us, or the people closest to us.  A lot can happen.  And yeah, it can definitely put a strain on marriage, making it hard work at times.     

Post # 13
Member
1991 posts
Buzzing bee

So, I get annoyed when I hear people say that if it’s ever hard to be married, then you married the wrong person. DH and I have definitely have (and will have more) points in life where it is hard. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be married. 

Not every marriage goes through the same things- things like death, mental illness, infertility, miscarriage, career issues, health issues, etc. For us, there have been periods that are more than just “oh this sucks”. We’ve gone through intensely hard issues and we didn’t always see eye to eye at first. Working through and compromising on HUGE issues that you never thought you’d be dealing with makes it hard to just love unconditionally and be happy to be together. Sometimes we don’t like each other and to me that is perfectly fine because we know that even when we don’t like each other, we love each other and we are committed to being together forever. Sometimes it has taken us time to be able to compromise and work through things. Again, I don’t think that means we weren’t meant to be together or shouldn’t be together. 

Post # 14
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Every relationship whether it’s a friendship, a family connection, or a romantic relationship takes work. If you don’t put in any effort to stay connected and keep the relationship open and healthy even though you’re busy or far away or what have you, the relationship will start to fail. Why would marriage be any different?

I think a lot of people think that good relationships shouldn’t be work because they have this romantic notion that the right person will make everything effortless. But that only lasts as long as your relationship doesn’t face any outside pressures. As soon as you hit problems like financial struggles, or illness, or family drama, or long distance, or just the day to day struggles of having a  busy family your relationship will require work or it will fail. That’s when you start to see couples divorce because all of a sudden what used to be an easy relationship now takes work and they’ve been told good relationships should be effortless. I think the key is finding a partner that you want to work with and who wants to put in the effort with you.

 

Post # 15
Member
9065 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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sboom :  I think it’s hard work but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth while work. My husband and I balance each other in a lot of ways, but our opposing features sometimes make finding that middle ground difficult. My husband is smart, funny, handsome, caring, and just super fun to be with 99% of the time. But he’s also messy, and sometimes a little lazy, and I get frustrated sharing space with someone who doesn’t have the same living standards as I do because I end up doing more housework. I know he would also say he finds it frustrating to live with me sometimes. We love each other very deeply, but we also challenge each other to see our own faults and adjust to be better partners. I think it would be very boring to live with someone exactly like myself. 

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