Post # 1
Has anyone had relationships where your man has ALMOST all of the right qualities to spend your life with them but a few missing things that are important to you in a husband? I’m so confused right now! My recent ex Fiance was affectionate, loyal, made me laugh, I looked forward to seeing him when I got home even after 6 years, attracted to each other, hard worker, would hug me when I was upset, look after me if I was sick, spontaneously take me out for dinner, buy me occasional gifts, run a bath for me, fix things for me. On the other hand he was often arrogant, would question the way I did things yet tell me he is just trying to make it easier for me, be critical about my friends, wasn’t ready to get married for a long time (he is now 40)! Even after getting engaged (5yrs into the relationship) he realised he wasn’t ready to get married. He never admitted to this when I questioned him at the time, only recently did he say “I guess I wasn’t ready”. It’s so hard to end a relationship when they have a LOT of the qualities that are important to you but also lack other important characteristics and when they tell you they are now ready to get married and want to make you their wife. I’m 34 and so worried that maybe we could have worked on his shit things and that I was overly critical (I know you have to accept some things). I just don’t understand how someone can be so loving yet so arrogant at the same time!! I am a determined person and find it hard to let go of things (always think where there is a will there is a way). I am so worried about my future and will I meet someone more compatible that has ALL of the qualities I want, especially the important ones! Have you experienced something similar?
Thanks for reading 🙂
Post # 3
For me it’s like… when you find the right fit, stop looking, haha. Then you don’t have to worry about that. I think it’s so important to know what your big dealbreakery things are and be able to compromise a little on other things if someone makes you really happy overall.
Post # 4
Dan Savage says all the time that people don’t find the “1” they find the 0.7 or the 0.8 and round them up to 1. People aren’t perfect and in every relationship there are challenges. For example I *should* be asleep right now but my SO is snoring loudly right next to me! 😉
The question for you is is your Ex-FI a 0.8? Are you okay with a 0.8? Basically you have to take a serious look at his flaws and the work it would take to fix the relationship and decide if being with him is what truly makes you happy.
Post # 5
Thanks. I agree nobody is perfect. It’s annoying when most of the qualities are there but the others that aren’t make me dislike him. Some things just can’t be worked on. I’m just hoping I will meet someone soon who has all the qualities & wants the same as me WITH me! I got so sick of working so hard to try to get married to someone who is so apathetic!
Post # 6
My ex was like that. I could have married him and been happy, but I’d also have moments where I’d be completely miserable. And then I met my now husband and he was everything I’d wanted. I’m glad I didn’t settle for mostly good. My husband has some qualities that drive me crazy at times, but nothing horrible. He never makes me feel like I settled. I feel like I’ve married a real person, but a person who truly loves everything about me. We both make mistakes, but we work hard to learn about each other and support each other for who we are and not put each other down.
Post # 7
I fit in this boat because my ex-FI was a wonderful guy (we broke up last week). Really nice, supportive, worked while I went to school, gave me random gifts, paid to get my nails done. Buuuut….
He didn’t like me “questioning” him (all of a sudden), he started always yelling at me, criticizing my personality, constantly changing his mind and telling me if I wanted to get married I had to “be good”, and after he proposed without a ring, realized he was still afraid to get married.
I’m a little afraid I won’t find anyone else like him because he was everything that I wanted….just a really generous guy. My mom said, “What’s the point in him being so generous with money and gifts when he can’t give you himself for a lifetime?” She was right.
Keep your head up. We will find the men we have always dreamed of.
Post # 8
@batwoman: I like that. Totally agree with you and Dave Savage.
I’ve always compared relationships to black jack. If you’ve got a 19 in your hand it’s probably a good idea to stay.
My husband is great. Does he have a little issue with punctuality and decisiveness… yeah, sometimes, but he was pretty darn close to everything I was looking for in a husband.
Post # 9
Any more room in the boat? My ex was a great guy.. for someone else. Always texting, calling just to say hi, taking me out, spoiled me rotten, the works. First guy who ever made me involuntarily think “wait.. this might be the one.” On the flip side, our long term goals were different. And it didn’t help that it eventually came out that he was still madly in love with an ex from ages ago. And he wondered why I was insecure. *sigh*
So.. yeah. Worried that the next guy won’t have some characteristics that the ex did that I want. Or that when the right guy does come along, I’ll still be sorting out damages from exes. Lots of bad thoughts down that path.
Post # 10
i hear this! my SO of 5 yrs and I are getting into let’s get engaged territory, which on the one hand I am the one saying and on the other I am the one doubting! ugh sucks! i feel like he’s great in so many ways but i’m not sure if those other ways will be a problem long term. there’s certain ways i don’t feel like we’re on the same page, and i wonder if no matter who i am (or anybody is) with, there will be those things, albeit different things. ughh stressful when trying to either make the big commitment, or think about what happens if you don’t or can’t.
Post # 11
This is a really interesting thread.
Post # 12
@batwoman: I agree to a degree about that statement. But I think alot of people think, well they are 80% good, but have some 15% weird quirks and 5% a**hole qualities. I should keep him/her. But those a**hole-ish qualities need to be weighted more. Because those qualities will effect your quality of life.
For instance, Boyfriend or Best Friend and I both have husbands that can get cranky. Difference is, when my Darling Husband gets cranky he vents makes a few cranky comments, complains about the situation for a few minutes, then gets quiet. In 20 mins the storm has past and he apologizes. BF’s Darling Husband, get’s cranky, yells at her, tells her it’s all her fault and storms off. Then he fumes for a few hours, is snippy and generally wants to make everyone around him miserable.
So if we both made a list of our DH’s bad qualities, we would both list cranky. But who’s husband’s crankiness has a bigger impact on our quality of life.
There are certain qualities that might be a small part of who that person is, but can really effect your quality of life–selfish, arrogant, trouble with authority, unbearable when tired, etc. No matter how great the other qualities are, if you are with someone with those qualities, you will have a really rough time.
Post # 13
I thought my last relationship was IT. In reality, I had become a little calloused from my previous breakup, and had no idea what I was doing or what I really wanted. I had gone from a hyperemotional boyfriend to a clueless/emotionally unavailable boyfriend, and was mistaking his apathy and politeness for what I wanted at the time: low-maintenance, unclingy affection. The worst part was that he would sometimes talk about our future which really f’ed me up, when he finally broke it off. Man, was I devastated. I was broken. I literally didn’t know what to do with myself. I was certain that we were going to get married, and he literally turned my world upside down.
Shortly after, I met one of my neighbors (now fiance) who had also just gotten out of a (crazy) relationship, and even despite all of my resistance, pursued me like mad. After weeks of trying to stay “just friends”, I realized what it felt like to be wanted and appreciated and to be someone’s absolute world. I learned that love can be so easy, as it should be. I had made the mistake of trying to change my ex and fighting so hard against the inevitable, instead of realizing that we just weren’t right together. I was more in love with what could have been, rather than loving my ex for who he was. Now I know.
With my fiance, our relationship is so easy compared to what we’ve both experienced, that it almost doesn’t seem fair. He has been such a blessing, and I’m thankful for him every day!
Post # 14
I had THREE 😛 Discussed marriage with all of them, was with two of them for a long time each (4 years each), but something (important) was always missing.
It was really frustrating, I thought I’d never find my match, I kept finding great guys but not meant to be my husband. I didn’t feel complete when I was with them.
Finally, he arrived in my life! It actually took us 5 years for us both be ready to get engaged, but actually we suspected we would marry each other from early on, like 6 months in. We were just cautious and not rushed about it. Anyway, this time, finally, nothing was missing. He is not perfect, but he’s perfect for me. I’m glad I didn’t settle, or rush!
Post # 15
@esplanfreedom: You will find someone (I met Darling Husband at 38 and married at 40). But you have to be clear what personality qualities you need. If you were anything like me, you spent your 20’s with guys who weren’t super caring. So when you find someone who treats you well, you get super excited. I know I was with someone for almost 2 years because he did treat me so well (would get up early on cold days to start my car to warm it up). But UGH, we were so NOT right for each other. Now, you have to focus on 1) does he treat me well? but also 2) how will this trait effect me in the long term.
How would potential husband act when: you have a sick 2 year old, so no one has slept for a few days, and you are pregnant with you next child and having morning sickness. How would he treat you? What would his mood be like? Would he help, but have an attitude like he deserves a medal and gold star or will he just step in and do what needs to be done?
Ask yourself, if our child was exactly like him, how would I feel?
You will find the right person and you’ll know it’s the right person, becuase it will be easy and come naturallly. The bumps will be ironed out, even the big bumps. You wont have to rationalize his behaviors. And the big one–you wont want to change him and he wont want to change you. You will love 100% of him (even the ‘bad’ or annoying parts) because to change one thing about him would change everything. If you can’t walk into a room and think, I’m the luckiest girl here, you aren’t with the right person.