Post # 1
In light of recent conversations on the site, I was wondering what people think in general. Where do you draw your boundaries in your relationship? Is it mutually decided? Is it based on trust or insecurities?
For example, some people do not think it is appropriate for their SO/FI/Spouse to talk to members of the oppositve sex in most situations….even in public. Some refuse for either partner to have contact with an ex, while others are fine with it. Some people trust their SO/FI/Spouse to go to a strip club, while others compare it to cheating.
I am not judging, just curious.
Post # 3
This is where we set our boundaries: If you wouldn’t do it in front of your SO/FI/DH, then it is inappropriate. If you have a conversation with someone that you wouldn’t want your SO/FI/DH to find out about, it is inappropriate. If you go somewhere or do something that you wouldn’t want your SO/FI/DH to find out about, it is inappropriate.
There are some things where obviously people will disagree whether it is ok to do something in front of your SO. Like your example of talking to an ex. In my opinion, if it makes my SO feel uncomfortable, I won’t do it, even if I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. My SO is more important to me than keeping in touch with my ex, and it is understandable that he would find it uncomfortable, even if it’s not a big deal to me.
Post # 4
My husband and I don’t exactly have a list on the fridge of what we “can” and “can’t” do, but we’ve talked about stuff like this and thankfully, we agree. Basically, our boundaries are, “Don’t do anything that would betray my[our] trust.”
If he wants to talk/go out with (in a social sense)/befriend/call/whatever other women, that’s totally fine with me. The moment it steps into inappropriate territory (Relationship Zone), that’s where the boundary is.
He’s free to do as he pleases with whom he pleases as long as it would not betray my trust in him.
I trust him explicitly. I would be comfortable leaving him alone in a room of naked women. I think trust is a huge factor in a relationship and definitely you need to build your boundaries on trust. If he’s never given you a reason to be suspicious of him — don’t be.
Post # 5
My husband and I are both in agreement that we won’t disrespect each other in any circumstance. Which, for us, means that if he isn’t okay with something I won’t do it and vice versa. He can have female friends and I can have male friends but there is no reason to be friends with our ex’s (the serious ones).
We have a very biblical view of marriage and that means that a lot of those situations don’t even need to be discussed. A strip club isn’t something worth talking about because it would never be something we would want to do.
Post # 6
I didn’t really know how to vote, but my answer would be… We don’t have set boundaries and talking to someone of the opposite sex wouldn’t usually both us as we feel very secure in our relationship. If it did bother us, or if any other situation came up that one of us wasn’t comfortable with, we would talk to each other about it and go from there.
Post # 7
@JMPacker: I added another option, if that is what you were leaning toward. Otherwise, your explanations makes sense.
Post # 8
We are generally very open-minded and have the rule that we can talk about virtually anything. It is always based on trust, no matter what topic, and even our insecurities can be discussed. I find the latter still difficult, as I still have some difficulties showing my vulnerabilities, but I do feel that sharing works best for us. Nothing’s too weird.
Regarding talking about people from the other sex: We discuss that openly. He’ll just say: Yeah there was such a hot girl at work today, and I’ll be like: Ok, what hair color/how big were her boobs? We kind of make a joke out of it, and I’m completely ok with that. But maybe that’s also because I’ve had crushes on girls in the past, so I can kind of relate to that and discuss it with him, and he thinks that’s fun.
I do get jealous sometimes (and vice versa) but I just tell him then. We’re just open, like that. If we’ve reached a boundary, we’ll let each other know, so the other person knows to take it into account and be more considerate.
Post # 9
My SO and I have kind of a different relationship than most. We are very open and trusting of one another, and pretty much the only boundaries that we have set in stone are regarding our exes. Mostly, this is because his ex is a boundary-less drama queen who still desperately craves his attention.
But cheating really isn’t an issue for our relationship because if one of us has an attraction to another person, we talk about it instead of keeping it a secret. I was jokingly egging him on when these identical redhead twins from Paris were hitting on him last month during his business trip to India. I mean, IDENTICAL REDHEADS. That is a once in a million situation xD
Post # 10
@LilliePad: —> THIS
That pretty much is the definition of the boundaries that Mr TTR and I have
So it isn’t about the local Hoochie-coochie mommas, Exes, Porn or Strip Clubs per se for us
It is about CONVERSATION and getting an idea of what the other person was ok with and not ok with in the relationship while we were getting to know one another / dating
IF at any time in our Dating process, I had felt that I wasn’t ok with his lifestyle choices… in that they didn’t match with my own views… then I would have asked myself if that was a DEALBREAKER and if yes… then we would have gone our seperate ways
So now it is all about RESPECT, HONOUR and TRUST
As his wife, I expect him to respect “our” choices and Honor me. So I can continue to trust him and the life we’ve built together (and he expects the same from me)
As long as we do that for each other… then there is no need to set Boundaries in stone… or write em on the Fridge. It is just a natural part of our Relationship and WHO WE ARE AS A COUPLE
Hope this helps,
Post # 11
Mmm, we created them mutually, some after much discussion. Our goals were to maximize feelings of respect, security, and freedom. Pretty much in that order.
I make it a point to never lie and say I’m comfortable with something I’m not. I also don’t blame Fiance for things which are not his fault (e.g., girls trying to pick him up but he is not encouraging them.) And he’s the same.
What helps is that we’re both quite moralistic, by nature. If you can logically convince us an action is immoral we will not want to be a party to it. We don’t feel our freedom is restricted in those scenarios because we do not have desire to be free to do something we see as shameful. One of those things is flirting with someone in a relationship. So anyone who does that to either of us becomes an offending party to both of us, which we come up with a solution for together.
I absolutely do trust him fundamentally… that’s why I can feel confident that “we” have a certain approach as described, not just me. The reason we discuss how to approach certain scenarios is beyond the core of trust… it is dealing with specific potetentially annoying or challenging situations in the best possible way for us, again, maximizing feelings of respect, security and freedom.
Post # 12
We both completely trust each other. That being said, its just common sense not to leave a party with a male friend without my SO. I’m sure he wouldn’t think anything of it because i’m not the cheating kind. But its inappropriate so it shouldn’t be done. So we haven’t really had discussions like that because neither of us has ever done anything to make the other think we dont know our boundaries.
Post # 13
The only ‘boundary’ we have is no cheating; that’s it.
We have no issue with the other having friends of the opposite sex, and socialising with those friends on their own; we have no issue with a bit of flirting; we discuss people we find attractive openly; etc.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club
The only boundaries we have is what will go on at the bachelor party. Which is, don’t get a lap dance or anything else that could be considered cheating. Otherwise, we just trust each other.
Post # 15
I don’t really know how to vote in this poll. We are both pretty laid-back, trusting, and not very jealous. A long time ago we both kind of agreed that cheating begins the moment you start behaving in a way that, if your partner found out about, would be upsetting. So basically, I don’t do anything online or behind my husband’s back that I wouldn’t do or say in front of his face. There is a not a single text message, e-mail, or Facebook exchange that I would be ashamed of if my husband were to see it, and I trust that he conducts himself in the same manner. We don’t have exact boundaries set of what’s over the line and what’s toeing the line and what’s totally fine but we respect each other and have common sense, so it’s really not something I ever worry about.
Post # 16
@LilliePad: I should’ve read this before responding. That’s us exactly.