Post # 17
I am currently pregnant and a lot of my friends are expecting. On the other hand, I also have friends who are still single and so far away from having children.
Remember that there are many parts of you. Being a mother will be a huge part of who you are, but it’s not everything that you are. You still have other interests and intelligence about things other than poopy diapers, bedtime stories, and midnight feeding sessions.
Like anything else, when something is new in your life, it tends to consume a lot of you (e.g. when you planned your wedding/got married, bought your first house, etc etc). A baby is the same way, with much longer and more time-consuming impacts.
But a baby is not all of you. What I’m saying is that you will make new friends based on new common grounds of being a new mother, there’ll be a lot of baby stuff to talk about and share. But you’re still the old you, deep down inside you still enjoyed those things in common with your non-mom friends and you need time to talk about that stuff, too. Maybe at the beginning, you’ll be too overwhelmed by the new baby to think this is ever possible, but that day will come. Let your non-mom friends know that you might be unavailable for a while because a child is a huge change in your life, but it won’t be forever. If the friendship is worth pursuing, you’ll pursue it.
Post # 18
If anything this will show you who your true friends are. I completely understand what you are saying.
I was a single mother for a LONG time. I had friends that wanted to hang out with me and my Dear Daughter, would come to her birthday parties and recitals, and would always ask how she is and what’s going on with her, etc. And than I had friends that showed zero interest in her and would “forget” that I’m a mom. Guess which ones ended up standing up in my wedding?
You will have two sets of friends – the parenting friends(parents we have met through our DD) and your non-parenting friends. I felt the same separation once I got engaged. My single friends stopped calling to invite me out. It sucks but its the way life goes. Your real, true friends will always be there but the ones that could care less will fade away.
And don’t listen to the people saying if every conversation revovles around your kids… As moms we have to find that balance within ourselves to maintain our own identity while being a great mom. Don’t censor yourself to please others. They should understand what a great undertaking motherhood is and be happy to share in this with you.
Post # 19
I’d say since my gfs have gotten married, theyve reprioritized their rltshp with me way down. Now that I’m engaged, I don’t have many friends left who care or act like they have time to ask about planning. I figure they feel they don’t have a commonality with me anymore and I can only imagine when kids come along. I don’t feel very close with fi’s married cousins who both have young children, nevrt have. I have always felt it was bc I was still in the mindset of spending my money where ever I wanted, goin to bars with fi, getting my career started, and shopping, decorating my house, etc where some parents I know don’t even bother putting on decent clothes, putting on makeup or fixing their hair anymore. I don’t ever want to be like that! I like looking nice! I think there’s a huge change when marriage and especially kids come along. I personally don’t like kids, don’t wanna be around kids, so im not in any denial about why women my age don’t find anything in common with me. Just my opinion but its one of the reasons I’ve waited til nearly 35 to get married. still unsure about ever having kids.
I got off topic but I think its hard to keep friendship after marriage or kids either one.
Post # 20
@Nona99: Love your post! Hilarious! I hope I hope I hope I am in the first group when we have our baby! For the sanity of myself and my hubby and our friends!
Post # 22
@Nona99: Great summary. I agree. I much prefer my friends in the first group and hope to be just like them one day. When my friends fall into this category, I actually quite enjoy spending time with their kids, enjoy getting to know them and so on — they are just little people, and my new friends.
When I have friends that fall into the latter category, and their children are “objects to be worshiped” and the “most amazing and interesting things in the world” and that need to have the lives of everyone restructured around them — surprisingly, they aren’t much fun to hang out with any more.
Post # 23
@Nona99: Soooo true! My sister was Maid/Matron of Honor in her friend’s wedding and now they barely talk because she falls into the 2nd category you detailed. Granted, she has 3 kids and 2 of them are under the age of 4. But how hard is it to respond to a text!? Your children don’t and should not control every minute of your day!
Post # 24
Thanks everyone for all the thoughtful and helpful replies!!
@baletrina: Thanks for your understanding 🙂
I noticed that a lot of people commented on how those who are pregnant or have children often talk only about pregnancy/chldren, and I would like to stress that I have been extremely aware of this and very careful not to focus on this, and instead talk about their lives/issues/normal things we used to talk about etc.
If anything, I have been a little hurt by their lack on interest/understanding of certain things during my pregnancy but I have never shown this.
@vorpalette: (Re the snow – there was black ice underneath so I couldn’t run along the pavement to catch a bus! I’m almost 8 months gone)
Post # 25
It’s way different for me. I am in a situation though where I have NO family in state and my husband’s family does not offer to help. My husband is either working or doing stuff around the house. 99% of the childcare (when she is not at daycare, which she is 50 hours a week because we both work) is done by me.
I would love to leave my baby with my husband or a sitter and go have lunch/dinner/shopping time/girl time with friends, but most of the time, that’s not an option for me. I don’t have a babysitter. My friendships with those without kids have suffered a lot.
I can’t go out anymore. I could theoretically put my baby to bed, go out after (like 8 or 9) and meet up with a friend, but I would want to be home by 10 because my daughter wakes up at 5 am pretty much every day. This also means no drinking because dealing with an active toddler at 5 am hungover is no fun. All my friends are big drinkers. So, I can basically drive 30 min to meet my friends, hang out for an hour (not drinking more than one beer) then drive 30 min home. Not really worth it.
So yeah, it sucks. I had to stay off Facebook for awhile because I was getting so depressed reading my friends’ fun status updates about new bars and Sunday Fundays while I dealt with a teething, crabby baby and a crabby sleep deprived husband.
I miss my old life. But my new life with my daughter is still better, frustrations and all.
Post # 26
Depends on the friends. I think age as well. Half od my friends have kids, half don’t. But we’re also 31, so we all have settled lives. If you want it to make a difference, it will. Otherwise, your friends will still be your friends and understand when you can’t do something and you’ll understand the same with them.
Post # 27
@Zellywelly: THIS IS SO TRUE!!! I have found that once a friend/relative has a baby – WAIT it starts even before that, as soon as she finds out she is pregnant things begin to change, I am NOT KID-DING (pun intended) – I do not have children yet, nor have I ever been pregnant/mis-carried… but I have noticed this HUGE trend of once a woman finds out she is pregnant it is ALL about her and the baby (which is not even here yet) – ALL they f&ck’in talk about is “the baby” – it is super annoying. I am learning from them what NOT TO DO when I find out I am pregnant. I am not against “pregnant” women or moms because I would love to be a mom soon, so don’t think I am coming from a place of hatred or jealousy because I am not. I don’t know if it is the volitile cocktail of pregnancy hormones that causes such a dramatic shift in the women I have known or what… but I am going to try not to succomb to these hormones should I get pregnant. I can imagine the underlying love for an unborn baby and how enormous of a responsibility that could be and the love you may already have from feeling different, changing of your body, and the movements, but just because your a soon to be mother/already a mother doesn’t mean your not that girl that partied with me in the limo I rented for your 21st birthday and we partied until we couldn’t see straight. You have grown up and changed and so I have I – that is expected but don’t pretend that your the ONLY pregnant woman ever to exist and that your wants are NEEDS. There is 1 woman in my family right now who has been pregnant FOREVER – feels like forever with all of her updates on FB —-> she is so F&CK$#g annoying, I can’t stomach to even see her. It’s an awful feeling, but I will say I have learned a lot from a few pregnant women. I have learned how NOT TO ACT WHILE PREGNANT!!!! End of RANT!
Post # 28
I will say on the contrary – I have one friend who has remained pretty much the same, she is a wonderful mother and is not a bragger – she really doesn’t give herself enough credit – she is “old school” – not the new, “ME ME IT’s ALL ABOUT ME, oh AND MY UNBORN BABY” – she is very motherly, down to earth, and as a result she has many many friends who would do anything for her. I find the more a person brags constantly maybe has a POINT to prove to everyone – to try and validate their own feelings, and doesn’t have a good home base to begin with. But the 1 really great friend I have who is on her second pregnancy I will commend for doing nearly everything right, I hope I am as great of a mother to my children one day!
Post # 29
Well, talk about your kids as much as you would want your single friends to yammer on about how shitty their current boy toy is.
It’s ALL in moderation. As long as you have other things to talk about, your friendship should be fine.
Post # 30
@bluegreenjean: Yes – Agree with the friends attitude of “my child is to be worshipped” attitude and unfortunately I HAD alot of friends that are this way. Unfortunately in the family their is one of these women and I often wonder with all of her FB posts about her engagement, wedding, etc…, moving, new house, now pregnant – how the men react. But one man put it nicely recently – on one of her posts about the new house and PS We are pregnant. (This all happening with in 2 years) he said, “WOW!! A lot of changes, in such a short time. Good luck to you.” I thought that was very fitting.
Post # 31
@Nona99: This is so true! We know one woman who regularly pulls out her phone and shows my SO pictures of her baby, and always begins with “I know you don’t care at all about her new pictures but I want to show her off”. Uh, what? If you know he doesn’t care about your child’s latest tummy ache or cute outfit why force him into conversation for half an hour?
We used to hang out with this couple a fair amount and they are now incapable of talking about anything other than their child. Heck, it’s hard to get them to talk to anyone other than the baby!
On the other side of things we know another couple with a young child who are consistently awesome about it. They are really good at talking about their son without making him the center of attention and are always a lot of fun to hang out with. I think as long as you continue to be interested in your friend’s lives you’ll be fine!