Post # 32
As a CFBC couple, we have many friends with kids. The easiest ones to keep relationships with are those that are willing to hire a babysitter, in my experience. When I have tried to invite the whole family out, one kid will get sick, or some unexpected event will happen, or it’s impossible to schedule a time good for everyone. I haven’t seen some friends in a few years, since their children were born. hopefully we will start seeing them again when their kids are a bit older.
Post # 33
This thread seems to have turned into lots of people complaining about the way pregnant women act..which wasn’t really my question, but anyway..I was asking those with children about their experiences with childless friends.
I think it is a bit unfair to generalise about pregnant people and people with children – we are not all totally consumed by it, and I have said I have gone out of my way to be sensitive and not discuss pregnancy overly much and have normal chats with my friends and do the things we always do.
It really upsets me when people to chose to be childless complain about and stereotype those with children, we do have feelings and it is hurtful.
Post # 34
I have a friend who has a bad habit of getting snobby over being a mom. I’ll give advice that is apparently retarded. For instance, she was venting to me because her internet was down and she was waiting on replies from landlords while apartment hunting. I said, “Don’t you live near a library?” And she replied, “I have a 6 month old daughter! I can’t just go to the library!” Oh, well excuse me. I must be an idiot. She was also irritated because her ex too it upon himself to take her futon when he moved out. She was complaining that futons cost $150+. She had gotten her other futon on craigslist for $30 and it looked new. I asked if she had looked on craigslist this time around since she had gotten such a great deal last time. She said, “Uh, I have a 6 month old daughter. I am NOT gonna buy a second hand couch. Not gonna happen…” The friendship has suffered because she treats me like an ignorant fool (I didn’t realize buying a second hand couch was bad for baby), and it seems like she has very little interest in my life anymore. Our conversations are like me quizzing her on how everything is going and she doesn’t ask what’s going on in my life. She has really changed. If I’m not asking questions or commenting on her or her daughter then there are actually moments of silence. I guess it doesn’t occur to her anymore to talk about anything else. I have only seen her twice in the past 6 months.
Post # 35
@Nona99: I love that. My husband and I have a very what I call “cray cray” toddler but we do not let that change our lives. If we want to go out, we do. We have friends that accept that we have a child and so no…I can’t just show up at 1030pm at the club. (honestly, I’m 30 years old, I don’t really want to do that even if I was childless and still single).
People who have children should never down someone who doesn’t. People’s levels of happiness are based on different things. What makes one person happy, may not another. As long as your friends are happy in their lives and willing to listen to you gripe and moan about diapers….then I have no problem listening and discussing the single life!
Relationships are give and take. real friends love you regardless of little carbon copies.
Post # 36
@Nona99: I totally agree. I could care less if someone has kids or not. It’s the people who completely sacrfice their individual identity to parenthood that are the most irritating. I understand that being a parent is always going to be a part of who those people are, but it’s not everything. It’s not enjoyable to maintain friendships with people who can’t “turn the mommy off”, so to speak.
Post # 37
This is long so I’ll say sorry right now.
I don’t think people are trying to be mean in this thread instead they are just trying to explain situations they’ve been in. I think they are just trying to make a list of the do nots and sometimes tone gets really messed up on the internet. Sorry if you feel that way though and I hope I don’t come across the same way. I am childless so I know I’m not the person you want to hear from but as the only person without children in my friend group I’m hoping I can help speak for your friends behavior.
All relationships change due to new jobs, new relationships, new babies, etc. It is all about how you handle the situation and the attitude you go into it with. If they are real friends then you’ll work it out.
My best friend and I hit a rough patch after her daughter was born. She started making comments like “Someday you’ll understand” or “A life without a child is just empty.” I am childless and not by choice but due to medical problems I will never have my own. Although she is my best friend I wasn’t able to talk about it with her because I just never knew how. Sometimes parents forget that being childless isn’t always a choice and it isn’t always a bad thing. We just picked different paths or got forced onto them. But one day I just lost it and told her that I couldn’t continue a relationship like this. We didn’t talk for a few months. One day she picked up the phone and said that she hadn’t meant to be insensitive. I said sorry for not bringing it up better. Since then we’ve worked it out because that’s what friends do. We go on days out with her daughter, we go on days out alone. I listen to her complain about daycare wait times and she listens to me stress over house renovations. Sometimes we’ll go out for lunch and she’ll say ‘I love my child but can we please talk about something else.’ haha.
In terms of your friends not asking about your little one it could be because they feel like they’re invading your privacy. I’ve had quite a few friends that don’t want to discuss their pregnancies because they say it’s ‘all they talk about’. They might know people like this and think they are actually making the best choice. One of my friends said she hated being pregnant because all people wanted to discuss was her growing belly. She felt like people forgot about her job, her husband, and her life beyond her uterus. I now ask less questions because I worry that I could be making someone feel that way.
Don’t be too hard on yourself and try to accept that you might have rough patches with your childless friends. However if they care about you and you care about them then you will find balance.
Best of Luck.
Post # 38
FH and I are CBC but most of our friends have kids. Like Nona99 said, they fall into 2 categories; the ones that don’t let their kids control and consume every moment of their time and the ones that become so much better because they have reproduced. Sadly, my best friend fell into the second category. Her child is her life. We can’t talk about anything other than her child. She rarely calls me anymore, and when she does all she wants to talk about is what her son ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner, that he’s having a pizza party at daycare, that he took his 35th poo in the potty. And it’s annoying. I would love it if I could just hear about her day, things that are happening in her life, as an individual, rather than her life as a mom. I honestly don’t remember the last time we talked about something other than her son.
I have other friends though, that are wonderful. We still go out and do things, they don’t constantly talk about their kids or kid things. We have adult conversations and have a great time. They don’t bring their kids on every outing and they let me know beforehand if they are.
Post # 39
My pregnant/new mother friends and I no longer speak regularly, although we are still friends. It’s just I cannot relate to motherhood (I have no maternal instincts and don’t understand children) and I am sure she finds my lack of enthusiasm boring also.
Post # 40
@lovesweetlove: Thank you for your thoughtful reply. That’s very helpful. I think I was feeling senstive and just reading all those comments it felt like it was an attack on people with children, but I can see that people were just trying to explain it from their perspective.
Sorry that that happened with your friend and you had to go through that it must be/have been tough.
I think perhaps you are right that people are trying to give me privacy too. It can be overwhelming to have so much attention and questions about the the bump esp for mum’s who are introverted.
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with insensitive comments from people with children. I can’t imagine it fully, but I know how annoying it is when people question your life choices/needs. I am not very social and have noticed that everytime I try to spend time alone esp being pregnant, my friends seem to think I’m depressed or need ‘fixing’ to make me more social, when I’m honestly totally happy just in my own or my husband’s company, and find constant socialising exhausting and over-stimulating.
Anyway, sorry that was a bit of a side-line!!
Thanks for your reply and I will keep in mind the things you have pointed out.
Post # 41
It sounds like your friends just may not be a great fit with who you are now. If a friend is less social you need to support them in ways that make them feel included, not seperated. Not that your friends aren’t great people but they may not be the best people for you. If you have a pair of jeans that don’t look great on you, chances are you won’t wear them all the time. These friends don’t seem to make you feel the way friends should so maybe you should try creating new friends. Which I know is harder then it sounds! Old friends are lovely but not all friendships are forever. That is a fact that I know I always struggle with. How far along are you now?
Post # 42
@lovesweetlove: Yes I think you are right. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Just not sure how to go about it. It seems like there’s a lot more social/extrovert people out there!
I’m 37 and a half weeks now so not long to go now.