Post # 17
Also having just gotten married myself, my home is no where near in a position to host people. There are projects all over the place, gifts that don’t yet have homes except for the living room floor, boxes in a pile in one corner, etc. Trust me when I say that having all that stuff there will e hard to avoid.
Having just read your above post, I’d also add that while I understand the struggle you’re having about getting a B&B, if you really can’t get people to not stay at your home and you really don’t want to fight that fight (choosing your battles is the hardest part of workin with my parents, that’s for sure), then I’d invest the money to give youreslf the peace and quiet you deserve. See if a friend would dog sit for you, only stay the nights you have family staying at your home, see if you can find a dog friendly B&B, but don’t deny yourself the opportunity to have some alone time with your brand new husband. And don’t set yourself up for bitterness in the future.
Post # 18
Even if your parents are of the mindset "stuff as many people in the house as possible to save money" it’s not their house. It’s your house.
Since you are paying for the entire wedding on your own, maybe your parents could pay for the guests hotels since this is something they think needs to be covered. I’ve never been to an out of town wedding and expected the hosts to pay for my hotel or house me.
Also, getting married is a once in a lifetime thing, and your honeymoon is whatever and where ever you want it to be. Staying home to relax and just be with each other is wonderful – don’t let unwanted house guests spoil your special time.
I know this is my second post, I’m just so appalled that any parent would expect a brand new bride and groom to share their honeymoon with guests.
Post # 19
I know that it is pricey to get a hotel room for an out of (my) town wedding, but in attending the wedding I know that I would need a room and I would budget that in – as a guest – as part of my cost.
Hotels are known for doing group rates so that it can be a bit cheaper – all it takes is a little research! And there are plenty of sites that give previews on what can be available. Look at Groople which looks at hotel rates within a given area based on the number of hotel rooms you need.
As kind as it is for your parents to offer this up to your guests, it really isn’t their house. And if you are paying exclusively for your own wedding (or even covering the majority of it) it really is not a decision for them to make.
Research, tell your parents where you’d like your guests to stay, thank them for looking to make life easier on everyone (they probably think they are helping), and handle it.
Post # 20
I agree with amaryliss. When attending an out-of-town wedding, I automatically count a hotel room among my costs.
Maybe your guests could coordinate and share rooms, to help cut down on cost. Or if it is something your parents are so concerned with, maybe they can foot the cost (or part of it).
I just can’t believe that your parents have invited people to stay with you, your cousin and your sister, without talking to any of you first! Yes, saving money is important and I certainly get that, but they need to learn some boundaries. They don’t have the right to offer up someone else’s home.
Post # 21
N-O…..you and your hubby just got married and this week off at home is basically considered ur honeymoon. its not fair to make ur husband host ur family. i would stand my ground!!
Post # 22
Miss BlueBear – that’s a great point about it not being fair that your family can stay with you, and not the other way around. If your FI’s family would be hurt by this, maybe you could use that to get out of having to host guests?
On the flip side, I could totally see my family opening my house up to relatives without asking! Maybe it is a cultural thing… my family is Japanese, and I would just feel obliged. I couldn’t turn away my family, even on my wedding night. Well I actually lived with my brother at the time, so Mrs. Bee and I got a hotel room for that night.
But I totally respect the other perspective! Good luck to you with your wedding and honeymoon!!
Post # 23
if you chose to do a mini-moon, i think i would say that ‘it’s so nice of [insert guest] to take care of our dog while we spend a couple of nights away.’ if you are opening your home to guests you did not invite, surely they can watch your dog if you choose to pay for a hotel room to have some alone time.
i do think it would be a *lot* of added stress, though, to make sure your home is ready to receive guests right before the wedding. it might have pushed me over the edge. if your parents feel comfortable inviting people to stay in your home, maybe they wouldn’t mind helping you get the house ready, too?
Post # 24
A lot of responses already… but I want to reiterate that yes, you should spend this time alone even if it means politely turning down houseguests. You can’t get back those first few days of marriage — even if you’re planning to go on a "honeymoon" trip later down the line, those first few days just basking in the light of the wedding being over and the marriage just beginning is a precious time to cherish with each other. I say do whatever you need to do to ensure you’ll spend that time alone together, for the most part.
We got married the day before Mother’s Day, so the day after we spent time with our mothers for mealtimes (lunch with his side, dinner with mine), but we still spent a good deal of special alone time as well. There’s ways to spend time alone to celebrate your marriage, and not make out-of-town guests feel neglected, but I think having to play hostess to those guests would really, really make that difficult! Hope it all works out.
Post # 25
I am also shocked that they would even ask. My parents are coming from CA and haven’t even asked if THEY may stay in my house! It’s the hotel for everyone or I am sorry, don’t come.
Where do you have rooms blocked? NYC is expensive, but you should be able to find something. I have suites blocked at the Embassy Suites for $229 (February)–these are suites with a king bed, a fold-out couch, and a kitchette. They can surely jam as many people in there as they could squeeze into your house, and divided among so many people, it wouldn’t be so bad.
Do not cave. On the morning of your wedding do you want to have to cook breakfast for everyone? Do you want to deal with people poking around your house, spilling coffee and toast crumbs near your dress? Do you want to have to fight for bathroom space? Do you want to be frantically searching for your veil because it was in Aunt Mabel’s way and she stuck it in the closet and forgot? No.
Post # 26
So much has already been said, but I also feel it is important to reiterate that you should absolutely not back down on this issue. Allowing this will make you bitter for years to come, and you deserve to spend those post-wedding days ALONE with your new hubby!
The fact that you and your Fiance are paying for the entire wedding yourselves is also an important point; I am assuming you are not going away for a honeymoon because of financial reasons, so that is all the more reason for you to be able to enjoy some well-deserved alone time, even if it is in the comfort of your own home. I’m sure you worked hard to earn the money to pay for your wedding, and having your guests at the wedding in the first place is (in a way) your gift to them, so I don’t think that you are in any way also obligated to house them or pay for them to stay somewhere. After all, you could have decided to have a small wedding to save money and not invited them at all!
I also second the suggestion to find one or two room blocks at hotels to secure some group rates for your guests. If you show them that you have arranged things for them, you are courteously saving them the hassle of finding a place on their own, and you are giving them the option to pair up or share rooms to save money.
If this is still not acceptable to your parents, let them figure out another plan that will work. Keeping your emotions out of it and standing firm will probably work a lot better than getting upset or yelling at them about how it isn’t fair (because I know that’s what a lot of us want to do most of the time!). Showing them that you are an adult who is paying for her own wedding and who owns a home is showing them that you can make your own decisions and they cannot make them for you — especially this one.
Good luck, and let us know how it works out!
Post # 27
I agree with everyone else!
I could maybe see your parents having a bargaining chip if they were playing for the entire wedding.Â However, since you are paying for it, it only seems fair for you to call the shots on important things like this.
I cannot believe that anyone would accept the offer of staying at the bride and groom’s house on their wedding night.Â I would feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable with the whole situation.Â Â
But I definitely agree with everyone else about being strong.Â Do not cave in, because it is definitely something that you will resent the rest of your life.Â
Post # 28
This is definitely one of those wedding things that tops the whole guest list ordeal for me! I don’t think I ever imagined being in this scenario at all in all my months of planning, but if nothing else, I’ve learned you can’t forsee everything!
I respect my parents greatly, but I don’t agree with much of their opinions on things as I feel I have become much more Americanized than they have in their 40 years here. I am in no way denying my Chinese heritage, but it’s hard explaining to your parents why a honeymoon period is essential after a wedding. As sad as it is, the truth of the matter is, my parents don’t see planning a wedding as stressful at all. Not that they will extend a hand to help, but boy do they have ideas, opinions, and suggestions the whole way through!
I am grateful for the Hive to allowing me to vent and sharing all your wonderful ideas with me so I don’t go insane in the interim. Picking my battles with my parents will be a constant test of my patience, but ultimately, they are my parents and when push comes to shove, it’s one day out of the rest of my life! I assure you all that I will keep you all posted on the outcome. It may be a while as my wedding isn’t until March, but I assure you there will be more drama to come! Stay tuned for more adventures in the wonderful life of Miss Bluebear! =)
Post # 29
I know I’m just stating what everyone else has said, but I felt I needed to. NO! Do not let them stay. Would your parents expect you to house guests after you have had a child? In my mind, this is kind of the same thing. It’s a life changing experience and one that requires some downtime and adjustment – and a houseful of relatives IS NOT AN OPTION. Dear lord, if I had to deal with my relatives before, during and after my wedding, I may not have any family left.
I can’t believe any of them actually accepted the arrangement. I would be so totally uncomfortable staying at the house of the bride and the groom, even if you are a "stuff them all in" family.
I’d say, like others have said, check into group discounts at hotels and tell your parents that this isn’t something up for discussion – it’s not happening. Or tell them that everyone can stay at THEIR house!
Post # 30
Hi Miss BlueBear, my family is the same way about saving. They wondered why it was so expensive to have a wedding here when in Mexico you just have it in your backyard and all the aunts cook (I didn’t let fam go there. Hubby is white and it would have been weird for 85% of the guests!)
Well, long story short, I did have people that I knew were going to have a hard time financially so this is what I did:
-I arranged for rides for people from close locations (as the place was difficult to get to using public transport.
Problem: Just make sure that the ones without the car know that they have to chip in…i was horribly embarrased last week when I found out that a friend of mine who begged for a ride didn’t even bother asking to pay for gas! Well, this is also from the person that didn’t bother telling me her date wasn’t coming until the day before…
-Sharing of hotel rooms helps (as <span class=”postby”>chrissie mentioned): It works best when they know each other already (family) and friends from college.
Please, do say NO to the parents. Your first night should be yours and yours only. Having relatives there on your first night/morning would probably resemble one of those old archaic traditions where they would check if the marriage has been consummated.
Post # 31
So I thought I’d give you all an update on this matter that I posted about a few weeks ago…
I have convinced my parents that my Fiance and I will not be hosting anyone at our house for the wedding…and while they have accepted that part…they have now decided that my two cousins that are flying in from Austrailia should stay with us in our hotel room the night of the wedding because they will not have anywhere to go. (yes, you read correctly, stay with my Fiance and I on the night of our wedding in the same room!)
Now, I should clarify that I love these two cousins dearly and I understand they are traveling quite a bit to come to our big day, but to have them in our Hotel room the night of our wedding? That seems a bit much. My mom suggested the second option be we pay for their stay that night (which is over $300 a night at the hotel) since my sister and cousin in law (which my mom has offered to relatives to stay in despite not having asked them yet) have already made arrangements at a hotel to stay over., my mom feels that what’s two more people in a room going to do? And yes, I did tell her that I DID NOT pay for the hotel rooms of anybody else except for my Fiance and I, but that does not seem to matter to her because she feels we should make an exception for these cousins. WTF?!
I don’t remember the last time I went to a wedding and the Bride and Groom had to take care of ALL the arrangements. I feel like I’m planning a huge family vacation more than my own wedding because I am now apparently responsible for living arrangements and travel arrangements for all guests. This is overwhelming and extremely frustrating.
Of course my Fiance doesn’t quite understand the pressure and he suggests perhaps we just pay for the stay, but now it’s not a matter of the money anymore, but of principal. Why is it suddenly my responsiblility to get everyone fully settled? When was the last time someone checked on my sanity. I feel so left out in the cold.
I should add that on top of my own family, I have been volunteered to find arrange airfare for my FI’s grandma, her sister and husband flying in from HK for the wedding. It’s frustrating and so stressful to have to coordinate all of this without the help or consideration of anyone around me.
I plead to you weddingbee community to help me keep my sanity through all this because I feel very close to losing it all!