(Closed) “Relieving” MOH of her duties?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Oh boy, that’s a toughie!  I honestly would ask your current Maid/Matron of Honor to step down, but I would blame it on the fact that she is moving and won’t be around to help with important wedding stuff, whereas another girl is willing to do all of that.  I truly don’t think it will hurt your current MOH’s feelings considering she’s been absent the whole time anyway.  Honestly, I’d be worried about her even showing up to the wedding :-/  I’m sure she is a nice girl, but your wedding doesn’t seem to be a priority of hers at all.  Go with what your heart tells you!  Good luck ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 4
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Why don’t you promote Ashley and have 2 MOH’s?

ETA: I am in a somewhat similar situation, but decided against demoting or promoting anyone.  It sucks that she doesn’t get the ‘credit’ of the title, but she gets the credit for helping you out. I’ve made sure to thank my Bridesmaid or Best Man (who has been a godsend) a lot; she knows she has been the most helpful and I don’t let her forget it!

Post # 5
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would call Chelsea and say you completely understand that she’s too busy to be planning the shower, bachelorette or attend the rehearsal dinner and thankfully Ashley has offered to step up and take the lead with these things, which are very important to you. Tell her that while you were happy to ask her to be Maid/Matron of Honor, you didn’t realize that she had so much going on and wouldn’t be able to participate to the extent that you’d hoped. In all fairness, you are going to give Ashley the honor of being your Maid/Matron of Honor since you believe it’s the right thing to do. Say that titles don’t really matter at the end of the day, and they’re both equally your friend now and forever, but you have to be fair if she’s doing all the work she deserves the title.

Be nice but firm when you deliver the news so she can’t argue and understands you are serious. Don’t try to make her feel bad for being such a crappy Maid/Matron of Honor (which she really is), just point out how blessed you feel to have her in your wedding party at all. So basically keep it to the positives, but make sure she understands that’s you’re firm in your reasoning and justified.

Post # 6
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

Just know if you demote a member of the Bridal Party, your friendship is very likely gone. The only thing the bridal party NEEDS to do, is show up to your wedding.

I would skip the whole demoting thing, promote Ashley to a second Maid/Matron of Honor, and just have her stand beside you.

Post # 8
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m with @rachaelrobin: on this.  Maybe just have 2 MOH’s and then no one’s feelings gets hurt?  

Post # 10
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee

I think having 2 is your best bet.  Honor attendants are supposed to be based on the relationship, not what they can or can’t do for you.  I will caution you about the “upgrade” however.  I am glad Ashley is willing to help out, but she may be offended if you are only considering promoting her just to become your wedding elf.  I would make it clear that planning the wedding has brought you closer together and that you would be honored to have her stand beside you as Maid/Matron of Honor.  You should say this (and be as genuine as possible) to avoid offending her.

Post # 12
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee

@heatherrobyn:Read above closely: “but she may be offended if you are only considering promoting her just to become your wedding elf…I would make it clear that planning the wedding has brought you closer together and that you would be honored to have her stand beside you as Maid/Matron of Honor.” 

Wasn’t a comment on your relationship.  You stated that your current Maid/Matron of Honor is now kinda MIA.  From that, I took it to mean that you would like a more present Maid/Matron of Honor.  If you do want a wedding elf, that’s fine…just don’t let on. 

Post # 14
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee

@heatherrobyn:Cool.  And best of luck.  Totally sounds like a horrible situation.  In other news, it would be pretty cool if MIA Maid/Matron of Honor (love that) could throw you a great LA bachelorette.

Post # 15
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I have a problem with the whole “demoting”, “promoting” thing. i think as brides we tend to forget that what we’re really asking these women to do is a lot of work, and they’re doing it as a favor to us. I think having two MOH’s is probably your best bet, but these ladies aren’t here to just do our bidding. How would you feel if your friend called you and said, “you know. you seem really busy, and aren’t able to plan and make dinner for me at my house (with my menu) on Monday night, so I’m demoting you from “good friend” to an “okay friend”. Please try harder next time?

 

 

Post # 16
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

As to upsetting Ashley by the sudden promotion, as long as you explain that you made a mistake in the beginning and want to make it right now, I don’t think she’ll be upset. Just say you thought you were making the right decision based on the information you had, but quickly realized you always should have asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor.

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