(Closed) Religion….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@danier: you guys definitely need to talk about this some more. Is he perhaps expecting that you will come around and start to become more religious? I think you have gone above and beyond accepting his beliefs and he owes it to you to do the same. If you’re uncomfortable, you should be able to express it without that kind of reaction.  

View original reply
@FutureCuomo6610:  the thing is, getting mad at her and giving the slient treatment when she expresses that she’s uncomfortable or doesn’t go along with his beliefs is pretty much shoving it down her throat. She has a right to her feelings, and his negative reaction (rather than asking her why, or trying to talk it out) only hurts her and pushes her away. Not very loving of him.

Post # 19
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@danier:  I don’t understand the source of your discomfort? 

Post # 21
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Firstly, OP, you need to have a chat about your future lives together. Secondly, perhaps I could share my own story? I had all sorts of issues organising my ceremony… hardcore atheist extended family, non-conformist immediate family, and uber-Catholic in-laws. In the end, we compromised by having a Catholic ceremony with no mass. The wording of these ceremonies is often set in stone in Catholic and Lutherian ceremonies, and some places don’t allow you to have non-religious music or readings. That would probably depend on the priest though.

When I initially started discussing things like how to raise kids with DH, he did give me the silent treatment on one occasion, but I think that’s because we hadn’t really discussed it before, and he was surprised that we had such differing views when we agreed on lots of other things. Men do tend to go silent and flee from conflict like this… women often prefer to thrash things out, in my experience. The other thing that drives me NUTS about DH is that he keeps saying things like “why are you trying to cause a fight?” when I try to resolve issues. GRRRRRR!

A good premarital counsellor will probably help you to work through these issues. The church would be able to provide you with that… but if you feel you might be more comfortable with a secular premarital counsellor, then feel free (we had Catholic counselling, but I must say that they were very good, and I felt very comfortable as the non-Catholic partner).

I can understand why he wants to be married in a church, and that may be non-negotiable for him. DH’s only non-negotiable request was that we were married in a Catholic church… he was willing to compromise on everything else. I think it’s probably a good idea, if he does say it’s non-negotiable, to allow him only one or two non-negotiable things, and to allow yourself the same privilige. That allows couples to think about what is really important to them, less important to them, and not important to them. Otherwise, discussions tend to deteriorate, because people get cross and say “it’s ALL important!”. Yes, sure… it’s all important… but if people are forced to rank their preferences in order of importance then this can get negotiations moving.

Hope this is at least of some help!

View original reply
@FutureCuomo6610: 
View original reply
@LoggerHead91207:  “As a Christian, his desire should be for her to be saved as well. Otherwise, according to his (and my, obviously) beliefs, she is facing eternal damnation.”

Some Lutherians don’t actually believe in sola fide. It’s a more common belief in charismatic Christianity nowadays (also more common in the US). So that’s not something you can automatically assume. For example, growing up then I was taught that sola fide was heresy.

Also, 1 Corinthians 7:14… “For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”

I simply don’t think you can make blanket assumptions like that… he might believe that, and he might not. Only he and OP could tell us that.

Post # 22
Member
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@danier:  Tell him that if he’s allowed to have feelings about religion then you are too, and that it’s not just his wedding.

Post # 23
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
@FutureCuomo6610:  Excellent point. It’s true that he could be thinking a lot about what happened and wondering how best to handle the situation further. I shouldn’t have assumed that the silence just meant that he was angry and avoiding her, though his actions the night before and earlier that morning kind of implied it.

And you’ve been quite considerate yourself! I enjoy getting different prespectives into situations posted on the Bee, so this has been nice. Smile

Post # 24
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
@Rachel631:  “Men do tend to go silent and flee from conflict like this… women often prefer to thrash things out, in my experience.”


I laughed so hard at this. My Fiance and I are the exact opposite; I tend to clam up and keep quiet as I get my thoughts together, while he’s standing there getting upset because he wants to get it over with. Lol!

View original reply
@danier:  I’m sorry this has been rough for you. I get how you feel about attending the Easter service. I’m a bit more at ease in Church (when I have to go), but I completely understand the feeling like an alien thing you described. I feel stupid when I have to go because I have no clue what I’m doing.

Post # 25
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

View original reply
@LoggerHead91207:  Ha ha! Funny…

Actually, I was going to post about the first time I attended Easter service with DH’s family…

We hadn’t been going out for that long, and I am unused to the very scripted Catholic and high church Protestant ceremonies anyway… the ones where there are lots of prayers that everyone knows, and lots of standing, kneeling etc. I find them unsettling because I never know when to do what. I always seem to be half a second behind everyone else, and I find that quite stressful.

Anyway, after the communion (which I couldn’t take, so I wasn’t best pleased at that), suddenly everyone stood up… including those who did not stand for communion. Hang on… I thought… what’s this? Anyway, there was nobody left sitting, so I got up and filed forward in this huge queue down the centre aisle. It was only when I got close to the front that I realised what they were doing.

In the middle of the steps stood a lifesize, plastic, garishly painted, upturned figure of Jesus, and everyone was queuing to kiss its feet. At this point, I should say that my religious tradition forbids graven images or idols, and this figure would definitely come into that category. It was also a taste thing… this thing was so garishly hideous that it offended my eyeballs. However, by this point then I couldn’t exactly do a runner. As if sensing my horror, DH’s sister leaned in and whispered to me:

“It’s OK… they wipe his feet with alcohol wipes after every kiss. It’s very hygienic!”

I swallowed my pride. I kissed the glow-in-the-dark pink plastic feet. I felt pretty dirty afterwards though.

That was one of my very first experiences with Catholicism!

Post # 26
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
@Rachel631:  . . . wow. . . seriously? I have never in my life heard about anyone doing that! That’s just a bit odd. Lol!

My dad and I like to joke that Catholics don’t need the Gym because they get all their exercise in at Mass.

Post # 27
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

[Post moderated for posting with the sole purpose of criticizing, mocking, or otherwise disparaging others’ wedding, waiting, or nesting choices]

Post # 29
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

View original reply
@danier:  If it helps, I have always hated being excluded from communion when I go with DH, although I have been told that more liberal parishes would secretly allow it because I have gone through the equivalent of all the sacraments, and I do believe in the transformative power of the host, even though I think it’s rather more… metaphorical!

DH and I have the same issue re kids. The main issue for me is that I would like them to attend both of our churches until they are old enough to express their feelings on the matter. I don’t agree with child baptism, but I would be willing to let that go as long as they are not confirmed before they are at least teenagers. DH disagrees. I’m not comfortable with them making promises which they don’t completely understand and might not be able to keep. Sure, if I have some sort of religious savant for a kid, fine. They can be confirmed. But most kids are just too young when they are confirmed, IMO. What sort of choice are they making?

This is still something we will have to work on… basically, I’m fine if they decide to be Catholic, but I want it to be a real choice… no communion or confirmation before they are old enough to make that choice! Maybe you could work out a similar agreement re the sacraments? It’s probably easier in the Lutherian church because most of the sacraments are only given to older children who are more capable of rational thought!

Post # 30
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@VictoriaK1990:  we were having a civilized conversation, no need to be so rude and mocking. Nobody else was. 

Post # 31
Member
13903 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@VictoriaK1990:  Seriously? What the heck is your problem?  If you don’t have anything constructive to say, just back out of the thread instead of trying to stir up controversy. 

OP – there are ways to work around this, and I’m really glad you guys are receptive to compromise.  I’m RC, and DH is Jewish, and we’ve still managed to make it work.  FWIW, he comes to mass on Easter and Christmas with me, and looks up at a crucified Jesus for the entire time, and has never once said it makes him uncomfortable (and I’ve asked him specifically).  So while you may not believe, you can at least sit there and take in a spiritual moment, whether or not you follow the specific teachings of that church.  Good luck in hashing all of this out!

The topic ‘Religion….’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors