Post # 1
Hello there waiting bees,
My SO and I are both 24 and I am very likely moving to a different state so I can go to my top-choice graduate school. We have talked about getting married in the past and we get along really well so I want to keep him in my life.
He won’t give me a straight answer on if he will move with me or not. He said he will look for a job out there but will not move unless he has one lined up that is in his field. I understand this is logical but it is kind of hard for me to make plans (living arrangements etc) without knowing and it is driving me nuts not knowing if he will be in my life. Is it too idealistic of me to expect him to just make things work? I mean I am wondering if I should start pressing him to give me a more definitive answer or just accept the offer and see how things play out.
Full Disclosure: I was also invited to attend a decent in-state grad school but the out of state one is top-tier and just very hard to pass up such a great opportunity. My SO does not want me to make the decision based on him.
Post # 3
I understand that it’s disappointing that he won’t commit to going with you yet, that has to be frustrating and probably puts some doubts in your mind. That being said YES you should `100% accept, regardless of what he wants to do. Make your plans based on yourself and if he does choose to come out, then you will adjust your plans and living situation. Whatever needs to happen will and it will work out the way it is supposed to. And congratulations on getting accepted to what sounds like a fabulous school and good luck!!
Post # 4
Congratulations on getting into a great school!
I think you have made your decision wisely, and you should sit back and let your SO make his. You have decided to do what will be best for your future, and he is sensibly going to make sure he has a job lined up before he moves somewhere. It is so expensive to move that it is a good idea to have a source of income that can start immediately.
I hope he can get a job where you will be, but it may take a few months.
Be as nice to him as he was to you in letting him plan for a good future.
Post # 5
Go with your choice of schools. It might be awhile before he can join you, but if he doesn’t make the effort to try, you will have the answer you’ve been looking for as to how committed he actually is.
Post # 6
@grignardreagent: I think you should go to the top-tier school. Not to overgeneralize, but too often women are held back from their dreams by their SOs/FIs/DHs. Don’t be one of them. If he wants to make it work, he will find a way. I wouldn’t pressure him into giving you an answer.
Post # 7
@somethingaquamarine: I think you make a good point that some women are held back from their dreams but at the same time I think the OP needs to remember that whilst this is her dream it may not be her SO’s dream and her dream could hold him back.
A lot of people in this situation have LDR’s. Is that out of the question? Whilst it will be hard if it is the right relationship then you both will be willing to work hard to maintain it.
Post # 8
Go to the top-tier school. You’ve been given an amazing opportunity to go, so take it. If your SO is dedicated to your happiness and your future together, then he will get his act in gear and get out there with you, or you both will manage long-distance. But aiming low and accepting a less prestigeous offer is the sort of thing you very well might kick yourself for down the line.
In short, if you take care of yourself and your own goals, things will work out for you one way or the other. Do what he told you to do, and make the decision based on your goals, not him.
Post # 9
Definitely make the decision you for, not him. This is an opportunity not to be passed up!
Post # 10
I think you should go the top-tier school. It’s clearly best for you and your future.
As for your SO, I think you should cut the guy some slack. It’s a LOT to ask someone to quit whatever they’re doing to move somewhere where they don’t know anyone, don’t have a job, and have zero roots. I agree that he should go, but I think you should be open to him determining his own timeline. He wants to have all of his ducks in a row, too, and that’s not a bad thing. It means he’s looking out for his (and your) future, too.
If you guys need to do a LDR, then do it! It sounds like his biggest worry is finances – which seems like a pretty reasonable thing to be worried about. Once you guys get that figured out, he can move out there with you.
Post # 11
I just want to chime in and echo the PPs in saying congrats in getting accepted to that amazing school. You should definitely go. I can understand how your SO not giving you a definite answer is frustrating, but I think he’s wise to want something lined up in his field. Being uprooted and potentially forced into an unwanted job so you guys could be together could lead to resentment on his part, and poison the relationship. Give him some time. If he truly wants to make it work, he’ll find something, even if you have to LDR until he does! Good luck!
Post # 12
You have to make your decision solely based on what’s best for you, and the same applies to him. I realize it’s frustrating to not know, but you really need to let him take however long he needs, to make the decision that is best for him. You’re both still young, and uprooting your life for another person is a huge commitment and sacrifice.
Sounds like he’s trying to make sure you both don’t simply make a decision based on your relationship, or decide to do something so drastic for the other person. Go attend the school, and if he chooses to stay behind for now, just know that while LDRs are hard work, they can work, and when the time is right for a larger commitment, you can decide together what to do.
Post # 13
@grignardreagent: Congrats on grad school! I also moved out of state for grad school and my SO did not follow, but I didn’t take that as a sign of lack of committment. He is actually the one who told me I should go, or that we should at least try it for a year. We have been living apart for three years and are getting married this summer, so it can work. In the first couple of years we saw each other every 4-6 weeks, alternating who was doing the traveling (knowing that I would be gone X weekend or he would be here Y weekend made me manage my time better too). We were fortunate in that his boss did not mind if he teleworked a few days while he was out here and that our schedule was a little more flexible since we both weren’t in school (as opposed to couples who are both in school and have to stick to spring breaks, etc.)… and he could subsidize my airfare if necessary because he had a real job. I’m in a PhD program, so now that I’m no longer in classes it is easier for me to travel to him and I can go for a week or so at a time, which is nice since the flight is about 4-5 hours. It hasn’t been easy, but I do think it has strengthened our relationship. I think that if I had not gone back to school I would have always regretted it. I’ll add that I think it was helpful to me to be alone because the first couple of years in terms of coursework were a huge time committment.
FH has been looking for jobs where I am since last year, and actually had a phone interview today (fingers crossed!), but I will say that there haven’t been a lot of opportunities in his field here, so it has been a long and frustrating search. And while he has not been able to move to where I am now, he is willing to take a year off so that I can go do fieldwork. So, don’t sell yourself short and know that if it is important to both of you, it can work.
Post # 14
At this point I would plan to go alone if I were you… He’ll follow eventually!
Post # 15
I agree – plan to go as if you’re going alone and if he joins awesome. My Darling Husband and I actually broke up over something similar (he relocated, wouldn’t commit to me joining) and we ended up getting back together later.
Post # 16
@grignardreagent: Congratulations on your acceptance to an amazing school! I must ask, are you a Chemistry student? I got a little giddy when I saw your username b/c I am finishing O-Chem this semester! :o) hehe
My advice echos others in that you should take this opportunity and run with it! Things will fall into place. Wishing you the very best!