(Closed) Relocating SO won't commit to going with.

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
3729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

@grignardreagent: Here’s my advice, go to grad school. Grad school sucks. Being in a LD during grad school is a blessing. Especially if it is a tough program (trust me on this– I went to a top 5 grad program and had a very serious LD relationship and dated seriously close by– distance is a blessing)

Having a miserable bf who moved for you is a curse. They will make you guilty and it makes you suffer in school. Make it clear to him that you love him, you want to be with him, and you want to go to grad school. Say you want to go, would love him to follow him you, but are unwilling to stay behind at this stage of your relationship. Say you are willing to give distance your best shot and that at the end of school he can chose where to move.

FWIW–I know of 4 couples who were dating and not engaged when they started grad school. Only one of them is still together (married) today. Two of them moved across country and broke up after grad school and one broke up because of distance. It is hard, but all of the parties involved are happy they/their partern went to schoo l and allowed their relationship to get tested. 

Post # 18
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I don’t think you should expect him to just move for you just like he doesn’t expect you to stay for him.

Post # 19
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@grignardreagent:  First of all, congratulations on grad school! GS is no joke, but I’m sure you will do fine. Cool

As for your SO, if he honestly has a long-term vision for the two of you, then he will do his best to make it work – whether it be actively job searching or a committed LDR. However, this is something that cannot be rushed. If worst case scenario, he doesn’t follow and LDR won’t work, well, GS is the perfect place to meet new people – you definitely won’t be alone! 

Congratulations once again! 

Post # 20
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I was one of those women who put their life on hold for a man – a decision that I now regret deeply.

I waited around for my ex H for 5 years, basically ruining my career (we both worked in the same field).  He wouldn’t move out of his parents home and live with me until he was 30 and offered his ideal job in a different city.  Even then he nearly didn’t take it…and it should have been clear to me at the time that he made his decision based on what was best for HIM, not US.  And you know what, he was right!  

Over 10 years later, he’s successful in his career and I’m still taking minimum wage jobs, completely unrelated to the field I used to work in.  I would NEVER put my life on hold for anyone ever again! 

My Fiance and myself have been in a LDR for over 2 years now.  He has a job that he loves, and with the state of the economy at the moment, he can’t afford to give up.   We see each other for a couple of days evey 2 weeks on average.  Sometimes it is bloody hard and I resent it, but it is the way things need to be for awhile.  

Good luck with GS!

Post # 21
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should go by yourself.  It doesn’t sound like he is going to join you.  

Post # 22
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Baal:  Wow, that is intense! It’s sad how some men (generally speaking) have no issues leaving their SOs/spouses in the dust no matter the impact on the SO/spouse’s life. Best of luck to you with your LDR, and I hope things turn around for you on the job/career/business front.

To the OP and in general, I think that one of the best ways to assess whether you should do something or not is to imagine it being your hypothetical daughter having this issue/encountering this crossroads. What advice would you give her? I would tell her to go to her dream GS without hesitation!

Post # 23
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

You need to go and do what you need to do. Your SO will make the decision to follow or not. No matter what living arrangements you make, he can always join and there will always be a way. This is a lot of pressure to place on someone. I should know. I uprooted everything to move with my then Fiance. We have since gotten married, bought a house, and I have a great job, but at the time I moved for him after being freshly engaged, low paying part time job, and back into an apt after living in a house.

Post # 24
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

@grignardreagent:  Since Grad School is short term and finding a job is hard, I don’t totally blame him.  How long is your program?  Can you just live apart and then regroup after youre done?  Thats what I did during grad school and I honestly felt like the time apart was beneficial. 

Post # 25
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I put my life on hold and didn’t pursue a number of different dreams for two different guys when i was younger because I put them first. I wish I had seen their lack of committment for what it was or at least focused on myself while giving them a chance to do things without me making life easy for them. 

My 2c? Go to the top-tier school. If he doesn’t come a little while and you have to LDR for a while, then so be it. If he doesn’t come at all, then you know he was not that committed after all. 

I know it is really hard but you are young and should focus on your life and if he is a true partner he will support you and you’ll get through it whether he comes with you or not. 

Post # 26
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@grignardreagent:  If he’s telling you not to make a decision off of him don’t. though I wouldn’t any how. go to your top choice schol and just see what happens

Post # 27
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

When I went to grad school I ended up facing something similar, although the program here and the one far away were both top tier. I had other reasons for staying, mostly having to do with making connections and contacts here when I wanted to eventually work. That being said, my Fiance could not have followed me because of his grad school and we were totally prepared to do long distance for 2 years. Staying worked out ok for us because it was not a compromise for me and I do not regret it, but I definitely would not have made the decision to stay if the far away program was better.

My best friend made the decision to go away for grad school (across the country) and her Boyfriend or Best Friend didn’t follow. Three years later they are even closer than they were before and really appreciate being long distance since it gives them both lots of time for school. I have another friend whose boyfriend followed her, and they broke up within two months.

So basically, I think that regardless of your decision it will depend on your relationship. Long distance can work when the relationship is going to work, but either way don’t sacrifice what you want professionally.

Post # 28
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would go by yourself, and get an apartment you can afford on your own. If he joins you, great, you guys will have extra money for savings. If you do long distance or break up, you won’t be stuck paying on stuff you can’t afford.

Post # 29
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Congratulations!

I have several friends who relocated cross-country due to their SO’s job/school/etc. And all of them waited to relocate until they had a job in the new city. For some, this meant a few weeks, others, it meant a few months.

I actually relocated for Fiance too. But I relocated without a job. And while I don’t regret my decision, it definitely wasn’t easy those first few months when I didn’t know anyone in the city besides Fiance (who was working every day), and I was searching for a job, but just wasn’t finding one. So, my advice from someone who did it is, if finding a job first is important to him, let him go through that process in your current city before moving. Its so much harder to find one once you move, because the pressure to find one can become immense.

Also – Fiance and I were long distance for the first 1.5 years of our relationship, and it definitely strengthed our relationship.

FI’s best man is in the same situation as your are with his Girlfriend. She left their hometown for a great job opportunity, he hasn’t been able to move yet because he does’t have a job in the new city. So they are doing long distance, and it is working out just fine for them too.

Basically, I was just trying to say that there are a lot of options, don’t let this cloud your amazing grad school opportunity!

Post # 30
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@grignardreagent:  i’m sure i’ll catch flack for this, but here goes:

SO has parents living out of state (on the other side of the country) that own a small business. His mother has a job of her own.  His father started having some medical complications and was having trouble running his business.  SO came to me and told me he was going to move to help them out and wanted me to go with him.

Now, I had just taken my DREAM job a few months before.  Literally perfect. I would have retired in that company, no doubt in my mind, and made phenomenal money doing it. Anytime I thought about leaving it, I would immediately start crying.  SO told me that I needed to make a decision within a month so he could plan accordingly. I thought about it for a few weeks and decided that I’d take a chance and go with him, even though I was devastated about having to leave this job.  My rationale was that his fathers health was his priority and, having lost my dad at 16, I understood that and wanted to be supportive.  I also loved my SO so much and knew he was the one and my very best friend. So I turned in a months notice (and turned down several very nice salary increases not to leave) and off we went.

In the new state, I had to go back to bartending while I looked for new job. It sucked and I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. This career was THAT important to me.  I didnt know how i’d ever get over it and started to wonder if i’d done something dumb.

Get this: 2 months after we moved, my old company was bought out and *everyone* was laid off immediately. Everyone.

Now imagine if I had stayed. I would have let the love of my life move away from me so I could keep a job only to get laid off 2 months later and be left with nothing.

We lived there less than a year and moved back when his fathers health impoved. Upon returning, I got a job I dont love as much yet but its a much higher salary and it has afforded us alot of oppertunities. But obviously, I know I did the right thing: his family was SO greatful and loved me from the start for doing something like that for their son and for them, and SO constantly tells me how greatful he is that i gave up so much to help.

I’m not going to tell you how you should or shouldnt handle this situation, because when i was deciding whether or not to move *alot* of people tried to do that with me: “follow YOUR dreams” and “don’t short yourself for him!”  You have an in-state option, and if you are good at what you do, you will succeed no matter which school you choose. You have to as yourself if you can see your life without this young man in it. My advice is: go with your gut.

Post # 31
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

Do not under any circumstances turn down that top-tier school for your boyfriend. Leave his foolishness behind if you have to.

Now that my opinion on that is clear, I’ll also echo @pollywog. Being in an LDR during grad school is incredibly advantageous. 

Seriously, if he’s far away, no one will complain about what time in the wee hours of the morning you’re able drag yourself home to sleep, nor how absurdly early you drag yourself back to the office when the sun rises. Being long distance also means that you have an excuse once in a while to physically leave for the weeked and have pure fun, no work involved, when visiting your SO. The structure of grad school rewards people who work hard and play hard in this manner. 

I did it, and it was bizarrely helpful. While other grad students in my cohort were searching online for dates to soothe the lonliness or being called home at dinner time, I was working. Every few weeks, I took a break to have lots of hugs and sex and love. Then I got back to work.

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