(Closed) Reluctant to add myself to the Waiting list

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

Welcome and good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Welcome to the Hive, and I hope your time on the waiting list is very short! 

Post # 5
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Welcome! I think it’s normal to think about things. I bet it’s 50/50 of people who just “knew” and were madly in love. And, FWIW, there’s been a lot of articles recently that said that people who are thoughtful about the process and marry for the partnership and not necessarily the mad all the day passion, actually have very successful realtionships. Marriage is a big deal and people should not enter into it lightly.

That’s awesome that you seem so zen about the whole thing and that you’re understanding of your boyfriend’s feelings.

Post # 7
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years as well and I have been surprised how our relationship went from the ‘all day passion’ to more like a thoughtful, supportive friendship. We knew we were the ones for each other when we met, but I think as we’ve been together longer and become closer things have changed. Yes, we are very in love and enjoy being with each other, but I think in the long run not having the ‘all day passion’ and being more on the companion side keeps people together longer. Passion fades but friendship grows. I guess the key is finding someone you can be with everyday, and can’t imagine being without. The passion in the beginning is what brings people together, but having a solid ‘friendship’ and knowing each other while being thoughtful and compassionate keeps couples together. I’ve known several people to get engaged/married quickly because the first few months of their relationship were so passionate and exciting, only to call off the engagement/marriage after the passion had died down and they realized on a day to day basis, they had nothing to fall back on.I don’t know if this was helpful, but it’s just what I think!

Post # 8
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@BeingaBee:

Hi there, i am relatively new on here as well and i have the similar thinking as you on marriage. i am checking out the book and the website.

Post # 9
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

I did this too! I was exactly in the same place as you… I just added myself about a month ago… If I would have added myself at the beginning I’d have been UP there, hahaha! I’ve been around for almost a year now and totally regret not adding myself sooner. You definitely should.

“He is worried about whether people should always feel madly in love – like everyday all day.  I think it is normal to have times where one feels sort of “meh” and then there are other days where you feel elated”

YES! This is true and I had a very, very difficult time coming to grips with it. I’ve realized that you cannot sustain a healthy relationship if you felt head over heels in love all the time. That crazy love feeling is slowly replaced by companionship, trust, and just “knowing”. When I finally learned this, it improved our relationship greatly.

Welcome! Hope you enjoy the boards ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 10
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

“Madly in love” is more of a chemical feeling based on your first attraction to each other, usually within about 2 years of meeting/starting to date.  It’s that new, fresh infatuation.  It’s supposed to fade a little, over time, and be replaced by the “we’re in this together – I’ve seen you with the stomach flu/food poisioning” kind of love.  This is why many relationships don’t make it past the 2-year mark, as you start seeing each other with less rose-colored glasses, and have a more rational assessment of each other, and you realize whether you really even like each other, let alone love each other.   Another red-letter time is around 7 years and 10-12 years – people change as time passes, and it IS normal to worry how you will weather those changes.  Not being prepared for them early is one reason there are so many divorces and affairs these days.  Also, age has a lot to do with it.  Since your SO is in his mid-30s, he’s more likely to be ready for marraige (on average) than a guy in his early 20s.

Long lasting relationships have to work at maintaining some of the butterflies-in-the-stomach feelings, while you build a common set of goals for each other, a joy in the sucess of the other, a shared hope for the future… This does not mean you are not madly in love – just that the “new” feeling won’t last, and it’s not supposed to.  There is nothing wrong with “meh” days.  You can’t have a constant “high” of happiness.  You actually NEED bad days, dull days and so on to make the wonderful days stand out.  After several years together, it’s very easy to get bogged down into the “pay the bills , go to work, go to sleep” hum drum of life, and it takes time and effort put into each other to keep the relationship running (this is espscially true after kids).   Also, it’s normal for one person to have more time/energy and inlcination to make this effort than the other.

Crazy-in-love is a feeling that can be all some people equate with love, full of feel-good brain chemicals and can be addictive for those people and they become serial daters (at best, and serial cheaters at worst) seeking out the new, fresh feelings as they have not yet learned to develop and accept the quite, calm, sustaining kind of love you find in couples celebrating golden anniversaries. 

It’s normal for people to worry about what happens when the fuzzy warm feelings fade a little, when you realize you’d really like a day alone now and then, and yo gave up doing something you liked to spend more time woth your SO, and now want to get back into it.  Long lasting love and understanding each othre’s needs will help you pass these hurdles, and keep going. Just beacsue I like some of the evenings when my Boyfriend or Best Friend works and I have the run of the house doens’t mean I don’t love him – it’s just a nice change to be able to do a few things I can’t with him there, even if it’s housework like mopping.

I hope this helps you when talking to your Boyfriend or Best Friend about his worries.  Ladies are often ready for marraige before their men, so just wait your best, post on here and I’m sure he’ll take the next steps before you know it. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 11
Member
5371 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada โ™ฅ EDD- April 2016

Welcome! (: I hope you don’t have to be on the list for very long ๐Ÿ˜‰

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