(Closed) Remembering those we’ve lost

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

While I understand the sentiment (I always love the section of the Oscars where they have the slide show of all the entertainment folks who died in the past year) I think it is really not appropriate for your wedding!  Everybody is supposed to be celebrating your special day, and I would think that this really takes away from it. 

Maybe during the ceremony you could have a moment of silent prayer, with officiant asking for remembrance for those who can’t be with you, including listing a select few by name (like Mr. Puffy’s father, and some of the closer relatives).  And certainly you can include pictures of Mr. Puffy’s dad (and Mr. Puffy with his dad, or with select friends and relatives who have passed away) in a slideshow of past pictures of the two of you?  I would try to do it in this context.  I assume that everyone who has passed away did have a funeral or memorial service, which is the appropriate time for people to cry over their passing – not at your wedding!

Its hard if this is his one request – I certainly understand that.  But its also really hijacking your event, so if it was me I would veto the memorial slide show.

Post # 4
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Also – you can explain to him that the favor is not so much a gift to your guests – its more like a remembrance of the wedding for your guests or a symbolic thank you for their good wishes for you, as demonstrated by their taking up an afternoon or evening to be with you. 

I have to say that I personally do not like the idea of a donation in my name, unles its to a charity that has some meaning to me.  I have a friend who always makes a donation to the ASPCA in my name, which is wonderful as I am a big animal rights advocate.  But making a donation "in my name" to a charity that is important to you is in general a little offensive to me.  Just go ahead and donate on your own…

Post # 5
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2007 - Westbury Manor

I also must agree with suzanno.  It’s fine to include photos of his father but to have an entire slideshow devoted to those that are no longer with us is a bit morbid for wedding.  I think a silent moment of prayer would be nice.  At our wedding, we had a candle lit for Mr. Violet’s mother and a frame next to it letting our guests know the significance of the prayer candle. 

As for donations for charity.. I’m only okay with a donation in my name if I like the charity.  There are one or two that Mr. Violet and I aren’t a fan of, so if it was chosen it might not fare well with us, even though we know it’s all with good intentions.

Post # 6
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2007 - Westbury Manor
Post # 7
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

I totally agree with the above.  I think a slideshow showing both of you from when you were little to growing up, to meeting each other, to getting engaged, etc. would be great and maybe you could include photos of him with those loved ones he lost; but putting together an entire slideshow of just deceased loved ones is not approrpiate for a wedding and it is too morbid.  There are more subtle ways to remember those lost loved ones without it taking over the entire event. 

I think you can still have a remembrance without it turning into a complete "in memoriam" slideshow.  Maybe have a small corner with framed photos of those you lost with a candle and a little note about them being there "in your hearts" — that will be more subtle and will be something people will see in passing, rather than having to sit through a sad video.

I am also not a huge fan of donations as favors.  To be honest I have always found it to be a little showy, like "look at how nice we are."  Not that it is ever the intention, I realize it is meant to be a nice gesture of charity (and I don’t mean to offend anyone who has done this or who will be doing this), but my feelings on giving are that it is a private choice that should remain private, and it does not need to be flaunted.  I will continue to give to charities that I want to give to without making a public announcement about it or relating it to my wedding day.  If you’re going to give, then by all means give, but why does it have to be in honor of your wedding guests?  I just don’t really get this trend.

I like favors that have some use or are edible; or I have been to a handful of weddings with no favors at all.   

Post # 8
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

We’re doing red/pink roses on the altar for those who have died or are too sick to join us, and we’ll have something in the program explaining what they’re for. They’ll stand out too since our colors are black and white and silver.

Post # 9
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I like jma19s idea with the roses.  If you have a memorium in the church, that might also (depending upon the location) encourage people to make a small donation in honor of the deceased. 

You also may want to ask your FI’s mom what she would think.  My FI’s father died three weeks before he asked me to marry him.  I know he still misses his dad, and we included his name in the engagement announcement (son of the HisMother’sName and the late HisFather’sName), and I had been googling invitation wording to try to figure out how to appropriately include him.  But when we presented the choices to his mom, she indicated she wanted her name only.  She said quite frankly she is only just getting to where she gets through the day without being sad, and she will be sad enough at our wedding that he can’t be there without having to see his name on the program. I would not have predicted that response at all, so I’m pretty glad we asked.

Post # 10
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

As sweet as it is I don’t find it appropriate to do it like you would the wedding slideshow – a few reasons, 1 – it will be hard to hold their attention through two of those (assuming you are having one of you two) and 2 – it’s going to really throw people off and make them feel like they are at a memorial service (at least that’s how I’d feel.)

I’m setting up a seperate table at my reception, so it will be up all night and right when people walk in, with a framed photo and name plte for each loved one gone. I will have candles and a dozen white roses on the table as well. My church is so huge, no one would see it there, so we opted for the reception hall.

You could do this, and possibly if your venue has a tv/dvd player you could set it on the table or near it playing this slideshow. Out of the way, if he’s determined to have it, though even there I think people will be really confused…

I don’t think in anyway it’s ok to show it during dinner or anything. It’s supposed to be a ahappy occasion – maybe the picture frame thing will suffice for him and be a good compromise? I bought mine, plain pine, at Ikea, and I will paint them to suit the wedding colors.

 

Good luck.

 

Post # 11
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

I agree with all of the above, it really isn’t a good time for a really sad slide show and a lot fo people there will not know any of them anyway. 

We are remembering our grandparents and loved ones by reserving seats at the ceremony for them, as if they were there. I’m not quite sure how we are going about this but maybe a pew in front but an area no one really sits in. Possibly with small cards that say "reserved in memory of ….." 

I also like the idea of roses on the altar or a moment of silence.  

 

Post # 12
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2006

 

I, too, want to remember a lost loved one.  My brother passed away almost 3 years ago, the last wedding in the family was his, 5 weeks before he passed.  So, I know that he will be on our minds that day.  I also want my family to be able to enjoy the moment, but of course, memories will resurface.  I ordered a cande that says "In Loving Memory of ….name…. He’s present in our hearts"  We will be lighting it during the ceremony, along with our unity candle.  We will have a small beautiful picture of him beside the candle.  I feel it is a special way to include and honor my brother, without a funeral feel to it.  Good Luck!

Post # 13
Member
14 posts
Newbee

My cousin got married last august and both her and her fiances grandparents had died. They got married in the country in an old farm house (it was beautiful) in front a fire place and so they placed pictures of those who had passed on the mantle behind them

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