Post # 1
I need some help…..
I was engaged in March 2009, and started to plan our wedding for May 2010. . We booked everything. From the venue, florist, even cake, my wedding gown and bridesmaids dresses. So at this point not only was our money put out, but also monies from the Mother of the Bride ($1000 deposit for Venue) and bridesmaids dresses. Every deposit had been made and date reserved. Then my fiance got laid off and our taxes on our home nearly doubled. We put the house on the market right away. It didn’t sell as quickly as we hoped. My Fiance decided to join the United States Army, we felt it the only option to secure a paycheck as we couldn’t afford for him to go to school. And the work he knew how to do, there is none because of the economy. This was a very tough decision as he joined for 5 years. So not only did he join, but in a way I joined too. I would be leaving my family and friends for the next 5 years. We decided that it would be best to be “married” priot to him leaving for basic training. We threw a very small intimate wedding together in 2 weeks time, with the plans of still having our big day in 2010 and reception, which would double as a going away party for us. We had our wedding(civil ceremony) at my mothers house and only immediate family were in attendance. Our invitations to this ceremony included that we were not expecting gifts as we would still be having our wedding next year. (No one brought gifts, just as we asked) Well now I am alone, my husband is in Georgia in training and we have no communication except letters at this point.
My husbands family claims I can not have a bridal shower, because I simply “missed the boat” and that it’s embarassing to invite their family to a wedding when we are already married. What am I going to do? Pretent i’m not?
This was always the plan to have our wedding this year, the big one, in a church, with a reception and all of our family and friends. Real photography etc. We have had to cut down DRASTICALLY as we were unable to save as much money as we originally thought because of the sale of our house. We unfortunately had to change venues. As we are unable to get the $1000 deposit back, my mother and bridesmaids decided to throw me a bridal shower so we would not be out the money. When I say Bridal Shower, i mean “wedding” shower, Whatever you’ll call it. It’s a party to shower the bride with gifts prior to a wedding celebration (as I am now having in April)
Am I wrong in having a renewal of vows in front of god? In a Church? Is my Bridal Party wrong in wanting to give me every experience that I deserve being a “Bride”? I have given up so much to be with my husband, even the simple fact i have spent the last 3 months alone. Please help….?
Post # 3
NO!!! You are so not wrong and honey, this is so not uncommon in the military! It’s very common for couples to do a civil service before training/deployments and then have the big wedding later. I think that the military lifestyle is a very unique one and I’ve learned that you may as well get used to the fact that the army is now the other “wife” and calls a lot of the shots ha. You have to learn how to be flexible and put things into perspective. You deserve your big day and you should have it; unfortunately, many people don’t understand the military and I’m so sorry that your family isn’t as supportive as they should be. I’m a very traditional and conservative bride and so is my Fiance but when it came time for deployment, I realized that I wanted my Fiance to not only see my gown but me in it (we’re getting married when he gets back). Everyone thought we were crazy and breaking tradition/bad luck but we had to keep telling ourselves that this is right for us and our family came around. It turned out to be very special and something that neither of us will forget. Relax and remember that you deserve this and just talk with them and hopefully as you all experience being an army family, everything will fall into place.
On another note, being away from your sweetie can be very hard, especially with limited communication. I can tell you that it doesn’t get easier and the pain doesn’t get any less but you do learn how to keep moving on and find ways to still be happy and get through. I’m going into our 4th month of deployment and it hurts just as much as it did when he left. The good thing is that I’m still in school and it helps A LOT to have something to focus on. The days go faster and I have a purpose. I work out and I’ve also realized that we are so lucky because personally, I’ve never had a “me” in a relationship, it’s always been an “us” and I’ve learned to appreicate and support myself and that’s invaluable. I have an independance and the confidence that I can have my life while also having our blended lives. Make sense? You also will develop a bond that is so strong and you will never take a each for granted. Writing letters can never replace hearing their voice or seeing them but it can be fun! I love sending letters and cards and they mean so much to him. Take pictures of everything!! I am also so proud of my Fiance, no matter how I feel about the lifestyle. Keep your chin up, it’ll get better the more you put in your time! And you are right, you essentially are just as much a part of this as he is and that can be a good thing! Get involved with other military wives. It’s so nice having someone around to talk to that knows just what you’re feeling.
I hope this helps and good luck to you!! Please message me if you EVER need anyone to talk to! *hugs*
Post # 4
No you’re definitely not wrong! Your husbands family is being very rude in my opinion. My husband and I did the exact same thing, we had a small legal marriage with just family and friends and we’re having our “big wedding” next march. It was just easier that way b.c he is in the navy and we’re moving to our new station in april. A lot of people wont understand, b.c honestly they have no idea what military life is like if they haven’t lived it! I think I, and you, deserve a wedding and shower just like any other bride! Sorry his family is being so rude about it 🙁 you didn’t get gifts at your marriage why can’t you get them at your wedding??!?
Post # 5
My cousin and her first husband did this. They had a small wedding a year prior so that she could get on his insurance. Then when he came home they had this big wedding in a church and all. We did a shower too. I wouldn’t worry about it. Maybe call it a celebration of the two of you or something.
My dad and Step-mom had a holiday party a year later at their house to celebrate the holidays but also their wedding.
Post # 6
You totally deserved the bridal shower–EFF what everyone else says! I would’ve done the same thing if I were in that situation; (un)fortunately FH is already in the military /:
Don’t be down on yourself; you did what any sensible person did–you compromised. A LOT. Just enjoy the time you and your hubby have together and don’t let others’ comments get to you! You definitely need whatever happiness you are able to get; some people are just too inconsiderate! Its such a shame his family was giving you a hard time; to think, they should be the last people on earth you would expect it from ):
hope everything turns out okay!
Post # 7
Thanks to you all! This has all made me feel so much better about the whole situation. Because the bottom line is, I didn’t ask for their opinion, they just gave it. It was rude and classless and wasn’t going to change anything. So the point of it was to deliberately hurt my feelings. And I do believe this will be very hard to overcome. I’m actually excited to be moving away now…!
Post # 8
Hey girls. So I’m in a similar but not similar situation if that makes sense! lol My hubby (in the Marines) and I got married because we were told he was going to be deploying. We did it for two reasons. 1 health insurance. and the main one 2. to play it safe. God forbid something were to happen to him we wanted to make sure I had rights to see him, take care of anything finacially etc. Everyone was and is exited for us and thinks it was a great idea. I’m just upset because I don’t think the people who should be making a big deal about it are and it’s like they just dont’ want to take me seriously about having a big wedding, the wedding I dreamed about. I already have my wedding dress too because prior to getting married we were engaged. So we are now trying to plan a wedding for this October. I live in CA and allll my family and friends live on the east coast and my husbands family lives in Oklahoma. So idk how to do anything! I have to handle everything on my own and with my husband. Idk how I’ll have a bridal shower (if I will at all, that’s obviously up to whoever throws it). It’s stressful and sometimes upsetting BUT I wouldn’t take anything back because my husband is absolutely wonderful and reassures me everyday how thrilled he is to call me his wife and he still can’t wait to see me walk down the aisle. So you didn’t do anything wrong minimac! Congratulations too by the way 🙂
Does anyone know how we could even do a wedding though, now that we are married? Is it a renewal of vows? Can we just have a normal wedding ceremony just switch up the lingo?…FYI we’re not having it in a church!
Post # 9
MrsErin – For your first marriage… was it a civil ceremony?? We are getting re-married in a methodist church in April. Our invitations were worded “join us in a celebration of love as we renew our vows before god” our first ceremony was in a garage by a reverand just a civil ceremony. So maybe you should just approach it as a renewal of vows/formal ceremony….?!?
Its most definitely hard planning everything on your own. I tell my mom all the time, I almost miss being ignored. Haha. My husband (when we were originally planning a year ago…) would ignore my questions suggestions thoughts about the wedding. He said it was up to me, and he dind’t care….whatever I wanted. But it was nice to at least have him there to say that… LoL. But i totally understand your getting married prior just incase. We actually had a house that we were trying to sell, and having an extremely hard time…so we got married so if it didn’t sell we could afford it still with the housing allowance and seperation pay. You and I both have sacrificed a LOT, and we both deserve our BIG day that we have dreamt of our entire lives. And if some people do or don’t want to be a part of it and support us, then let them live with their decisions….I’m sure they’ll regret them someday.
Where will you be getting married? East Coast? CA? Or OK? Just wondering because I could only imagine it’s even harder to plan a wedding away from where you are living.
Thank you, and Congrats to you too!!!
Post # 10
I am in the same situation SORT OF… with the wedding re-do CHURCH STYLE.
ive googled and googled and found ettiquite sites that say that is soooo wrong to do this..
HOWEVER the girls on the bee and talking to family about my concerns has really helped .. its our life and anyone that LOVES US will be happy to be there and to help out if its what WE want.. wheter were already married and re-doing it with the same person OR NOT.
just go on with it, enjoy it the way you want to enjoy. you spend the loads of $$ to do it.. do it RIGHT!
Post # 11
Trust me ladies, we aren’t the only ones in the world who has a second wedding!!!!! I went to pick out the tuxedo’s at a formal wear shop the other day. And he said about 85% of Military weddings are second weddings!!!!!!!!!! Also, people do it for all other reasons…. if you can’t afford the wedding that you want when You feel you need to be married and then later on have the big wedding. I don’t see anything wrong with it! Especially since we did NOT ask for any gifts at our first wedding and we didn’t have bridal shower/bachelorette parties….etc. What is the difference?? They would be attending either way…..married already or not.
Post # 12
this all makes me feel 100% better! thanks minimac! it’s funny we both gave advice and helped each other out. i want to comment on everything you said but i would be here all day just agreeing haha i like the idea of saying “celebrating our love etc.” because that was another concern i had like how do i word what the event is?! are i mean everyone understood why we did it but i just found out yesterday when my husband was printing out wedding info (he’s excited about this all) his coworkers were like “oh man why are you guys even having a wedding? you already got married.” “that’s a waste of money” “its not even important anymore.” shit like that and that really bothered me! poor brandon is like one of the few guys actually telling the BRIDE to be about details he’s interested in and he’s getting crap for it lol but we want to do it for the meaning of it. ive dreamed of walking down the aisle and my mom already bought my dress and it was very expensive! I’m glad you realized that this day is for YOU and your HUBBY! Not you and alllll the guests, yes it would be nice to have them there but for the ones who choose not to attend or take part in the planning, skrew ’em!Oh and I can’t believe that the guys at the tux place said that!!! How comforting! I’ve only met one person who did what we were doing, I didn’t know how common it is! I love not feeling alone on it.
Oh and we got married in the courthouse! I can’t believe what your inlaws said though! You didn’t miss the boat! It’s not embarassing really, you both are in love got married and are planning an actual big day to show everyone how in love you are, what’s embarassing about that? Ya know I will say that both my parents and my inlaws are happy for us and support us they do give off the vibe they wish we wouldn’t have a wedding. I think they feel like we shouldn’t spend the money or whatever. They haven’t said that but I’m going to have a talk with my family and have him talk to his to get to the bottom of it.
Well we are getting married in CA! Can’t wait but it’s def. hard and sad at times planning it without my girl friends. Your man should have joined the Marines!! You could be living in California! We could wedding plan together hahaha