- 1 year ago
I guess I have been thinking about this a lot lately because when your getting married all of these things come up that I would traditionally be doing with my mom like picking out a dress, planning the wedding and just the general excitement that families typically share when someone is getting married.
My relationship with my mom has always been rocky. We are so incredibly different from each other but I have always felt that it shouldn’t get in the way of us having a normal parent/child adult relationship. When I was a teenager any positive relationship between us was out of the question for a number of reasons and it was at the point when I was younger where I thought I hated her wanted her out of my life for good. There were a lot of reasons for my feelings I still feel to this day were justified, but I have my own life now and have moved passed everything and forgiven her for her mistakes and just want to move on from the drama while continuing to have her in my life. We never stopped talking completely, but we haven’t had regular contact in well over 7 years. I would text her occasionally, and we would visit a couple times a year but thats it. As far as I know there isn’t some big lasting resentment on her side, its just seems that we haven’t been active parts of each others lives.
Here is where it gets complicated, her life has been a huge struggle for as long as I have known her. My dad was an alcoholic and treated her like absolute garbage, emotionally and physically abused her throughout my childhood. We were always dirt poor, she had a rough childhood with an extreme religious background and came from a incredibly poor family, has suffered from sexual assault as a child. In her adult life she struggled with multiple drug addictions including meth. She didn’t complete high school, never had a job as we were growing up and as far as I know has not been able to hold job since. My parents have since separated and she has a new boyfriend who she says treats her very well, she appears to be sober, she has started working on a job training program so she can get certified for a decent paying job. Things seem to be improving.
Despite my upbringing, the people I was around, the garbage lifestyle, I have always felt outside of it all, I love my family but I knew from a very young age that I was not the type of person that had any belonging in that lifestyle. I have never been a fan of drugs or alcohol, I have never felt right getting sucked into heated arguments with yelling and breaking things, I don’t like cheap food, I don’t like cheap clothing. I have always liked high end fashion and make-up. I was an introvert and enjoyed reading and video games. I felt like I was born into someone else family. Throughout my childhood my mom would tell me I was stuck-up, selfish, criticized me for thinking I was better then others and would frequently try to bring me down in subtle ways even though I was a shy quite kid who never said anything mean or ever tried to put others down. I have never been mean to her, never insulted her or called her trash or told her she was stupid. She acts like she thinks she knows thats what I think of her just because I aspired for a better life. We had arguments but for the most part growing up I did what she said, I treated her with respect and was nice to her. When I got my first paycheck at 16 the first thing I did was take my entire family out to sushi, going out to eat somewhere that wasn’t fast food was something we had never done before. I had tried to buy her things and take her places but it always just felt awkward. As I got older and I moved out we drifted apart more and more. The last couple years directly following my parents separation have been particularly hard for her since she was homeless living in her car. At one point she came to me and asked to move in with me, at the time I was living with a bunch of roommates and my little brother who had just turned 18, I was trying to help him get on his feet and stay away from drugs and alcohol which is was susceptible too. Because of that, the fact I didn’t have a lot of money myself, was still in college, and suspected she was doing hard drugs and hanging out with people who did hard drugs, and frankly didn’t trust her, I told her I was sorry but I couldn’t let her move in with me. That was a rough moment for us because I knew she was homeless and that she wouldn’t be able to find a job. I wanted to keep my brother away from her so that he wouldn’t be around people doing hard core drugs, and I didn’t have the time or resources to help her. I strongly felt like I was making the right call for myself and my little brother.
I don’t know if she holds that against me. Now, her life seems stabilized, my life is on the right track and I am about to get married. I care about her and want her in my life and to be apart of this happy time, but I also don’t know how to get that to happen. I don’t know what I am expecting to get out of this but I just wanted to see what people thought. Thank you for reading.