(Closed) Replacing FSIL As Bridesmaid?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

There is no planet where asking her to step down will lead to a happy relationship with her in the future. So, ya know, be aware of that. Likely its going to make your life very rough for a very long time. To complicate this, its going to effect your relationship with the rest of your ILs as well.

Pretty much unless she was butchering the neighbors dog and leaving it in my bed for me I would probably seriously avoid kicking her out of your bridal party.

ETA: I also think you need to rein your expectations way in. Especially around her pregnancy plans since she literally has zero way of knowing when and if she will be able to become pregnant. I’d be annoyed as shit if someone kept asking me when I would be pregnant as I literally could not even begin to hazard a guess.

Post # 3
Member
7804 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Do not ask her to step down. This person is going to be your sister, please dont alienate her.

You also do not get to dictate when she gets pregnant. You don’t need to know her plans. She doesnt need to tell you. It might be nice if you actually talked to her about her wanting to be a mom/parent rather than just how it effects your wedding.

She also does not need to be jumping off the walls for you. So she doesnt reply. Then things get planned without her. You dont need to keep hounding her. If she can’t make the plans work then its her own fault.

Overall, you sound like youre very much in BRIDE mode, and have totally slipped out of friend/sister in law mode. Try taking off the bride hat for a while and remember that your wedding is 1 day.

Post # 4
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

For the life of me I can’t understand creating unnecessary drama by asking a Future Sister-In-Law to ‘step down’ from the bridal party for the alleged crime of not showing enough enthusiasm for your wedding. If you’re ‘very much a family person’ as you say, you’ll chill the fuck out and stop monitoring her Facebook activity. She does respond to you, just often ‘several days later’ aka not fast enough for your liking. And if she is pregnant during your wedding, she can choose a dress similar to your other BMs that accommodates her baby bump, right now she doesn’t know so it makes sense not to choose her dress yet. 

Post # 5
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
jenn91 :  tbh I can’t stand people who watch what I’m posting and ask why I haven’t responded to them yet. I mean, wtf. Back off. She has a child, a life, she’s busy.

i get that she’s bad about communicating, but this seems to be something you knew when you asked her. 

I don’t see asking her “to step down” (from this high honor?) going well, but if you want to risk the relationship, go for it. 

If I were you, I’d make decisions and text her or email – whatever her preferred form of communication. If she doesn’t do it, that’s on her. But don’t sit there counting what she’s posting in FB and getting mad that her life doesn’t revolve around your FB messages. 

Her pregnancy schedule is none of your business. Seriously. She’s a grown woman. 

 

Post # 6
Member
6349 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
jenn91 : Initially she was trying to plan her pregnancy around our wedding, “I want to have the kid before so I can lose the baby weight” but then changed her tune to “I’ll most likely be pregnant for the wedding” to now “I don’t know what my plan is… you’ll just have to wait and see”. It’s incredibly irritating.”

I’m sorry but this really rubbed me the wrong way. She doesn’t have to make up her mind about children right now because you’re getting married. Ever think that maybe she’s having trouble TTC and your constant questions about when she’s going to be pregnant are making her feel shitty and really uncomfortable? Just pick a dress and if and when she becomes pregnant you can cross that bridge then. 

I get how annoying her slow responses can be. But it seems like that’s just the way she is. Maybe she isn’t as excited about your wedding as you want her to to be. You have a Maid/Matron of Honor and other BMs that are excited though. So be happy for that. 

I don’t see how kicking your Future Sister-In-Law out of your wedding is going to do anything but cause a lot of drama. This isn’t some friend you can cut out of your life. This woman is going to be around forever. 

Post # 7
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

I’d let it alllllll slide. She’s going to be your sister. The communications have probably felt a bit overwhelming to her. I’d just back off and not expect her to be very involved in the planning. That doesn’t mean she has bad intentions, just that she isn’t into planning.

View original reply
slomotion :  Haha well said.

Post # 8
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

It is not worth it at all to (probably irreparably) damage your relationship with your future sister in law just because you don’t think she’s excited enough about your wedding.  And to expect her to plan her pregnancy around your wedding is so self-absorbed.  You need to realize that other people’s lives don’t revolve around YOUR wedding.

Post # 9
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I wouldn’t ask her to step down. While it seems that she may not be the best with communication, everything else that you mentioned is either none of your business or none of your concern. The dress appointment would be annoying but it doesn’t sound like she ever even said she was going to be there to begin with. Group dress appointments are honestly pretty awful. I don’t think anyone really enjoys them. It just puts pressure on bms to conform to the majority when it comes to budget/style/etc. her pregnancy is literally NONE of your business and her being pregnant really shouldn’t limit your dress choices very much at all. Her only obligation is to show up on the day wearing the dress. That’s it. Everything else is completely optional so I would lower your expectations quite a bit.  

Post # 12
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
jenn91 :  I feel really bad for you. I have a bigger bridal party and I have had this happen to me also. I didnt ask anyone to step down but one bridesmaid did drop out due to money and frankly lack of interest. She didnt seem to want to buy the dress LOL So weird.  It is a hard situation. I always thought when I got married people would be excited for me. However, people are really rude and jello sometimes. I do not think you should kick her out though because it will probably cause more drama. I would not do anything about it unless she says she wants out etc. I would just try to work with her even though its hard. She sounds really rude and self absorbed. When you agree to be in someone’s wedding you know that you are suppose to buy the dress plan the shower and attend the bachelorette , rehearsal and wedding. I dont know why some people agree to wedding party if they cant do most of these or even just respond about it lol I feel for you. You will get through it though. I wouldn’t kick her out though even if shes rude. You will look like the better and bigger person by putting up with her crazy. Good Luck!

Post # 13
Member
6349 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
jenn91 :  So…it sounds like you actually like her and have a good relationship with her. I’m very confused as to why you’d want to kick her out of your wedding over a some late responses to text messages and her refusal to decide one way or the other about her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress. She’s obviously just not very excited about your wedding/it isn’t a big priority for her. It happens. If you have a question that you actually NEED a response to…pick up the phone and ask her! Stop texting/Facebook messaging. That should help solve the problem. 

I guarantee kicking her out of the wedding will completely ruin your relationship and cause lots of unnecessary drama. There are lots of Bees on here who have had less than enthusiastic BMs, yet still somehow the weddings were a success. 

Post # 14
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

What types of things are you emailing or messaging about once or twice a month that you require responses on? I often didn’t hear from one of my sisters when I asked thier rare opinion on things basically just cause she didn’t care. Even on things that she thought she might have, or affected her like what I was thinking for bridesmaids dresses or the hair and makeup people I wasn’t hiring.  She just didn’t have any input so she stayed quiet. That’s no crime. 

Your update doesn’t really add much explanation. Just know that asking her to step down is a grenade into your relationship with your sister in law and in laws. There’s no coming back from that. Unenthusiasm is not a worthy crime to throw that grenade. 

Post # 15
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Is she normally like this? My first thought when you complained about her changing pregnancy timetable is that they’re having trouble trying to conceive, and maybe she’s going through an emotional time dealing with it. Otherwise it could be that her life in general is going through some tough times, and both her apparent flakiness and the changing timetable are related to something else completely separate from your wedding.

I’ve seen people that I’ve known for years seemingly turn into flakes, and down the road you find out that they were going through something major (depression/anxiety issues, a health crisis they didn’t feel comfortable sharing, miscarriage, trouble conceiving, trouble in their marriage, etc), and people’s backlash only made things worse. Tread lightly–ideally your Future Sister-In-Law will be in the picture for the rest of your life, so you don’t want to make things worse.

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