Post # 1
Hi ladies! I asked my Future Sister-In-Law to be a bridesmaid a few months ago. She never seemed excited at all. Over the last couple of months, I’ve started to become irritated with her lack of acknowledgement towards the wedding and overall disinterest in communicating with me and FI’s family in general.
Getting her to respond is like waiting for pigs to fly. I’ve texted/called her and my other bridesmaids about various things (dress ideas, hair and makeup plans, etc.) and my Maid/Matron of Honor is planning the shower and the bachelorette party. Most of the time she won’t respond AT ALL. If she does respond it’s DAYS later after everyone else has already responded. It’s particularly irritating when some of the communication takes place in a Facebook group for the bridal party and I see her posting MULTIPLE times a day with various selfies and pictures and videos of her daughter and responding to comments but she can’t even write/call me or Maid/Matron of Honor back. I’m currently waiting for her to respond to my MOH’s message about the bachelorette party and I texted her last week and have not heard anything back. I can see that she has in fact read the messages (texts, Facebook group posts) but has not responded. I feel bad for my Maid/Matron of Honor because she has enough on her plate to worry about other than my Future Sister-In-Law.
I tried to organize a day where all of the girls could try on dresses so they could have input (one of the things Future Sister-In-Law was eager to do) and she blatantly lied to my in-laws and to everyone else that she was never informed of this. Then when she was caught in her lie, she said “Well, if I had known a time and date, I would’ve made more of an effort to be there.” The appointment information (date, time and location) was sent out well before through the Facebook group and as a follow-up text message. I never heard a word from her. She has also expressed her plans to become pregnant soon and I’m also trying to follow up with her as to what her plans are so I can try and accomodate her with the dress. I would love to have all the girls in the same dress and that limits the choices if she does end up pregnant for our wedding. Initially she was trying to plan her pregnancy around our wedding, “I want to have the kid before so I can lose the baby weight” but then changed her tune to “I’ll most likely be pregnant for the wedding” to now “I don’t know what my plan is… you’ll just have to wait and see”. It’s incredibly irritating.
My Fiance and I have addressed our concerns (he thinks how she acts is ridiculous too) with her on multiple occasions and she always responds with “I’ll try to be better about replying”. My in-laws are also irritated with her lack of communication with them and think that I should replace her if things don’t improve. I thought I was doing something nice by including her in the wedding party because her husband (FI’s brother) and her daughter are and I’m very much a family person and saw this as another way to strengthen the relationship with them.
Do I have another conversation with her about this and kindly ask that she step down as a bridesmaid? I totally understand that life gets busy but to ignore someone is just totally rude. I don’t believe that the texts/calls/messages are excessive at all. Once or twice a month I’ll send something out to the girls to check in and give updates as some are out of state. Everyone else is quick to respond and seems really excited about the wedding. Her, not so much. I know, like everyone always says on here, that my wedding is not as important to everyone else as it is to Fiance and I, but I would just like her to acknowledge messages and calls every so often and not be MIA. I don’t need the stress.
Thanks for your help!
Post # 2
There is no planet where asking her to step down will lead to a happy relationship with her in the future. So, ya know, be aware of that. Likely its going to make your life very rough for a very long time. To complicate this, its going to effect your relationship with the rest of your ILs as well.
Pretty much unless she was butchering the neighbors dog and leaving it in my bed for me I would probably seriously avoid kicking her out of your bridal party.
ETA: I also think you need to rein your expectations way in. Especially around her pregnancy plans since she literally has zero way of knowing when and if she will be able to become pregnant. I’d be annoyed as shit if someone kept asking me when I would be pregnant as I literally could not even begin to hazard a guess.
Post # 3
Do not ask her to step down. This person is going to be your sister, please dont alienate her.
You also do not get to dictate when she gets pregnant. You don’t need to know her plans. She doesnt need to tell you. It might be nice if you actually talked to her about her wanting to be a mom/parent rather than just how it effects your wedding.
She also does not need to be jumping off the walls for you. So she doesnt reply. Then things get planned without her. You dont need to keep hounding her. If she can’t make the plans work then its her own fault.
Overall, you sound like youre very much in BRIDE mode, and have totally slipped out of friend/sister in law mode. Try taking off the bride hat for a while and remember that your wedding is 1 day.
Post # 4
For the life of me I can’t understand creating unnecessary drama by asking a Future Sister-In-Law to ‘step down’ from the bridal party for the alleged crime of not showing enough enthusiasm for your wedding. If you’re ‘very much a family person’ as you say, you’ll chill the fuck out and stop monitoring her Facebook activity. She does respond to you, just often ‘several days later’ aka not fast enough for your liking. And if she is pregnant during your wedding, she can choose a dress similar to your other BMs that accommodates her baby bump, right now she doesn’t know so it makes sense not to choose her dress yet.
Post # 5
tbh I can’t stand people who watch what I’m posting and ask why I haven’t responded to them yet. I mean, wtf. Back off. She has a child, a life, she’s busy.
i get that she’s bad about communicating, but this seems to be something you knew when you asked her.
I don’t see asking her “to step down” (from this high honor?) going well, but if you want to risk the relationship, go for it.
If I were you, I’d make decisions and text her or email – whatever her preferred form of communication. If she doesn’t do it, that’s on her. But don’t sit there counting what she’s posting in FB and getting mad that her life doesn’t revolve around your FB messages.
Her pregnancy schedule is none of your business. Seriously. She’s a grown woman.
Post # 6
jenn91 : “Initially she was trying to plan her pregnancy around our wedding, “I want to have the kid before so I can lose the baby weight” but then changed her tune to “I’ll most likely be pregnant for the wedding” to now “I don’t know what my plan is… you’ll just have to wait and see”. It’s incredibly irritating.”
I’m sorry but this really rubbed me the wrong way. She doesn’t have to make up her mind about children right now because you’re getting married. Ever think that maybe she’s having trouble TTC and your constant questions about when she’s going to be pregnant are making her feel shitty and really uncomfortable? Just pick a dress and if and when she becomes pregnant you can cross that bridge then.
I get how annoying her slow responses can be. But it seems like that’s just the way she is. Maybe she isn’t as excited about your wedding as you want her to to be. You have a Maid/Matron of Honor and other BMs that are excited though. So be happy for that.
I don’t see how kicking your Future Sister-In-Law out of your wedding is going to do anything but cause a lot of drama. This isn’t some friend you can cut out of your life. This woman is going to be around forever.
Post # 7
I’d let it alllllll slide. She’s going to be your sister. The communications have probably felt a bit overwhelming to her. I’d just back off and not expect her to be very involved in the planning. That doesn’t mean she has bad intentions, just that she isn’t into planning.
Haha well said.
Post # 8
It is not worth it at all to (probably irreparably) damage your relationship with your future sister in law just because you don’t think she’s excited enough about your wedding. And to expect her to plan her pregnancy around your wedding is so self-absorbed. You need to realize that other people’s lives don’t revolve around YOUR wedding.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t ask her to step down. While it seems that she may not be the best with communication, everything else that you mentioned is either none of your business or none of your concern. The dress appointment would be annoying but it doesn’t sound like she ever even said she was going to be there to begin with. Group dress appointments are honestly pretty awful. I don’t think anyone really enjoys them. It just puts pressure on bms to conform to the majority when it comes to budget/style/etc. her pregnancy is literally NONE of your business and her being pregnant really shouldn’t limit your dress choices very much at all. Her only obligation is to show up on the day wearing the dress. That’s it. Everything else is completely optional so I would lower your expectations quite a bit.
Post # 10
Thank you for all of your responses. I see how you all came to your conclusions.
I do talk to her about things other than the wedding. I always make sure to put my soon-to-be niece as a priority. I always send her packages in the mail, call and text to check on her. They live out of state, so we try to build a better relationship as an Aunt and Uncle by using Facetime and Skype. I have flown out there to see her, her husband and daughter on multiple occasions. So I don’t really think you can pass judgement by saying I don’t talk about things that aren’t the wedding. I don’t mention it unless it needs to be brought up. I don’t think my Future Sister-In-Law needs to know every little detail. Only when something pertains to her such as dress shopping.
I don’t constantly hound her about her upcoming pregnancy. She divulges details to me and to family about her plans. I’m only trying to accomodate her in terms of buying a dress that will work for her as she has requested. I do not think that texting her or messaging her ONCE or TWICE a month about wedding things is too much. All I’m asking is that when I need a response from her she at least acknowledges me or my Maid/Matron of Honor.
I am a fairly quiet and reserved person. I do not like being the center of attention. I am not trying to make this out to be all about me. I just wish she would give me the respect I give her and her husband and daughter.
Since when is it okay to just ignore someone?
Post # 11
I also want to point out that SHE is the one planning her pregnancy around the wedding so she can lose the baby weight. This is all HER idea. She openly talks about it ALL THE TIME. All I did was casually mention to her that I had picked out two dresses and wanted to know if they were okay to accomodate her possibly being pregnant. I didn’t think that was such a horrible thing to do. Even my in-laws think she is ridiculous for wanting to plan a pregnancy around our wedding.
Post # 12
I feel really bad for you. I have a bigger bridal party and I have had this happen to me also. I didnt ask anyone to step down but one bridesmaid did drop out due to money and frankly lack of interest. She didnt seem to want to buy the dress LOL So weird. It is a hard situation. I always thought when I got married people would be excited for me. However, people are really rude and jello sometimes. I do not think you should kick her out though because it will probably cause more drama. I would not do anything about it unless she says she wants out etc. I would just try to work with her even though its hard. She sounds really rude and self absorbed. When you agree to be in someone’s wedding you know that you are suppose to buy the dress plan the shower and attend the bachelorette , rehearsal and wedding. I dont know why some people agree to wedding party if they cant do most of these or even just respond about it lol I feel for you. You will get through it though. I wouldn’t kick her out though even if shes rude. You will look like the better and bigger person by putting up with her crazy. Good Luck!
Post # 13
So…it sounds like you actually like her and have a good relationship with her. I’m very confused as to why you’d want to kick her out of your wedding over a some late responses to text messages and her refusal to decide one way or the other about her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress. She’s obviously just not very excited about your wedding/it isn’t a big priority for her. It happens. If you have a question that you actually NEED a response to…pick up the phone and ask her! Stop texting/Facebook messaging. That should help solve the problem.
I guarantee kicking her out of the wedding will completely ruin your relationship and cause lots of unnecessary drama. There are lots of Bees on here who have had less than enthusiastic BMs, yet still somehow the weddings were a success.
Post # 14
What types of things are you emailing or messaging about once or twice a month that you require responses on? I often didn’t hear from one of my sisters when I asked thier rare opinion on things basically just cause she didn’t care. Even on things that she thought she might have, or affected her like what I was thinking for bridesmaids dresses or the hair and makeup people I wasn’t hiring. She just didn’t have any input so she stayed quiet. That’s no crime.
Your update doesn’t really add much explanation. Just know that asking her to step down is a grenade into your relationship with your sister in law and in laws. There’s no coming back from that. Unenthusiasm is not a worthy crime to throw that grenade.
Post # 15
Is she normally like this? My first thought when you complained about her changing pregnancy timetable is that they’re having trouble trying to conceive, and maybe she’s going through an emotional time dealing with it. Otherwise it could be that her life in general is going through some tough times, and both her apparent flakiness and the changing timetable are related to something else completely separate from your wedding.
I’ve seen people that I’ve known for years seemingly turn into flakes, and down the road you find out that they were going through something major (depression/anxiety issues, a health crisis they didn’t feel comfortable sharing, miscarriage, trouble conceiving, trouble in their marriage, etc), and people’s backlash only made things worse. Tread lightly–ideally your Future Sister-In-Law will be in the picture for the rest of your life, so you don’t want to make things worse.