(Closed) Resentful after Proposal

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

I get why you’d feel upset about your situation, but you need to accept that life will NEVER go the way you want it to.  Your Fiance is a different person than you, therefore he has his own process, timeline, and maturity/personal development to go through.  If he didn’t purposely make you wait for his proposal with malicious and evil intent to hurt you, then for your own sanity Let. This. Go.  It’s not worth being so resentful over something so small in the grand scheme of your lives.

And regarding the wedding planning and your Fiance not being helpful, in all honesty if you are feeling this angry and resentful towards him, than regardless of whether or not you said anything to him, he’s going to feel your pissed off vibe and will want to stay away from that.  Yes, it is true that most men are not interested in every detail and nuance of wedding planning.  But if you have a happy positive attitude about it, he will be more engaged in helping you. 

Post # 32
Member
20 posts
Newbee

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flowercrowns:  +1

OP, I get the feeling this guy is never going to be able to get it right. You mentioned cost and it doesn’t seem that you’re holding out for expensive, but sheesh! Let him have his trousers back and stop micromanaging! From the aforementioned previous post, I cannot believe you were so ungrateful as to never wear the ring he gave you, presumably chosen with love, because it was not an e-ring. Let him go so he can find a love who will truly appreciate him. And you can find someone who will make you happy.

Post # 33
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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pirkkodiva:  I think this is just a larger issue with culture. That the guy basically decides when we get engaged (and thus married) and it’s expected to happen that way. I’m hoping I can raise my kids to be able to question the validity of these rituals and act in the ways that are true to them. Good luck to me though, it’ll be an uphill battle!

Anyhow, how long have you been engaged? It may take a while for your Fiance to come around. I am towards the end of my engagement. There was a moment a few months ago when Fiance and I got into a fight (which is unusual for us) and I broke down crying about wedding drama (Woohoo love our families). I am also in school and it has been challenging to plan a wedding at the same time as well. When this incident happened, he suddenly had this realization that he had just been letting me do all the work. He said he wanted to step up and help out more. He thought it was all just fun and rainbows and unicorns for me to let me plan everything and he hadn’t realized that it’s just not. I am still the primary wedding planner but he always thanks me now when I accomplish something and he has taken up some of the leg work, like emailing his mom for relative’s addresses or reminding groomsmen to get their tux fittings. 

Not sure how you and your Fiance work, but this could be a growing experience for both of you. I think planning a wedding is a growth ritual and the conclusion is about your committed relationship- how can he show that to you in the planning process? I would approach him with an open heart and ask him to have an open heart as well. Discuss the issue, listen to each other. 

As for why he waited so long, go open hearted again and just ask him. There may be something you don’t know. Maybe he just wasn’t quite ready. I know a couple that has been thrilled to stay boy friend and girl friend for 20 years (literally!) and it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other or don’t want to be together. They’re just not ready for marriage. Fortunately your Fiance seems to be ready now! 

Post # 34
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like you’re at a stressful time in your life and now you have wedding stress on top of all of it. I think you just need to focus on the fact your marrying the love of you life, and less about the wedding. Weddings need planning, but try not to focus on the stress. 

Post # 35
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Just plan for your wedding to be further out! I’m having a 19 month engagement to allow myself time to plan and actually enjoy it. This way I can focus on one thing at a time. Everyone who plans a wedding is stressed out because everyone has other things on their plates. As Pp’s have said some have children, are buying houses, are in school etc. you aren’t the only one who has had to plan a wedding with other things going on so let it go. It’s not your FI’s fault that you have so much going on, it’s your own for wanting a purposal so bad and then trying to rush into a wedding. some ladies wait longer than you have until everyone is out of school and have great jobs to ensure they have the ring/wedding that they want, and even then they too are super busy. You made your choices you need to handle them like an adult Or you shouldn’t be getting married. Stop scapegoating your Fiance. 

Post # 36
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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pirkkodiva:  My Darling Husband proposed just as I was starting my busy season at work (turned out to be worst busy season to date) and doing my Masters. I was still very happy with the proposal and instead of planning some huge wedding, we did a small city hall ceremony wedding with a small reception the next day. It was all very manageable. You could either do that or wait to plan the wedding. No one is saying you have to be married tomorrow! 

Post # 37
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Easton\'s Beach Rotunda Ballroom

This should be the time of your life and you should enjoy each and every moment of the planning. With that being said I do think you have no control over the way you feel and I can see where you might get resentful – if this could happen now, why not then, etc.

Just remember good things come to those who wait! And if it makes you feel any better…we didn’t get engaged until our 11th anniversary. Not an ounce of resentment in me – I’m enjoying every bit of the planning and your Fiance might surprise you! My Fiance said he just wanted to be told when to show up in a tux but he has definitely had opinions about the planning process. 

Don’t let your resentment ruin this time for you. Small regrets and pettiness can build up and poison your outlook on life. Just step back, take a deep breath and remind yourself of all the things you love about your Fiance and why you want to spend the rest of your life with him. 

Post # 38
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think I know where you’re coming from… I waited seven years (well he proposed the day before our seven year anniversary) and was also thinking the same thing before in terms of, what he’s waiting for and why. But I can’t say that now it bothers me too much that he waited so long. I’m juggling a full time job, graduate school, adding on 150 hours over the summer for an internship, and most of the wedding planning. It gets frustrating, but do a little bit at a time and when it feels overwhelming, take a break to actually ENJOY THE ENGAGEMENT. It helps! 

Post # 39
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

I think it’s a normal, valid feeling to have a little bit of resentment in your situation; however, it is *not* normal or healthy to not deal with it and let it fester to the point that you are resenting your SO as you enter into a marriage together. Either let it go or postpone the wedding until you’ve decided if you can live with it or if you need to move on from this relationship. 

Post # 40
Member
7644 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Damned if ya do, damned if ya don’t. Poor guy.

When would have been a convenient time for you? Sometimes in life things don’t happen at convenient times for us. That’s when we put our big girl panties on and give it our best smile.

Post # 41
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You sound like an exhausting person to be with.

Post # 42
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

View original reply
pirkkodiva:  I’m sure he didn’t intentionally want to ‘make’ you wait so long. And he probably did not think about the logistics of you having to plan a wedding on top of school/work/etc. Most guys do not realize beforehand what it takes to plan a wedding. I didn’t either, until I had to plan my own. But that’s done now, it’s not healthy to focus on the past (waiting so long, or timing of the proposal). 

I suggest that if you want him to help with the planning, give him a job in an area that he is interested in (or not interested in, just tell him you need help!) – i.e. tell him it’s his job to pick (or at least do the research and come up with some options for both of you to decide on together) the DJ, photog, or whatever. He probably is thinking he’s doing you a favor by letting you plan your wedding so that you get what you want for your day. 

Post # 43
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I have been planning my wedding in the middle of a rigorous graduate school program, and now I am also getting to move across the country and start a new job a few weeks before the wedding. It can be done. If you don’t feel like you have enough time or that it will be too stressful in such a short timeframe, there’s no reason why you can push your wedding date out  

Post # 44
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I get why you’d be stressed out right now. I’m a full time student as well, and I work full time, and now I’m trying to plan a wedding. And I get a very similar reaction when I try to bring up wedding stuff. He’s not always interested in talking about flowers and decorations or guest lists. It’s hard. But just give yourself lots of time to plan, it can be done.<br />As far as him waiting so long to propose . . . would you really have wanted him to propose before he was completely 100% ready for it? I mean, getting married is a big deal, and I for one would rather wait than be asked by someone who wasn’t ready for it.

Post # 45
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

this post is seriously annoying- sorry. No one is making you plan a wedding right now. If you are too stressed with school then wait. or go to a court house. the end.

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