(Closed) Resentful after Proposal

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
5874 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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interchangeable:  “So according to you, your FI basically says *Hey. I want this unecessary, expensive, time-consuming party and I want you to do all the work involved in making it happen and to pay for it too* and your response is *okay*?”

Ditto.  Girl, don’t be a doormat.

Post # 62
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

Hey, I’m curious if your Fiance is a super logic driven kind of guy. I ask because I’m that kind of lady (objective,introverted, nerdy type), and I would absolutley not get engaged to anyone without dating them for a minimum of five years.  My SO and I have been together almost 6 years and will marry in about a year and a half. I was also oppossed to getting married before age 27 since certain areas of the brain associated with processing major life decisions are not matured until that age. I also feel like a lifetime committment in terms of marriage is what? Maybe 60 years? So, if you look at it like that, 5 years, is not a super long time to test the relationship. Honestly I’m shocked when people get engaged after a year or two, I find that terrifying! I know that I am unusual (and no offense meant toward people who tied the knot quickly), but if your guy is a stat reading, researching, objective kind of guy, that might be his thinking because it was definitely mine. Best of luck!

Post # 63
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh, just read some of these responses. So HE wants the wedding? Weird, now I’m guessin he is not a logical type and my previous advice is probably irrelevant. I’ve always dreamed of eloping so I don’t get the whole wedding deal.  

Post # 64
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

I waited 5 years, 2 months, and 2 days for a proposal.  Not that I was counting or anything.  😛

But when it finally came, I was so filled with joy!  I’m surprised to hear you feel resentment at waiting.  That tells me there’s something else going on here, which is what most people are responding to here.  So I’ll just leave that alone.  You have to do your own soul searching to resolve feelings like that.

Wedding planning can be stressful but it should be fun.  I asked my Darling Husband early on in the planning process how involved he wanted to be.  He told me he wanted to do the fun stuff: find a venue, participate in tastings, etc.  But he didn’t care about the little not so fun stuff: centerpieces, flowers, colors, themes, picking a cake stand, etc.  By clearing the air up front, it kept me from getting mad at him later in the process.  And if he didn’t participate in something he said he would, I reminded him of his commitment and he made an effort in the future.

Another tip: set a budget and then hire a wedding planner.  If you’re not enjoying this process at all, give it over to someone else who will do it for you.  If you go this route, just ask your fiancé what the most important (or 3 most important) things are to him for his wedding day.  For example, videography was my #1 and catering to his family’s needs was his #1.  So I got my expensive videographer, and he got to have an earlier ceremony in his home state so that grandparents could attend.

So find out what your fiancé really cares about.  You say he wants a traditional wedding and doesn’t want to elope, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have a giant, expensive wedding with 200 guests 5 months from now.  You could be engaged for 2 years and then have a small, intimate affair with 45 people.  Take the stress out of something that is supposed to be fun.  Good luck!

Post # 65
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

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nightborn:  This is really great advice.

Post # 66
Member
13 posts
Newbee

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bebelicious1:  consider me one of those waiting bees! We’ve been together 5 years now and I’ve gotten. Hints that proposal is coming later this year are everywhere.  

I dont resent having to wait this long. We’ve had a lot of great adventures. I think what sometimes gets to me is that both of our previous exs are married now! They’ve both moved on, found someone and gotten married all in the same timeline of us moving to three different states, starting new careers, going on trips, etc. in retrospect, I wouldn’t trade any of it to get a ring earlier. 

I hope things have gotten easier, dear OP. Us ladies are always quick to internalize things more than we need to. If you’re feeling stressed, just push the wedding date back. Everything will fall into place. And if the Fiance doesn’t care to contribute regarding the dilemma of succulents or peonies for center pieces, consult your bridal team. Go to Pinterest! Just try to step back and find the positives. No one wants to be entirely overwhelmed by their special day. 

and while you’re at it, go do something nice for the Fiance. Cook a nice dinner. Get tickets to a movie. Or maybe a massage. He’s probably feeling your resistance and it wouldn’t hurt for both of you to be reminded why you love each other. 

🙂

Post # 67
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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swonderful:  I was so happy to see your post and that other women understand the need and desire to wait a bit before becoming engaged. Darling Husband proposed after about 6 months dating and I was really not ready to move forward immediately, plan a wedding, and it took me a while to adjust to the idea. We had a 2 1/2 year engagement which worked really well for me emotionally.

Post # 68
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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swonderful:  <br />I am not a super logic driven person and I don’t research statistical information because most of the time it has no relevance to my situation.

Post # 69
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow I think I must be the only one who is sympathetic towards the poster. Men shouldn’t wait that long to propose! I think you should just be honest with him about your feelings. And honestly, just tell him to get involved in wedding planning. Just give him specific tasks and make him do it. end of story. And if he doesn’t, I would honestly just put the wedding on hold. There are men out there who will fight to make you happy…  He’ll come around.

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