Post # 1
I’m starting to feel really resentful that SO hasn’t proposed. He gets everything he wants in the relationship (sex, housework, grocery shopping, meals cooked) but I don’t get what I want (commitment and plans for a shared future). I was ok with that for the first few years because I presumed my turn would come… except it hasn’t. He’s still getting everything he wants and I’m not getting what I want.
So we had a huge argument where I said I’m starting to feel like he’s taking advantage of me and I don’t see why I should continue acting like a wife when I’m not going to be his wife. I’ve stopped doing his laundry just to make a point. I don’t even want to have sex any more – I had sex with him because I believed we were in a serious relationship which was heading towards commitment, and now sex makes me feel used because he obviously wants my body but doesn’t want to commit to me.
We keep having the same argument over and over. I feel taken advantage of, because he gets what he wants and I’ve waited patiently but I’m not getting what I want. So I’m pulling back and not giving to him any more. And then he gets angry because I’m pulling back and says I don’t love him, and why would he marry me when I don’t even have sex with him, and it’s my fault that he hasn’t proposed because of the way I’m behaving. Well if he’d made his mind up and proposed before we even reached the point where I started to feel hurt and used, then I wouldn’t be behaving like this!!!
I really don’t know what to do at this point. He’s saying he wants me to act like the perfect wife, and then he’ll be happy and will decide to make the situation permanent by proposing – and currently he won’t propose because I’m upset and I’m not acting like the type of wife he wants to commit to. But I’ve already acted like the perfect wife for three years and he didn’t propose – how long does he realistically think I’m going to keep doing it?!?!
I feel unhappy and resentful, and we keep having the exact same argument, usually when he wants sex and I say no. He clearly isn’t going to propose when I’m pulling back and not giving any more. But I don’t feel comfortable with continuing to give to him when he isn’t giving back. So I don’t know what to do 🙁
Post # 3
@Gorjuss: Ridiculous! Waiting for you to be the perfect wife? Hate to tell him, but no marriage, no wife, no HUSBAND is perfect.
Tell him until he demonstrates that he could be a good (not PERFECT) husband, you won’t consider marrying him either! He’s acting like a total jerk! He IS taking advantage of you! His behavior is antiquated and chauvinistic.
How old are you both? He seems VERY immature. How long have you been together?
Post # 4
We’re 30 (him) and 34 (me), we’ve been together for three years.
He didn’t specifically say I had to be the perfect wife, but that’s basically what he meant: he won’t propose while I’m upset and nagging about marriage and refusing sex, we need to have a good happy relationship before he’ll propose. Which is nonsense because we’ve had a good happy relationship for the last three years and he didn’t propose!!
I’m sick of seeing other men meet a girl, fall in love with her and propose, in less time than we’ve been together. It’s happened to three of my friends, and I don’t understand why their SOs have chosen them as a life partner but mine hasn’t chosen me. Am I less beautiful and special than them, less desirable as a wife? 🙁
Post # 5
Either he’s not ready or doesn’t want to marry you and you certainly do not want to marry a man with those feelings. You’re not his wife and at this rate you never will be his wife. Walk.
Post # 6
@Gorjuss: not to sound harsh, but you both seem to be manipulating each other to get what you want. This will not end well. He will resent you for the lack of intimacy, you will resent him because he’s not proposing – it will be a never ending cycle of anger and resentment. If neither of you are willing to compromise, or have an actual conversation (and not a screaming match) with regards to your expectations, what hope is there? You should know where you stand, and if marriage is not something he plans on, then it’s best for you both to move on. But he should at least be honest, and not petty by saying ‘if you have sex with me, I’ll marry you…’ type of stuff.
Post # 7
@Gorjuss: just for reference, my Fiance is 32 and I am 31 and we were 1 week shy of 5 years together when he proposed exactly 2 weeks ago today. But we were in nursing school for 3 1/2 out of the 5 years and had mutually agreed to wait until we were done with school. For us it wasn’t a question of if, but when, and of finances of course….
I think that by now you should have an idea of if he plans on SERIOUSLY proposing or if he plans to just string you along. If he has no intention of seriously moving forward, and that is unacceptable to you, then walk.
Post # 8
He wants to buy a house together and arranged an appointment at the bank to speak to a mortgage adviser, but he has no plans to propose. He’s annoyed because I refused to attend the appointment at the bank – I won’t buy a house with someone I’m not married to (or going to marry).
So I think he is expecting us to have a future together, he just has no plans to propose and he’s frustrated by my refusal to buy a house, do his laundry, have regular sex, etc until marriage is on the table. He sees this as an unfair ultimatum, whereas I see it as a perfectly reasonable personal choice. How is it an ultimatum just because I don’t want to be legally and financially entangled unless we’re going to be a married couple? I’m not saying he has to marry me, I’m just saying there are certain things which I’m only willing to do with my husband, and I feel I’m within my rights to make that decision!
Post # 9
Hmmm either you want to marry someone or you don’t. its not about how many meals you can cook or how many shirts you can iron, it’s looking at someone and thinking “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. I realise some issues would be a big deal e.g drug problems etc ( but thankfully you don’t seem to have anything like that :). I suggest you sit down in a calm manner and actually talk rather than argue. I really feel for you and hope it all works out
Post # 10
So break up with him. It doesn’t sound like the conversations you’ve had have gone anywhere and he doesn’t understand your value system. Which means you should probably find someone new who you are more compatible with. And be sure by the third date you have found out their timeline for marriage and children so you don’t get stuck in this sort of situation again.
“I’m sick of seeing other men meet a girl, fall in love with her and propose, in less time than we’ve been together. It’s happened to three of my friends, and I don’t understand why their SOs have chosen them as a life partner but mine hasn’t chosen me. Am I less beautiful and special than them, less desirable as a wife?”
Okay. First of all, you are not less desirable as a wife. But the fact is that your boyfriend may not be looking for a wife right now, and may not have been when he started dating you. He may value getting married less than you do. If marriage is important to you in a way that merely “having a future together” is not, then you need to move on.
Speaking as someone who got engaged less than a year after I started dating my fiance, we were NEVER in a nebulous waiting stage. We started dating each other with the intent of finding our future spouses, and made it clear that if a dealbreaker was discovered, we’d peace out. I was planning on waiting a year before asking about engagement but I somehow accidentally proposed just shy of six months. And he said yes and we picked out a ring and then he re-proposed (not necessary, but he wanted to have a stereotypical surprise proposal, and it WAS amazing). It was all fairly simple but also fairly practical, because as much as we enjoy dating each other, we were never dating just for the enjoyment of it (which is what I’d done in all my previous relationships and what I imagine your boyfriend is doing now).
And honestly, after having typed this out… it sounds to me from what you’ve written that if you proposed, he’d probably say no. You’ve been bringing up the subject of marriage over and over again and he keeps saying “not now” which imo is the same as no. All getting engaged is is a promise that you are planning to marry in the future, so if you’re pretty sure about it there’s no reason to delay. So yeah. Break up with him.
Post # 11
I think you need to break up & move out. You have goals that he is not able or willing to help you meet. You will resent him more and more as time goes on. He is wasting your time.
Post # 12
What a JERK! If he doesn’t want marriage, it’s time to move on. Men who say “I’ll propose to you when ______” Always seem skeevy to me. Also, they never seem to propose, no matter how “good” you are or what you do for them. It’s just never enough to get the ring!
Move on and find someone who deserves you!
Post # 13
He’s saying he wants me to act like the perfect wife, and then he’ll be happy and will decide to make the situation permanent by proposing
You’ve pretty much given him all the control in your relationship. Time to take some of that control back. You control your life: what your goals are, when you’ll buy a house, when/if you’ll start a family – you make those decisions. You can decide if you want your relationship to continue as it has for the last several years or you can make a decision to leave a man who will not marry you for who you are, when you are ready.
Remember that awful old saying… something about a cow and free milk??? I think it’s quite fitting in your case.
ETA: There are so many great men out there who do want to get married sooner than later, so pack up your things and move on. Your wasting time. 🙂
Post # 14
I don’t think he’s a great guy tbh. Just remembering your previous post about the “something shiney for chirstmas” I kinda get the impression he’s not going to marry you.
He sounds like he’s toying with your emotions. Maybe he thinks marriage is unimportant, believeing the commitment is important not the piece of paper (which is kinda true in the end, not saying you shouldn’t want to get married, just that wanting to be with someone forever is the part that is super important)
On the other hand, if I were him, I’d feel cornered and trapped by you holding back on things. I can see not doing the laundry, cooking yourself a pizza and making him sort his own dinner or w/e, but from what I understand (from my SO and male friends) sex is very linked with love for men. I know if I held back on sex that my SO would be really upset by that, and feel unnatractive and unloved (Just to clarify, he never forces/puts pressure on me, I mean just if i didn’t sleep with him to make a point rather than because I didn’t want to).
I think it sounds like you and he are in very different places, yes he wants to live with you, but he’s made no sign of wanting to marry you, quite the opposite, he’s made a joke of you wanting a proposal.
I think you need to decide if you can commit to this man without marriage or not, and if you can’t you need to walk. Neither of you sound like you’re happy in this relationship, and it doesn’t sound like either of you are getting what you want.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2014 - Disney
I was in a situation like this minus the living together part. When we started looking at houses I made things clear. When he kept taking me to look at houses and nothing happened or any talks after I made things clear I walked.
When I met my now fiance I made things clear from the start. I wont live with you without and engagement etc. When he started looking at houses with me 1.5 years in I reiterated that he said I know and I know what I have to do. He proposed in the timeframe we agreed upon on our first date 2 years. Why? Because he was looking for a wife and he knew that I was looking for a husband.
You need to seriously consider walking. You’re not less desirable you’re just with a man who isnt in the mental time frame of getting married.
Post # 16
Let’s see, you’re already living like a wife and doing everything a wife does, and have been for some time, and you’re still not, “Good enough?” I understand a guy not wanting to propose while he’s being pressured, but that is so extreme. So stop.
My advice is to move out. If he wants to take you on dates, and you want to go, then go out with him. Keep it fun and light as you can; “Look, it bothers me to live with you without getting married, but I recognize you aren’t ready for the next step, so this is a way for us both to keep our sanity, by going back to just dating.” He’ll either be glad you’re gone (and realize you just need to break up) or miss you so much that he’s willing to keep going, but with a little more consideration for you. If he’s the kind of guy who needs a LONG time to be ready for marriage, do you still want to be with him? And how do you want to be with him during that time? Meanwhile, he can buy his own house, do his own laundry, and sleep alone. You have already figured out what each other are like to live with, so what else does he need to observe to find out if he loves you enough to marry you? You’re supposed to put down $ for a down payment on a house together, but not start planning a wedding? And he KNOWS that this would really bother you, and he doesn’t care? I think it’s time this guy stopped taking you for granted, and I think that moving out and just going on dates with him instead of living with him and being able to clearly imagine marriage will help you re-evaluate whether he is the one you even want. Maybe you’ll be happier living by yourself than with someone who sounds so frustrating and uncompromising.
Personally, I think if you move out, you will end up breaking up. Three years is still a long time, and you sound fed up with the lack of consideration. Good luck!