(Closed) Resentful and arguing with SO :(

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

getting engaged and married is a mutual decision made by two adults, it’s not something you “earn” for doing his housework and having sex with him.

You guys both sound manipulating and immature and honestly, i don’t think from this and your previous posts, he has any plan to propose to you any time soon. Why do you want to be with someone who you want to marry but he doesn’t want to marry you back?  You teach people how to treat you – and you have taught him he can be non-committal, play mean jokes on you like the xmas present – and you will stick around.  

Only you are responsible for your happiness – if he isn’t going to give you what will make you happy – you need to leave and find someone who will. 

Post # 48
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
@BelliniChic:  

eckk.. I remember that post..

OP I take back what I said about talking things over with him. It seems like he gets a rise out a teasing you about getting engaged, and that’s just cruel. I think he’s been taking you for a ride here and I think you can do better. You deserve better than this. ((Hugs))

Post # 49
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

People should marry each other because of who they are, NOT for who they hope the other person will mutate into. So he says he will propose when you become the “perfect wife”. For all too many men, that means someone who does everything mom did, except with the added bonus of sex.

Screw that. I would walk!

Post # 50
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Do you even like this guy? Please, please don’t marry him just because he’s the one you happen to be with at 34 or the one who happened to finally get around to asking. You’ll be sadder in the long run if you marry someone that isn’t the right fit; you will absolutely be happier single. 

Deciding to get married shouldn’t be about checking items off lists — yes, we all have to be practical, but in the end it should be a feeling. If he doesn’t have that feeling, and if YOU don’t have that feeling, WALK NOW. Live your life for you and when you’re not looking the person you’re supposed to be with will appear. 

 

 

Post # 51
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s an unpopular view around here, but this is why I say that IMO it’s bad idea to live with someone in the hope that “some day” you will be engaged.  Hope is not a plan. I have seen too often that “some day” is never.

OP, I’m very sorry for the situation you are in.  You don’t have many options b/c your boyfriend is not into marriage, rather he’s into the benefits of marriage without the actual commitment. You have two choices: remain with him in a state of non-matrimony or leave.

I’d leave.  He sounds like a jerk.

Post # 52
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

withholding affection sets up a weird power struggle in relationships. the real reason you are angry/upset/not feeling like makin sweet love is that your needs aren’t being met. In My Humble Opinion i’d have dumped him after the christmas thing. that was public and just plain mean. if for some reason you want to stay with him, why not move out? then you might not resent him so much because you wouldn’t be doing his dishes, etc, and you’d only have to sleep over and see him on actual dates?

Post # 54
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I am really sorry you are going thorugh all of this 🙁 I have been there  before, and felt the way you feel. It’s awful.

All I can say is there should never be any conditions on love. Him saying “I’ll marry you if you do this” throws up a red flag to me.

The fact that he cannot just have an adult conversation with you about this tells me he is not ready for marriage, and I’m not sure he ever will be at this point in your relationship and his age. And if I were you, personally I could not handle the childish behavior on his end.

Walk. Life is too short, get what you want and deserve. It’s really hard and easier said then done, but trust me, you will be happier in the end. Hang in there <3

Post # 55
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

” I just have to sit and wait until he decides I’m good enough. I already kept my mouth shut and acted like a nice girlfriend for three years and he didn’t propose, so why should I continue doing it when it clearly leads nowhere?”

I agree with you honey. 3 years at your ages is more than enough time.

This may sound harsh, and I am sorry, but you shouldnt ever feel like you’re “sitting and waiting until he decides your good enough”. You ARE good enough.

I wouldn’t want to marry someone like him at this point, but that’s just me.

 

Post # 56
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@Gorjuss:  First off (( HUGS )) because I honestly think you need em… you are obviously HURT by what you see as his lack of commitment … to the level that you expect / deserve at this point in time within the framework of your relationship.

Now the bad news (sorry)…

BUT as much as you want him to commit to marriage and BE MORE TO YOU… it is pretty clear to me thru your posts (here and previous) that that isn’t him

You aren’t going to change him… try as you might, he honestly

(a) Isn’t into marriage

OR

(b) Isn’t into marrying you

Like I said I am sorry, to have to tell you this, but honest Hon, this quote of yours…

“I’m sick of seeing other men meet a girl, fall in love with her and propose, in less time than we’ve been together. It’s happened to three of my friends, and I don’t understand why their SOs have chosen them as a life partner but mine hasn’t chosen me. Am I less beautiful and special than them, less desirable as a wife?”

Could have come DIRECTLY out of Greg Behrendt’s Book He’s Just Not That Into YouChapter 4 “He’s Just Not That Into You… If He Doesn’t Want To Marry You”

Infact, it almost is identical to a posting in there from a woman who states that she too had a Boyfriend like this…

Bad News… After spending years and years waiting for him, she finally left… only to find out he starting dating someone else, and within no time the two of them were engaged !!

What was wrong with her ???

In truth… NOTHING

In the end he wanted someone else… someone he could “manipulate” even more than her (needless to say that relationship won’t end well)

And as for her ???

Why she went on to find an INCREDIBLE man, who when they first began dating she told right off she wanted marriage, she didn’t want to be led on.  Either he was open to marriage as a possible outcome of dating (vs serial dating) or she was going “to pass” and look for someone to date who was more serious.

(This is called having a LIFE TALK… there are many posts about this here on WBee, and as someone in your 30s it is something you should be doing sooner in the dating cycle than later)

Fact is, SHE WAS NOW IN CONTROL OF HER LIFE… she wasn’t waiting around for Mr Right… she was actively looking for what she wanted out of life… a happy committed realationship that would lead to Marriage. 

That is the difference here between your relationship and that one.  You are busy waiting around for him to be ready… something that quite frankly may never happen (be it with you or someone else after you are gone)

Also, if you by some magical way do get this guy to propose… there is a good chance that your marriage won’t be that happy afterall… trust me as the “Sparkly Christmas Present” conveys he’ll be continually holding the fact that the two of you got Engaged / Married over your head as “Something YOU Wanted”… and went along with, and NOT something that he Proposed / Desired with ALL HIS HEART AND BEING

Been there done that… was married to THAT MAN for over 20 years… and it was a very unhappy marriage where I was the one giving and giving, and doing all the work in the relationship and he just rode along on the coat-tails… and got more and more sarcastic, non-caring, verbally abusive etc.  NOT A GOOD MARRIAGE AT ALL

A GOOD MARRIAGE is where BOTH Partners are committed and cannot see their lives without the other.  A GOOD MARRIAGE is where one would continually put the other’s well being before their own.  A GREAT MARRIAGE is where each makes the other a BETTER PERSON just because they are in each others life (lift each other up to be the best they can be)

From your description… this is NOT the relationship you have

Another good book to read on this subject, on getting what you want out of life / love is Dr Phil’s Book – Love Smart ~ Find the One You Want – Fix the One You Got

It’ll put you in a mindset of figuring out exactly what it is you want out of life (without settling).  And how to make it happen

There is also an excellent Chapter on Getting Engaged (or trying to… when a Man doesn’t seem keen to Propose / hasn’t as of yet)

Fact is tho…

YOU want to be married.  So it is YOU who has to take action.

Personally tho, I think after reading these two books you’ll come to the same conclusion as everyone else (myself included) on this post…

YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS GUY

As Greg Behrendt says you are an AMAZING Woman, and a guy should be honoured to be with you (not debating the fact)

THE RIGHT GUY KNOWS THAT… he will not hesitate to marry you… he’ll be Proposing because he wants you to be his wife… because he doesn’t want you to slip away into the night (ala Cinderella if you will)

A MAN IN LOVE is the most AMAZING POWERFUL FORCE… they know what they want.  And WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN… hence all the Proposal Stories we read about here on WBee… (and more importantly the ones where the Guys themselves come to WBee asking advice on HOW TO MAKE SURE THE PROPOSAL IS FABULOUS BECAUSE THEY THINK THE WORLD OF THEIR WOMAN… AND WANT TO MAKE HER HAPPY / SHOW HER HOW SPECIAL SHE IS)

It is the stuff modern fairy tales are made of… as well as the traditional kind we all read as children… where Prince Charming slays the dragon to win the girl.  There may not be dragons in real life… but there are REAL MEN out there, who won’t let anything come between them and their girl.

BE THAT GIRL…

Read the books I referenced above … and SEE what is going on in this Relationship for yourself.

Time to make a move.

Talk about waiting…

Mr Right is out there waiting to find you (probably saying “Where have all the GREAT Girls gone ?” )… he can’t find you if you are holed up in a long term relationship with Mr Non-Committed… so tell me are you going to keep Mr Right waiting much longer ??

Because given the two choices, I’d be packing my bags today !!

Post # 57
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@gorjuss “He says that me pushing for marriage just turns him off even more, and if I kept my mouth shut and just acted like a nice girlfriend then he might decide I’m worth marrying”.

 

Seriously run, don’t walk, if he doesn’t understand why this is unbelievably insulting and disrespectful of your feelings.  Marriage requires taking another person’s needs at least as seriously as your own, even if you don’t quite understand why they need it, and he is demonstrating SO CLEARLY that he doesn’t take your needs seriously.  (Meanwhile, though, you’re expected to take his need for buying a house seriously, and be willing to make a huge financial investment, when he won’t do the same).

He has all the power right now and this is the way to keep it  – making you live up to some impossible ideal of perfection until the unknown day HE decides you’re “worth it”.   If you can’t have an honest conversation after years together about when that will be or why you’re not worth it right now, then really, what makes you think he’ll be able to have serious conversations about your life after you’re married?

Post # 58
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

In situations like this, I ask myself “What kind of advice would I want to give a friend who was in a similar situation?”  You know, the kind of advice we can never really give the friend because it’s painful to hear, it’s none of our business, and we don’t know the whole story.  Give yourself this advice.  Take the advice.  I have a feeling it involves moving out.  Moving out doesn’t have to be the end.  It probably would be, but if it helps you can give yourself and your SO the option to reassess after several months of living apart.  

I sympathize because I’m at the 3 year point.  It’s become really tense in the last several months because he had given me our 3 year anniversary as a “engaged by” date.  I was angry when I realized it wasn’t going to happen, however, we’ve had a lot of trouble in the past few months.  We have stuff to work on before it happens.  It could have easily escalated to the point where we kept score about who was getting what out of the relationship, but fortunately we were able to discuss and come up with a plan that suited both of us.  I feel like I can stop obsessing about the issue of whether or not he wants to marry me and he feels like he’s not starting a life with a crazy banshee.

I’m sure my situation is quite different, so I’m not saying that this will work for you or that it’s the right way.  This is what we did.

1. After a major fight and a rash decision for him to move out until I had a ring on my finger we made a decision that we did not want to live apart.  He looked at an apartment.  It was depressing for him.  It hurt me to see him so depressed about something that I thought he wanted (In my black and white world, he wanted to marry me or he was just sticking it out because he didn’t feel like breaking up and needed a push)  I suggested counseling, he said he’d be willing to do this.

2.  I asked him what he felt like he could do to give me some confidence that he would give me another “engaged by” date, get my hopes up, and ultimately feel foolish for anticipating something that wasn’t happening.  He said that we could make a solid ring shopping date.  I asked him to pick the day.  He picked one much sooner than I would have expected.  

3.  I asked for a general timeline.  He said 3-6 months.  I told him that I could give him a solid 3 and asked if the ring could be purchased by that point.  He agreed.  We talked budget and I agreed to forgo his “rent” (I bought the house before I met him) for the next few months in order to speed up the saving up process.  

4. After the “big fight” I decided to do counseling on my own to start.  Not because of the relationship trouble, but because I have a lot going on in my life.  My mom has advanced cancer.  My friend is dying of cancer.  My father nearly died last year.  My brother nearly died of meningitis a few years ago.  It’s a horrible number of crises that have been weighing me down.  I was suspicious that I often projected my fear, anger, and sadness about my loved ones illnesses.  Working on that stuff is helping tremendously.  I have a healthy outlet for dealing with it and I’m learning how to communicate much more effectively.  Working on feeling better in general is really helping the health of my relationship.  I’m pretty confident that the source of my angst wasn’t the lack of a ring on my finger, but it was where I was directing it.

I hope that you find some peace, whether it’s working it out with your SO or leaving and meeting a wonderful man who shares your dreams.  

Post # 59
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

Wow. . .I didn’t realize how long my post (and many of the other posts) are.  You have so much love and support here!  I hope you find the strength to do what makes you happy.

Post # 60
Member
8994 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@Gorjuss: 

why should I continue doing it when it clearly leads nowhere?

You shouldn’t. That would be crazy. So stop doing it.

See, you answered your own question! Smile

Post # 61
Member
1447 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Gorjuss:  You are not having good/healthy communication with this guy, and he’s not behaving in a good manner either.  When you get to the point where you are manipulating each other, it’s pretty much doomed any chance for real, genuine love and happiness.

I spent a lot of time in relationships with people who did not treat me well.  Life is way too short for that.  In the last relationship I ended, I realized that complete strangers were treating me better and were more reliable than this dude I was stuck on who couldn’t even be bothered to return a phone call.  Once I made that realization, I also realized that it was never going to get better and that if I valued my happiness over being involved with this person that I needed to walk.  Not long after that my fiance and I started going out.  YMMV, but you *can* be happy without having someone in your life, and you do deserve to be treated with respect and love.

I highly recommend you take a vacation for yourself.  Go on a women’s retreat or at least take yourself to a bed and breakfast for a few days.  You cannot figure out your situation while you are in the middle of it.

I really like John Gottman’s books; he has some of the most understandable books on how to develop and maintain healthy relationships.

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