(Closed) Resentful husband?

posted 5 years ago in Money
Post # 2
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Well, from what you’re saying, it does kind of sound like a vacation.  You’re “thinking of” starting a side business, and helping “a few hours a week with the business.”  You also might finish a project, and “possibly” do some contract work.  There’s a lot of thinking about doing things, and a few hours a week will leave a lot of extra time to relax. 

Are you planning on taking on the majority of the housework, all the cleaning, cooking, errands, shopping, things like that, or do you still expect him to help?  Maybe solidify some of your plans you outlined into actual, actionable tasks so he feels like he’s not the only one working. 

It sounds like he’s not fully on board with you quitting your job because he thinks you’re just taking a permanent vacation with very little work.  I think you guys need to figure this out before you give your notice.  Can you look for a less stressful job? 

Post # 3
1292 posts
Bumble bee

I mean…I can see his side, honestly. Talking about you quitting your job and you actually putting in your notice are two different things. He’s goign to become the main breadwinner, and that is super stressful. Add in (presumably expensive) fertility treatments, and I can see why the loss of a full-time income (plus benefits) would make him second guess things. 

Maybe sit down and actually go over the budget for next few months? Also – if you are planning on getting pregnant in the next few months, are you going to try to go back to work while pregnant? Or after the baby? Because if you don’t have a steady income now, it’s only going to get harder once you stop working to have a kid. There will be a big gap in your employment. 

Post # 4
9565 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

We’ll I think the silent treatment and little jabs while on paper claiming he is okay with it is bs and vey immature. On the other hand, for one person to stop working full time, I think both partners need to be 100% on board. It’s not going to be less stressful for you to deal with a grouchy resentful partner and obviously that’s not a good place for him either. I think you should find a plan that he supports.

Is your money combined? If no you can just save up and have that be that and he gets no say. But if it’s “our” money- I think he does get a say and you should find a compromise- like you cutting back to part time, a less stressful job etc. what does he expect when you are very pregnant and post partum? Does he expect you to go back to work asap and is that what you want? I think you should work all that out in advance if you haven’t already while you’re at it. 

Post # 5
1292 posts
Bumble bee

Also – you say his day job isn’t stressful, but it sounds like it is, or at least he doesn’t enjoy it at all. Maybe he feels like he has no flexibility to quit or look for something else if you aren’t working.

Post # 6
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Hmm, as someone with a stressful and demanding full time career, and a business with my husband which he runs day to day (and works another job as well), I would caution both of you to be realistic about the time and stress this “side business” might bring for both of you. Even if his job is “not stressful” in your view, the boredom or feeling stuck to it, or feeling the pressure of having the only stable income, can be stressful. I get super stressed knowing my husband and I fully depend on me to keep us going financially, as the business (and his part time work) certainly don’t. And that “side business” of ours has huge time and financial commitments, much more than a few hours a week. 

All that aside, it does sound like there may be some resentment & anxiety, so again, I would caution talking more about it before actually doing it. Do you have a business plan made? But it also sounds like you both need to work on the communication issues – I mean, giving you the silent treatment? That is just immature.

Post # 10
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
snowfox:  I can understand why your DH might have some concerns or reservations about making this transition, but I think his comments and the way he expressed himself were 100% out of line and downright offensive. The suggestion that he is the only one that has to get up early and get work done is just wrong – does he expect that your contract is going to magically take care of itself while you’re sleeping in and binge watching netflix?

Presumably the two of you have made this decision about your work situation together? If so, I think he needs to pull his head in. I get that he may have some worries that should be discussed, or might not understand how you plan to structure your days, which is also worthy of a discussion. The key point here though is that you just need to communicate openly to get back on the same page. Being snarky and giving you the silent treatment is not going to help things. 

I hope you guys are able to have a more productive conversation soon.

Oh, and if your contract and other work equates to the hours of a full time job, don’t let the way you split the household duties change. Just because you’re at home during the day doesn’t mean you should take a half hour break to change the bed and vacuum. Your work schedule needs to be protected the same way it would be in an office situation. 

Post # 11
3895 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

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snowfox:  I would get a part time job…. while getting the business set up and taking contract work.. so that overall you are still working the same number of hours… this way to him it wont feel like you just quit and all the responsibilities are on him. 

Post # 12
216 posts
Helper bee


View original reply
snowfox:  do you guys have the ability for you guys to financially handle any income coming in and living just off of his income? and also afford your treatments and bringing a child in the picture? Because with a new business you cant really count on that income until it gets off the ground? I wouldnt quit until he was on board with no reservations.

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