Resentful of engagement and can't move forward

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

I’d be worried about all this fighting you two are doing. Does it happen elsewhere in the relationship? Are you compatible in other long term goals? Maybe you aren’t right for each other and you’re both seeing this relationship as a sunk cost.

 

It’s hard; my previous relationship was 6 years, and he wasn’t willing to even try to close the long distance gap when he had no job prospects at home. However, I ended up meeting someone after who was excited to move in together and commit once we became more serious, and I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with him. 

 

If you are right for each other, why don’t you propose back to him? Make it something memorable and significant for both of you. You can give him a ring as well or something else significant to him.  

 

Post # 3
Member
5566 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

I do understand your frustration.

However. You were so upset that you moved out for over a month and expected him to propose while you were on such rocky ground that you weren’t living under the same roof. You broke down and he gave you the ring to get you to stop crying. Then a bit later you told him that he needed to do it over.

I understand that it wasn’t heart felt so I see where you are coming from, but it also seems like he can’t do anything right.

Why should you get engaged when you can’t even live under the same roof? Then he finally gave you the ring and it wasn’t good enough.

I don’t blame him for not wanting to get engaged but I can see why you’re hurt too

Post # 4
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

luckycat :  Sorry to hear about your resentment. Based on what you have written, it sounds like he proposed to just shut you up. 

However, when you moved out, did you two discussed and agreed upon a timeline for getting engaged? Also, if I was proposing to someone, I wouldn’t want to do it under tense circumstances. You probably wouldn’t be happy even if he did propose while you two were on holiday since it seems you kept giving him deadlines. Any romance or heartfelt gesture went out the window when you try to dictate a proposal. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he would’ve done anything nice anyways. It’s normal to feel resentment, but you need to understand that you will always be disappointed if you expect him to be the man that he’s not. Was he planning to propose to you at the end of the holiday trip? I’m a little unclear about his intentions.

The bigger issue I have is that you want an engagement so badly that you aren’t focusing on improving on your relationship. You two aren’t in a happy, stable place and that’s not a good time to get engaged. You two should figure out the underlying issues or walk away.

Post # 6
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

This all feels like something is just off with your communication and dynamic as a couple. Do you think you could interest him in a few sessions of counseling? As disappointing as it might be, I feel like you should be focusing on your relationship health and not on proposals/engagement. 

Post # 7
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

This is an emotionally loaded situation. I can understand why you feel the way you do and why he did not want to propose under such extreme circumstances.

However, he did propose. Even if he did it again, you wouldn’t be happy and the spark and romance you are wanting wouldn’t be there. That was missed and you cannot get that type of moment back. Maybe you guys could celebrate something else… you will have other, more intimate moments than an engagement. But it doesn’t seem like you guys are in a healthy place and that this relationship needs some serious work.

I think you should cut him some slack. Like PP have said, it seems like he can do nothing right. You are putting a lot of energy into a proposal when you should be putting that energy into the RELATIONSHIP. Maybe counseling would help, but maybe it is time to reprioritize and maybe that means moving on. 

Post # 7
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly the relationship sounds broken. I get why you moved out and I even think it was a good decision…but the fact is you were on extremely rocky ground, as you said, when he “proposed” and that’s never a good sign. It’s a catch 22…the reason you were on rocky ground was the lack of a proposal…but the rocky ground is what made the proposal bad timing/a bad idea. 

I think you’re fixating on the entirely wrong things. You’re upset you didn’t get your “moment” of a heartfelt proposal, which is fair…but you’re missing the forest for the trees. How could your boyfriend stand by and watch you move out without proposing? Why on earth did he let it get to that point? Why’d he tell you he’d propose in 2017 and not do it til 2019? Why’d he wait until y’all were in the midst of a horrible fight to do it when he literally had YEARS and countless other opportunities to just pop the question, even if it was while y’all were lounging on the couch one night? Who does that?

idk bee…even if there’s a “redo”…it won’t change the fact that you’ve essentially had to drag him kicking and screaming to the point of engagement. It shouldn’t be that hard and I really think you deserve a lot more than that. 

Post # 10
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The thing is, all the issues that are causing your resentment (which are valid imo) aren’t gonna magically disappear because you get a ring or even a heartfelt proposal. This is who your partner is. He’s not changing anytime soon by the looks of it. Unless you want a lifetime of feeling taken for granted and resentful…why do you even want to marry him? luckycat :  

Post # 11
Member
38 posts
Newbee

It sounds like you’re burnt out. You are doing all of the emotional labor within your relationship. This can be exhausting. My ex boyfriend was like this. Upon breaking up, I felt as though I was his mother, his ATM, his punching bag, and his therapist. I realized that I wasn’t his romantic partner for a long time prior to making that discovery. I also think that you’re hurt, and upset. At the same time, a PP said that they probably wouldn’t propose to you if things got so bad between y’all that you needed to move out.

 

So, instead of focusing your energy on engagement and marriage focus on your relationship. Find a couples counselor and an individual therapist for yourself. The solution to your issues isn’t marriage. It’s getting past the resentment of having to force his hand and for doing all the emotional labor. In addition, I noticed your wording of but the more I do and give, I’m always feeling like he owes me or he needs to make it up to me. The thing is, kindness isn’t transactional. While it makes sense to repay someone back in favors and is the socially acceptable thing to do, there is no written law saying that they must. At this point, your significant other has racked up so much kindness debt that it’s  going to take a ton of grand gestures for him to make it right.  I’ll go out on a limb to say that he’s not going to be able to deliver because the bar is set so high.

 

Another option. Have you ever allowed for him to take the reins? What was that like? Did he plan something but it wasn’t to your satisfaction? If he feels like he can’t do things correctly due to seeing you be unhappy with his plans. If you are the one doing all of the labor, what would be his motivation to take over at this point? Stop parenting him/expecting him to pay you back. If it hasn’t happened at this point, it probably won’t unless you seek professional help. 

 

I would put the wedding stuff on hold, and gain stable grounding in your situation. Marriage won’t heal resentment. 

Post # 12
Member
885 posts
Busy bee

I only read half of this because I couldn’t take it anymore. In case no one has ever told you: you deserve better. This person is a game player and most like narcissistic or at the very least …Borderline. 

You should reflect on why you accepted this low behavior and for so long. 

Maybe do some souls searching and focus on yourself. 

Post # 13
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

ifoundtheloml0705 :  Yes! Please OP, consider this Bees words.

I don’t know if you want to share, but what are your fiances mental health issues? If he suffers from depression it can really be veeeery difficult to plan and to organize something that is loaded with so much expectation. Is he in therapy because of his mental health issues?

Post # 14
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

Bee, you can’t fix him. 

You can’t make him be a go-getter. Look at him as he is: is this the man you wish to marry?

it sounds like there’s a mothering dynamic to your relationship, and I personally would not marry a man I need to mother. 

When he needs to do a job, do you have to remind him and check up on him? Does he initiate, work hard, follow through?

because if not, he needs time alone to grow up and become a man. 

I’m so sorry. I know how painful this is, when you’re just like “it’s so easy, all you have to do is _____,” And you can SEE how effortless it would be to make you happy, but you can’t light a fire under him. 

I deliberately chose a man who is a self starter, who is a leader, who is assertive. That definitely comes with its challenges too, as I  have been used to being “the planner” and I’m not any more. But it was also very restful to let it go… 

either go to counseling and work out your dynamic, and let go, take your foot off the gas and focus on your own life, let him do his thing so he can be proud and learn to self-start,

or date and seek out the men who plan the dates and follow through. 

I know seven years is a long time. It may be that patience can win out, here- I don’t know, since I don’t know you-

if he practices assertiveness and follows through on little things, it will build his confidence and he’ll get more consistent in trusting himself. 

But if he’s truly just a more passive person, it may be fundamental incompatibility, unless you accept and become happy with your role in things. 

Managing someone else and not trusting them to do things is exhausting for everyone involved. Been there. Sorry 🙁  

Post # 15
Member
4057 posts
Honey bee

I have to echo what ahsoka :  said. You’re hoping for a fundamental change in personality and that’s just not going to happen. He’s never going to be the man you want, the man who makes a decision and goes forward without being prodded and poked. It seems so easy to you to do the things that would make you happy, but these things would never even occur to your fiance. I dated a man like this and quickly realized I didn’t want to call all the shots. Do you like being the pusher, the one who’s always nudging your fiance into action? If you don’t, then you need another man. 

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