Resentful of engagement and can't move forward

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

 What @ ifoundtheloml0705  says about Emotional Labour is key.

I’d suggest you do some reading on that to help you learn & make a more informed decision — I wish I’d done that kind of reading in my earlier relationships.

Post # 32
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Bee, three months ago you wrote this: “I’ve honestly lost motivation for the relationship and have just given up in wanting anything from him or this union now.”

so what are you doing??? Why are you still in this relationship that brings you no joy?

you did not get a proposal; you got a ring that YOU picked out and organized basically tossed in your face after years of waiting during a FIGHT without so much as a half assed sentence or two from your bf about why he wants to marry you. 

Seriously bee…wake up. I get that your bf has anxiety but that isn’t an excuse for taking you for granted for YEARS and for lying to your face time and time again about his plans to propose. My husband has anxiety too and you know what ? He takes medication and talks to a therapist weekly to keep it in check. He still has rough periods here and there but not once in our nearly 5 yrs together has the anxiety been used as an excuse to treat me like crap.

 

Come on bee…you deserve so much more than this. It would be better to be single for the rest of your life (which is not what would even happen…) than chained to this dead beat who can’t even get it together enough to hand you the ring YOU ORGANIZED on a random Tuesday night at home and say “I love you will you marry me?” 

Post # 33
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

luckycat :  I think you should break up.  Sounds like this is going nowhere and you need to stop wasting prime years with this guy.

Post # 34
Member
6146 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Why are you dragging this man through a relationship? Why are you forcing him to propose and picking out rings for yourself and flogging him from milestone to milestone? He doesn’t want to marry you. Why would you rather fight and go off and create drama than just face that fact? He does not want to marry you. He sounds like he doesn’t even want to be an adult. You’re basically his mother,  and he probably would prefer to break up except he doesn’t know how to do anything on his own.

Stop torturing yourself. Dump him. Do some serious healing on yourself. If you have to make threats and then new ones and additional ones and yell at him to get him to do things, he is not who you want. Let it go. Have enough love for yourself to let yourself out of this cycle.

Post # 35
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee

Just went back and read your previous post. 

This is the same guy who took your money and gambled $50k of it and lost it all in the stock market. The guy who maxed out EIGHT FUCKING CREDIT CARDS. You left that out in this post. 

The same guy who is complacently still in the admin job because he refuses to do anything that would require any exertion to change his situation that he constantly bitches about. The guy who switched from IT after a few months to law school who now doesn’t want to use his law degree because it would be too much effort for him. 

The guy who couldn’t be bothered to ask you four words after having your engagement ring for an entire year. Despite ring shopping being his idea.

Everything is everyone else’s fault, remember?

In fact, in his opinion it’s your fault the way the “engagement” happened because “you wanted everything too soon” (after seven years). 

You are financially supporting this dumbass and he stole from you. Where is that $50k he owes you? You are enabling him, bee.

I’m not sure why you honestly thought you’d get any different advice from your previous post?

At this point you’re choosing to keep yourself in this situation and that makes you almost as complacent as your deadbeat boyfriend.

I say this especially because you want children and you are 32 now, 7 years in.

WAKE UP BEE.

Do NOT take your own opportunity for motherhood from yourself. You will deeply regret it and it will no longer be this guy’s fault. 

Post # 36
Member
1632 posts
Bumble bee

Read up on sunk cost fallacy.

You’re upset about the proposal not necessarily because of the proposal itself, but becaues you want the validation and reassurance that he really genuinely wants to marry you. But you know the answer — he doesn’t. And it’s not clear to any of us why you want to marry him anyway. 

 

Post # 37
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2020

 

luckycat :   luckycat :   My now fiancee used to suffer from depression we were together on and off for ten years. When I was 28 I wanted a ring he bought me a fifteen dollar ring in 2009. I wasn’t happy but I was young and had low self esteem so I wore it. We broke up due to lots of fights. We kept getting back together and breaking up. Stupid at the time but I really did love him. In 2017 we got back together and he grew up and helped me get through tough times. He was terrified of buying me a ring due to the cost and him not having the type of income. So he and I agreed on a pre engagement ring in 2018. Like you I argued that I deserved it and got a shitty presentation. I put a positive spin on it though I cleaned and loved my promise ringone day in April I lost that ring for three weeks I was devastated. On April 26th I received this  what I am saying is take time, patience and work between both of you and it can change but both you have to put in the very hard work because that’s what marriage will be. It’s a joint effort together.

Post # 38
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee

luckycat :  Just re-read the other post. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You had 4 pages of people pointing out that this isn’t normal, not to take on 80k of debt, not to marry someone who not only does not include you in financial decisions – basically stealing your money and investing in the stock market with it – but who also puts NO effort into this relationship while accepting your money and your effort, and can’t be bothered to propose to you. And you decided that the smartest thing to do in this situation is waste even more time with this loser. If you had broken up with him in November after that proposal nonsense, you would have had 6 months to grieve the end of your relationship and right now you could have been on a first date with the man you would eventually marry – and maybe have kids in the next 2-3 years with, which is totally doable. Instead you decided to ask Mr. NeverWantsToMoveForward about having kids, which he CLEARLY does not want to do. I would even bet money that part of the reason he didn’t propose to you is because he knows kids come after and he doesn’t want that. 

So what are you going to do now? Are you going to just ignore all the people telling you this relationship and this man is no good, and continue to waste even more time with this guy? Even if you DO end up married I would pretty much guarantee you will end up divorced soon enough anyway. But I think you actually said you wanted to get engaged and then start having kids…saddled with a ton of debt and unable to buy a house you would like because of his irresponsibility and deceit. Which frankly, sounds like a terrible idea. Are you going to ignore even your own instincts telling you that this is not a good situation and you are better out of it? Or are you going to be an adult, and make a difficult but ultimately the BEST decision for yourself?

Post # 39
Member
38 posts
Newbee

After going through your post history, I agree with everyone else. Why would you get  married to an irresponsible man who put you in debt and who can’t even plan for a future together? He doesn’t sound like father of the year material. What is drawing you into this relationship? He doesn’t seem to have redeeming qualities, nor does he make you happy. Don’t latch yourself to someone you KNOW you’re settling with. You, as well as your future children deserve to have two parents whose needs are met with each other.

Yes, staring over is terrifying but reproductive technology has come a long way. Despite being in your 30s, you can freeze your eggs, receive treatment etc. Don’t throw your life away to be with this man out of fear that you can’t find someone else in time. Fuck deserving a better proposal, you deserve a better partner. 

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