(Closed) Resentful of His Parents, Not Offering to Pay

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 137
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jimbert321: Maybe it isn’t fair.  I reread through some stuff and maybe I spoke out of turn.  However I do still think she should contribute to her own wedding.

Also I agree with the OPs who say she has a Fiance problem, not an in-laws problem.  This is something that needs to worked out between the two of them.  And again, I reiterate what I said earlier about setting the budget BEFORE PICKING OUT A VENUE.

Post # 138
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

edited after reading the WHOLE  post….and i sincerely apologise for jumping the gun….

(i really shouldnt skip through)

maybe put the wedding on hold (or at least tell him thats what you should do)  until such a time you can pull the money together. 

if my FI  made my mum cry i would punch him in the mouth!  

His parents need to understand that if they believe its n ot in their place to contribute,  its also not in their place to request or demand anything.  and if they dont understand then maybe FI  should explain it to them. 

Post # 139
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You and your Fiance needs to have lengthy discussions on wedding costs! I think you both should come to an agreement on a realistic wedding budget and make it work from there (compromising to make it happen).  It isn’t your inlaws responsibility to pay, so leave what they won’t willing to contribute out of it.

In my humble opinion..I don’t think you should spend $40k (save some for a rainy day)..so $65k is really unrealistic.  You said your parents worked hard for their money…so don’t take the whole $20k they offered. They were really generous to offered it to you..but you should accept what you feel is adequate that way they will have money for their future!  As for me, I would feel terrible taking money my parents saved up their entire life to spend on one day…

With that said..we delayed getting married to save enough to pay for our own wedding (maybe you can wait until you are financially stable and can contribute to the wedding)…For a year and half, we saved every pennies so that we can have the wedding of our dreams..i guess italian are like the Vietnamese and Chinese..we had to invite EVERYONE and their cousins!!..to make that work, we picked a venue where we can afford to have a larger head count that is reasonably priced.  We’re spending a little less than $20k for the reception (food, linens and full bar) for 280 guests (that’s almost $72 per person which is average by Cali standards).  You can certainly find somewhere else that is within reasonable price.  I say keep looking..you just have to be creative to make it work!

 

Post # 140
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Sprinkled with fairydust: That was my initial reaction too, but you need to actually read her post, you’re jumping to conclusions – she wants to make cuts and not spend that much. Her FI’s family will not allow her to make any cuts and her Fiance won’t budge on a cheaper venue or not having such fancy things. So yeah, I agree that they need to be the ones paying.

Post # 141
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Lt.Columbo:

Come on, that’s unfair.

She has said already that she doesn’t want to spend all this money, nor can she contribute (nor should she be expected to throw another ridiculous 20k into the pot).

Yes, she seriously needs to put her foot down but she hasn’t said anything that suggests she thinks she’s entitled to another 20k.

Post # 142
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@Sprinkled with fairydust: She didn’t say that. FI’s family wants a large wedding and to invite EVERYONE. They aren’t willing to cut, so they SHOULD contribute. You want so and so there, fine. Then you pay for them. Don’t expect her parents to shell out more money then the gracious amount they even offered in the first place.

I think OP should have worded the title better because there are assumptions being made about the bride thinking she is entitled to whatever, when that is not the case.

Post # 143
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@kay01: It’s possible that you’re right, and she shouldn’t have said anything… but this guy is basically demanding she ask mom for more money! And that’s not the main issue – the main issue is that he was handed a $20,000 cheque and said, nope! No thank you! I’ll need you to double that so I can invite second cousin Fred!

Post # 144
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I admit I only skimmed the comments, so if this has already been said, I apologize.

First of all, you say you looked at all these venues online and this is the only one within your “budget” but clearly it isn’t in your budget since your budget is 40k. A budget is what you CAN afford and 40k is what you can afford. 64k is how much you WANT to spend. So unless you want to go into debt, or get a job and save the extra 24k you need to find a venue that is ACTUALLY in your budget.

This is why you should figure out your budget and then use one of the handy dandy budget calculators online (like at Martha Stewart.com) and figure out that if 50% of your budget is supposed to be for venue, food, and beverage then you can spend 20k which means 32k is OUT OF YOUR BUDGET. 

I also don’t think it’s right that you are venting to you mother, even if you don’t mean it to, it will come out that what they can offer is not good enough.

I am in a similar situation. My parents offered to give us 30k, but the venue we fell in love with was already 20k for just the venue, food, booze. FI’s parents have not offered a dime. Rather than thinking that either my parents, Fiance, or Future In-Laws need to come up with this 25-30k difference WE ARE PAYING THE DIFFERENCE OURSELVES. Both our parents have helped us signficantly in our lives, maybe not directly handing us cash, but both our parents have paid for our education 100% so we are fortunate to not have any debts and we want to keep it that way. Because of this, I am not resentful that his parents aren’t helping with the wedding or think my parents should hand over more money (even though my dad keeps offering to). They have helped us financially in so many other indirect ways. 

Post # 145
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Wonderstruck:

Exactly.

Like someone with absolutely nothing better to do with my time (yep, i’m that sad this evening!) i’ve read every post. She isn’t being ‘entitled’. Her FI’s family are and her Fiance isn’t helping her deal with it.

I feel really peed off with this other family on OP’s behalf. I’ve never contributed so much to 1 thread. You can’t have what you can’t afford, everyone needs to get on board with that.

Post # 146
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I do see where you are coming from.  I am not going to tell you to cut your guest list, because I do understand that it is not in your hands.  I also understand your resentment with his parents, because although they are not required to give a penny, they should also not be expecting that you invite that many people from their side either…  But, at the end of the day you do not want to start a marriage on the wrong foot with your in laws. 

Anyway, since cutting the guest list is out of the question, have you considered doing a cocktail/heavy appetizer party and cake?  That way you cut out the dinner? Or maybe look into doing a buffet dinner, so you can cut costs with the servers? How about an afternoon wedding, on say a Sunday–serve no alcohol or maybe just wine and beer. Maybe you could do a sparkling wine toast instead of a champagne toast..maybe cut back on the appetizers…If you could reduce the reception costs by $25/head-you would save 7k! I really think that with enough research you could find a venue that could reduce the cost per head.  I did the math, and right now you are at $116/head..if you reduce by $25 by making cuts, you would be paying $91/head.  I also think that if you are getting this 20k from your parents, assuming it is in cash..you should let the venue know that you can pay in cash…which could then eliminat the tax. If you could get the price/head down to $90…you will then have another 15k to spend on vendors… I do think your 40k budget is very do-able with some good negotiation.

 

Post # 147
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee

You cut the guest list and make it more fair so half the people are people YOU want. Then you look for a cheaper venue since you are choosing one that clearly costs way more than you can afford. And then when you tell his family that they can’t bring 200 people, you sit tight and see if they offer to help. But honestly? It is pretty rude of YOU to expect them to pay a penny. It is your wedding and your fi’s wedding – nobody else’s. Both the guest list and your expectations should reflect that.

Post # 148
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee

Admittedly I haven’t read all the other posts, sorry if I missed anything….

Post # 150
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@VickyAurea:

She only expects them to pay because they are forcing the budget up massively. Wouldn’t you?

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